To want to go travelling?

[foreignlands]

I was reading the "things to do before you die" thread recently. My bucket list is mostly places I want to travel to. I would describe myself as fairly adventurous and eager to experience new activities and places, although I definitely enjoy relaxing at home at the end of a long week at work. DP is much more of a home body compared to me.

I have done some backpacking when I was younger - during my gap year and summers at university. DP, in contrast, didn't get a passport until he met me. He grew up in America, and in a relatively poor neighbourhood. Travelling was just not something that people did. That said, in the 5 years we have been together, we have been on 3 quite exciting 2-week holidays, albeit to fairly comfortable and safe locations. All of these holidays were my idea, and mostly planned by me, but with him in mind, and I know that he really enjoyed all of them. (I tried to focus on nature, since that's something that I know he likes.) His bucket list now has a couple of travel locations included on it, in addition to growing old with me, having kids, having a dog etc.

But still, even after enjoying these holidays, it still takes him a long time to come around to the idea of going on holiday again. This is a typical scenario: a couple of days ago, I was looking at a friend's photos of India and got serious travel envy. DP knows that I want to go there, so I said to him "oh, perhaps we could go there sometime soon, maybe in November?" He looked "stern" I guess, and told me I couldn't just start planning things in this way. He likes to throw roadblocks in the way, like "well I don't know when I'll be able to take time off at work" or "we can go places, but we can't just decide to go without saving up in advance". [By the way, we have more than enough money saved up in the bank that was meant to be for our wedding, but relatives have very generously offered to pay for several things so we have more left over than expected]

After talking to him for a while to try to get to the bottom of his worries, I came to these conclusions:

1. He has enjoyed the holidays he has been on.
2. But he has not caught the travel bug.
3. He wants to go to places on some level, but in a kind of abstract way. Like he hasn't thought about the reality of all it entails until we actually start planning to go somewhere.
4. He feels anxious and somewhat out of his comfort zone when we start planning to go somewhere.
5. He feels like he should be getting really excited about going places, because I do and other people do - he wants to want to go.

I don't want to push him into anything. But I do want to gently encourage him because I know he has enjoyed holidays in the past and because I want to experience things with him. And I have introduced him to other things in the past that he now loves, like skiing which he was really hesitant to try at first.

But if it turns out that travelling is just not something he wants to do, then I still want to go, at least before we have kids and after they have left home. Is that unreasonable? The thought of never going to any of the places on my bucket list makes me feel really stifled.

On a really more adventurous note, I have two months break between jobs this summer, and I really want to go backpacking somewhere...

You can't change your husband. Some people just don't like travelling. How about suggesting holidays to the places he has said he wants to go to.

I have - that's what I mean. It's like in some abstract way he wants to go there, but when I suggest actually going, he gets all flustered.

I'm not suggesting I want to change him, I'm just wondering how to keep both of us happy. I'd like him to try it a couple more times. But after that? Should I just go on my own?

YANBU I don't see why you can't plan something either. For example you could plan where you'd like to go in India and what you'd like to see before booking anything. So long as you're flexible there's no reason why you can't do that then fit it into dates available for you to book.

Wrt his reluctance, I don't really know what to suggest, other than to point out that he's enjoyed things in the past. Maybe it would help if he chose the location and helped plan the itinery some of the time.

Hmmm, I was looking at the bucket list thread and thinking that although I suppose all the travel stuff is nice as an idea, and I feel like I should want to go to Manchu Pichu or whatever, in reality , I don't, much.

Maybe it's because I was carted all over the globe as a child by my parents, I don't have that much of a travel bug.

Maybe your DP, who has already moved from the USA, feels a bit 'travelled out' by the relocation?

He hasn't moved from the US actually, that's where we live now, although we may move at some point. But the point that he may just not want to travel is valid, definitely.

If he doesn't want to travel, go alone.

It's fab!

I'm lucky that DH and I both have the travel bug so we've done a fair amount of backpacking together. But a few years ago, a few months before we got married, I had some unexpected time off work, and I went away alone for 6 weeks (would have gone for longer if I could) to South America.

I discussed it with DH who is pretty chilled, and explained that I really fancied travelling alone (I'd never done it, he had), and he gave me his blessing.

I'm really glad I did it, as now we have kids I know our life is now going in a different direction, and I have no regrets I was able to do the things that I wanted before we became more restricted.

I don't think you can make someone get the travel bug if they don't have it, tbh. DH and I have had this conversation about a fair few friends of ours who could have taken the opportunity to travel but haven't. We don't understand it, but that's becauase to us it's one of the most exciting things you can do. To them, not so much!

So if your DP doesn't really want to go anywhere other than a short holiday, you may just need to accept this. But, it doesn't mean you can't do it alone...

