to think he's an absolute d*ck?!

[Newbeginning1]

DS is 2 and his father has just picked him up to take him to his house for the 2nd time this year and about the 5th time since he's been born. DS gets upset because although I tell him that he's going his Dad just comes and grabs him and goes to leave. I then stop them and give DS a cuddle goodbye because that's what I do whenever i leave him at nursery etc.

I get that he may be upset when he leaves and then he's actually fine when he's in the car but I don't understand why XP just has to come and grab him and why he can't come and then give us all 5 mins to get DS comfy with what's happening and then I say goodbye and they go.

Also, i noticed when they put him in the car this time that he was in a booster seat with a back on it but it didn't have any proper fastenings as in it just used the seatbelt to secure him. At 2, i thought he needed to be in a proper car seat with it's own seatbelt that goes over his shoulders and clips between his legs.

Anyway, needless to say i'm sat here doing that thing between frnatically typing with anger and wanting to cry. Just wondered if I was being unreasonable?

YANBU. Especially about the car seat.

well a quick goodbye might be easier for the child;why are you not kissing and cuddling before the arranged pick up time, then a quick wave and off he goes with little fuss from you to ease the transition for DS

wrt car seat info here and pass onto XP so that he can ensure that appropriate restraint is used in future

Perhaps he thinks that "ripping off the band-aid" will be better than a long, drawn-out goodbye. Kissing and cuddling and saying goodbye to your DS might be making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

Don't know about the car seat, you'll have to research that.

Firstly -

YANBU, you'd think his own father would want him to be happy and comfortable! Is he just oblivious, or does he do it deliberately knowing you feel bad?

I'd be having words about the car seat. If he doesn't see his son very often he can at least get a decent car seat for when he does.

I think the goodbye should be the same in all situations - a quick one was much better for my DS at that age, but if he's used to a cuddle and kiss when dropped off at nursery, then you should be able to do that.

Get him weighed asap - then you can say to XP "I've had DS weighed and he's only 13kg. The HV said that he needs to still be in a harnessed seat, because a seatbelt won't activate until he's the minimum weight (15kg)."

Can you talk to XP or is he totally uncommunicative?

I hear what you're saying about the cuddle and kiss goodbye before and it's something that i'll try. DS is the kind of boy that would rather observe things first and then do them rather than jump straight in if that makes sense so I've just used that logic and thought that it's better if I let him have a few minutes to get used to his father and then go with him.

The kiss and cuddle goodbye is the same as when he goes to nursery, i always make sure to give him one then so i'm just trying to keep it the same so to him it's the same if he goes to nursery or to his Dads house.

Neutralmilkhotel - you would think that logic would apply that as he doesn't see him very often he would make sure he gets a decent car seat but he thinks the other way round. As he doesn't see him that much why spend the money.

Ooh, he makes me angry.

Can you offer your own car seat? It's not on to have him in a booster...but the cuddle thing...maybe DS senses your irritation with the exs beaviou here...I would make sure that was holding DS when the ex knocked on the door, then I would give him a squeeze and hand him over.

Very tough for you indeed. You sound very sensible.

I used that car seat information page on my DS dad when he turned up with a similar seat to the one you describe. It worked a treat

IME it was easier to make the changeover very quick, for me this is because I cannot be civil to ex and its better DS doesn't get exposed to my vitriol. DS is now 11 and I'm never there when his dad turns up these days. My point is that he has grown up fairly normally with the bandaid approach to parental handovers.

There were many times in the past that I have felt like you do now. So IMO YANBU

If your son isn't all that famillair with your XP then it's not very good of him to grab n go. As far as your son's aware, someone's just come into his house, picked him up and took him out without two words about it

If your XP insists on doing this, take him out to the car so that you are handing him over rather than the X just grabbing him like a forgotten possession.

YANBU. And the carseat thing is dangerous.

Lending him yours might be the best solution, then? Maybe offer to put it in the car yourself - that would give you time to say goodbye, too.

Sorry x-posts BertieBotts

Autumnsummers - that's my worry and what I get from DS that he doesn't really know who this random guy is that comes into the house and just takes him. This morning I told DS that he was going to his house and held his hand as we walked out and tried to make conversation with his father that DS had been saying his Granny was coming to get him and he just ignored me and went and grabbed DS who had gone back towards the house.

Macfeeglemefree - how do you manage to not be there when your XP picks your DS up? My ideal situation would be that there was someone else here who could do the handover with my DS to his father.

I'm happy to lend him my car seat and before i've lent him the spare one we have. XP just seems to get p*ssed off that he has to wait for me to put it in.

I think me and XP need to have a much bigger conversation about how we make access work by making sure our issues don't interfere with him. I think I want XP to respect the fact that I get what is best for DS because I know what will put him at ease, it's not about me not wanting him to go. I've been looking forward to my 3 hours on my own this morning and it would be great to have that on a weekly basis. DS has also started using the potty this week and it would be great to be able to tell his Dad so that he can make a big deal of it too with praising him and making him feel like a big boy so we are all reinforcing it.

Text X and tell him to wait in the car and you will bring Ds out. Tell him that you will not have him just grabbing your son out of the house and would feel more comfortable if you handed DS over. Say that you want DS to feel less like a stranger has come to take him and more like you are in charge of the hadover so DS knows that you think of XP as someone he can go with. Ignore any protests. This shouldn't be a negotiation. Not if your x can't be civil.

It's almost as if your x is trying to exert some sort of immature authority over the situation.

Don't let him in your house again. If he ignores you and does ring your bell then walk straight past him to the car with your son.

All the best.

Hi NewBeginning,

It is only a very recent development that I'm not there at the changeover. DS is now 11 and his Dad collects him on Friday afternoon when DS gets home from school (about 3 pm) I just don't get home till a little bit later. DS is very happy with this as he has, unfortunately, a lot of experience of his parents acrimonious relationship. On Sunday I collect him from the train station, his dad waits on the other side of the barrier.

We split when DS was 8 months and we have not buried the hatchet yet so you can only imagine how bad it has been over the years but DS has gone to visit his dad every two weeks fro his entire life, its a routing that he is very familiar and happy with. I'm married now with a DS2 aged 2.6. But I was a single mum for 8 years and much as I love DS1 I did always enjoy my weekends off.
Looking back, I probably spent far too many of those weekends in a rage.

I have learnt to pick which battles to wage with ex. The car seat was a relatively easy victory as the law is on your side.

Are you confident that your ex is a good dad when he has DS?

Autumnsummers - that's really good advice, thank you.

Macfeeglemefree - it sounds as though you not seeing your XP is working well for all of you which is what it's all about. I think my X is a good dad when there are other people around like his parents but I've seen first hand how he will otherwise just sit and be on his phone and expect his daughter from a previous relationship to entertain him. I totally get that they should play together but I think his father needs to be involved too. He doesn't seem to have any patience with DS which worries me.

I'd just like to say that my DD (2) has a car seat which is simply clipped in using a seat belt and it's perfectly legal. DS (3) has been in one since 18 months, because he could open the 3 or 5 point harness ones.

I agree wholeheartedly about the hand over (and sympathy about having to let your 2Yo go when your feeling less than 100% about it) , but pick your battles, it could well be that the car seat is perfectly legal.

HTH x

None of the currently produced group 1 seats use just the seatbelt though, they all either use a 5-point harness or an impact shield. So it's unlikely unless he has reused an old seat his DD used, such as the Britax Super Cruiser - these were available in the early 2000s, before the standards changed in 2005 and the law changed in 2006.

It is still legal to use one of these seats, but they will now be at least 6 or 7 years old which is approaching the recommended lifespan for car seats.

It is not legal for a child to be in one of the up to date booster seats without the harness until they weigh at least 15kg.

Just to clear that up :)

OP I wouldn't worry too much about him not interacting with him. It's shit but at least it's not overtly harmful - he will probably realise too late when DS grows up and isn't the slightest bit interested in him, either. It's good that he has a good relationship with his half sister.

I think Autumn makes a good point - perhaps you should point this out to XP, that you want DS to make sure that you are aware of any person he's going off with, just in case (god forbid) someone did try to take him away. If he is offended by this because "I'm not just anyone!" then remind him that it's most common for children to be abducted by someone who is known to them. Morbid, but serious, really. It's potentially problematic if DS is happy to go off with someone, even someone he knows, without checking back with you.

I bought a brand new Britax seat a year ago with no harness for my (very large) two year old and he was well within the weight range by the time he first sat in it. Depends entirely on the size of your child.

X post Bertie!

The supercruiser and the like legally shouldn't be sold any more, I have seen them for sale online, though. And second hand of course.