If you want to go travelling and he doesn't you are in potentially in for problems in the future if you don't resolve it somehow. If its core to who you are and a real passion, if he doesn't want to go then you will end up holding that against him at some point in the future. If it means you have to go by yourself, then its the lesser of two evils, but I'd temper that by asking the question - is it going to solve the problem and remove the bug, or is it just going to make you want to go even more places in the future? I find travelling just makes me want to do more travelling rather than stop the itch.

I think you might be better to explore what your DP's comfort zone is, where he feels more comfortable going and work around that and then gently try and increase what he feels comfortable over a period of time rather than trying to do it all at once.

I've been backpacking but I still have certain problems with what I feel comfortable with and what I'm confident with. I will confess to going to certain countries and despite really wanting to try the local food, ending up making a b-line for the nearest McDonalds because I'm starting to feel out of my depth.

When we've been backpacking, we've split it by having a few basic adventurous nights and then a night of comfort and more security. I need to plan ahead and know exactly where I'm sleeping every night but my DH dislikes that and would rather just wing it. But he compromises as its too much for me to cope with.

There are certain countries, that I would have concerns and worries about going to still - maybe one day - but only when I'm ready. Personally I'd say suggesting backpacking in India to someone who has issues about what their comfort zone might not be the best idea. Alternatively maybe you should think about compromising with it, by going on an well organised package - perhaps a traditional tour operator or perhaps an adventure tour operator.

BTW, this is coming from someone who has been round the world by themselves. My last holiday with my DH was an independent backpacking trip through Bulgaria, Bosnia, Serbia and Hungary. Travelling doesn't come as naturally to some people as it does to others and even if you love it, and it doesn't mean you find it as easy as other people.

He sounds like he doesn't like the planning stage more than anything else. Can't say I blame him. You can get all kinds of premonitions and fears when there's everything to book and arrange and plan, and if you're an anxious person it's easy to worry about everything that could go wrong and think "Nah, let's stay at home".

Maybe there's a way to talk about this and get round that fear, and see if he'd be more open to going places if you handled the planning or something like that.

If you have no-one to go with you can always PM me!!-I LOVE travelling!! x

redspottedfrog thanks that gives me a lot of confidence, it's good to hear that travelling alone can work out.

HmmThinkingAboutIt, thanks so much for sharing your experience. It gives me a much better perspective on where his anxiety might be coming from - there are some really good tips here. You're right that India might be too much. Maybe we could try South India which is supposed to be a bit more chilled out, or if not then somewhere in South East Asia. And I definitely take on board the need to have some kind of plan and to compromise on the comfort level rather than slumming it.

You're also right that travelling will only strengthen the travelling bug and make me want to go more. But not going would probably be worse because I really would end up resenting it. Going alone is the lesser of two evils.

I spoke to DP tonight, and told him how I would end up resenting it if I didn't take the chances when they present themselves. It seems like he's willing to try travelling, but he said that if he couldn't/can't do it then he is happy for me to go on my own. I felt so much more relaxed after hearing that. Otherwise I think I might go crazy with this travelling bug scratching away at me! So I think we're going to talk about it again in a couple of months and figure out where we can go together later this year. Hopefully we can plan it so that we're staying in accommodation that's reasonably comfortable and perhaps that will reduce his anxiety. About the two months this summer - I have to think about that. We didn't talk about it directly, but I suspect I will end up going somewhere, even if it's not for the whole 2 months...

Travelling's your hobby - doesn't have to be his. He's going to have interests that don't interest you, too. As long as you're both okay with the money and the time away from each other, then off you go.

But he might warm up to it. Would he be tempted by a long road trip through the US or Canada? Something adventurous but in a familiar-ish culture.

He might feel more comfortable with a road trip in the US, but selfishly I am wanting to go somewhere a bit more exotic because once we have kids that will be much more difficult, whereas the US will be easy because we live here. Also, our holiday last year was in the US (we went to two of the national parks), so it would be good to try something a little bit more challenging (but not too much) next time.

Whatever you do, do it before you get pg and have kids. I did a tonne of travelling in my twenties (most of it on my own) and so did DH. We're both really glad we did because it is soooo much harder with kids. Since having kids we've only been on two holidays, neither of which we would class as adventurous. I miss travelling so much and crave exploration/freedom!

I'm not suggesting you give up your foreign travel plans! Go backpacking and go for the whole 2 months. Go to India. Or Argentina. Wherever. And go now while you have the time and money and no kids.

But if you want to tempt him with travelling, maybe try something more vanilla when he's willing to go. Who knows, he might want to try Vietnam after that.

Thanks for the advice zero, it's a good idea. For some reason I was forgetting about my 2 months opportunity when I replied to you!

Yes kiwi kids are what is prompting me to take all the opportunities I have now. Although I travelled while at uni, I now regret not taking every single opportunity that I had! I mean, I did quite a bit, but I definitely could have squeezed more in. I remember one summer I almost didn't go anywhere as I thought I should do an internship because I was worried I wouldn't get a job after uni otherwise! How young and naive I was ;-) [Thankfully I didn't end up getting an internship]