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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I consider this person my friend?

26 replies

TapDancingPimp · 23/03/2012 16:21

Or maybe I'm the shit friend who is being phased out?!

Please bear with me, first time posting in here so shitting oneself.

Basically we go back years, have always been good friends - went to school together, out drinking together in our late teens/early 20s blah blah usual story.

Both now have kids aged between 2 & 8.

Anyway, over the past couple of years I feel like it's me who's making all the effort in our relationship. I'm constantly the one who calls at her house, asks her does she want to go for coffee, shopping etc (I'm rejected 90% of the time by the way). Yet she constantly makes plans with her other so called friends who, weeks later, I have to listen to stories about how badly they treat her! Give it another couple of weeks, she's back in their company! She never asks me do I want to come to her house for a drink yet nearly every other week (she constantly checks-in on FB) she's sitting getting pissed with someone else in her circle of mates.

I've had quite a rough year, both parents seriously unwell, lost both grandparents, just generally feeling quite shitty. Not once did she come knock on my door to see how I was or offer any sort of help. A few weeks ago she was abused by her partner - the next morning I was at her door offering a shoulder to cry on and have been there ever since.

Am I a complete mug or is she really being a total shit friend?

By the way I have considered on many occasions she doesn't like me and is trying to get rid of me but she texts me on a daily basis!

Can I just apologise for how immature this all sounds Blush

OP posts:
TheBolter · 23/03/2012 16:27

You've been at her door for the last few weeks? Grin

Seriously though, she sounds like a Fair Weather Friend. My dsil has one like that. Dsil's mum died recently and FWF keeps threatening via text, that she's going to call for a chat, but she never does. In fact she hasn't called spoken to dsil since the funeral over two months ago - she's supposed to be her best friend!

Of course, when the sun is shining, and everything's rosy, fun and fabulous, she's all over dsil.

You are better off without people like her... hard as it may sound, it seems as if she's found a group of 'better, more fun friends' and you've been dumped like a hot turd.

The only way to lay these people is at their own game, and effectively dump them back. Show them that you're worth more than this. And don't go back to them even when they do, out of insecurity, come sniffing around you again.

Good luck Smile

TheBolter · 23/03/2012 16:28

play not lay - bad choice of typo!

Moobee · 23/03/2012 16:29

It doesn't sound like she's much of a friend. I had one like this recently - I stopped calling and she eventually apologised and we talked about it. Things have been much better since. Could you talk with her about it?

Original poster
TapDancingPimp · 23/03/2012 16:31

Haha sorry! Meant I have called up over last few weeks just checking she's ok etc.

I have zero balls when it comes to things like this, DH is constantly telling me to toughen up as I let friends walk over me and am always the one doing the running.

I'm afraid to say anything, hate confrontation :(

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 23/03/2012 16:32

She's not your friend.

you are an amzing friend though Smile

drop her, get someone who's prepared to have a more equal relationship with you.

MistyMountainHop · 23/03/2012 16:40

no YANBU

she is being a really shit friend

just ignore her. don't do anything really obvious like delete her from fb (although you could hide her updates if you want) just don't contact her, and if she does contact you to meet up, do what she does and turn her down. she will probably soon be back sniffing around but if she is, think about whether you really want a friend like that in your life anyway.

you sound really nice btw.

Original poster
TapDancingPimp · 23/03/2012 16:57

Thank you :)

I feel really embarrassed even writing about this, but I actually feel better, quite therapeutic!

This is gonna sound pathetic but here goes: I didn't have many friends as a child, when I got older and started making friends (me and friend mentioned in OP met in high school) I was so happy to have 'proper' friends who liked me for being me.

I'm afraid to jeopardise my current friendships in case I end up like the lonely child again {blush}

OP posts:
TheBolter · 23/03/2012 17:09

Don't feel embarrassed Tap. I think you'd be surprised at quite how many people have insecurities about friendships, and how liked they are. As humans we want to connect with others, and even if you are quite an independent spirit, it's very rare to actually want to live a life alone without others.

Some of the most popular, outgoing people are popular and outgoing because they need to be around people. Some of the coolest, most stand-offish people are cool and stand-offish because they're afraid of being vulnerable.

Having qualms like yours just reinforces how human you are, somehow.

Hullygully · 23/03/2012 17:10

she's shit

i'd make other friends

thebody · 23/03/2012 17:37

She is taking you for granted and using you, she treats you like you see yourself, as unimportant, if u get me.

You sound lovely and if I were you I wouldn't answer her next text, leave a while, u be unavailable for a change. She may get the message and make an effort or may not.

Either way don't act like a doormat u r worth much more and you go seek out other friends, good luck.

CarnivorousPanda · 23/03/2012 19:03

You say you had a bad year with family problems but not once did this woman (I won't call her a friend) bother to offer you any support.

That in itself would be enough for me to show her the door.

Sounds like she's using you and at the moment you're letting her.

You sound like a good friend to me, I think you can do a lot better. Like others have said, stop being available, start seeking out better people for friends. They are out there.

exexe · 23/03/2012 19:10

Stop calling her or seeing her. She may realise and try to make more of an effort and if she doesn't, well you have your answer then.

ilikecandyandrunning · 23/03/2012 19:16

Honestly? She is a shit mate and YOU deserve better

Do yourself a favour and phase her out. She uses you and has no respect for you. You deserve nice mates so please don't waste your time on shit ones. Just stop doing all the running and see what happens!

TheLightPassenger · 23/03/2012 19:20

you don't need a massive confrontation or anything, just distance yourself. am baffled at why she texts you everyday though!

diddiehunter · 23/03/2012 19:29

I dnt remember writing this thread!lol .... I have a "friend"just like this too! Costantly there picking up the pieces when she needs it, from moving house to ordering clamydia tests so her fiance doesn't find out! And after all that, she has her friends she drinks with but slags them off to me and is so shocked if I have a low opinion of them! Hmmph! I have done exactly as others have said, no texts, no calls and zero effort! So far.....I've heard nothing and I'm supposed to be her bridesmaid this year, Ddon't think I am anymore! Oh well dusts off hands

OneWaySystemBlues · 23/03/2012 19:29

YANBU - she is not being a friend. I've been in a similar experience. I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that whenever I saw this particular "friend" and her friends I would come away feeling low. I realised that friendship is a two way thing and this was no longer two way. I decided to look at the people I spend time with that make me come away happy and to spend more time and effort on them, and to stop making efforts with the "friend" who made me feel like crap. No confrontation, no hassle and I finally feel that although I may have less friends now, the ones I have are really good ones and that I enjoy spending time with and it is 2 way.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 19:37

I would definitely stop making any effort and focus on other friends.

I totally identify with how you feel, OP. I too am deep down inside scared of being a friendless child again, however in the past year or so I've really taken control of things and stopped making effort with friends that either don't make an effort with me or make me feel like rubbish when I see them.

I would say now that I don't actually have that many friends but the ones that I do have are lovely, good quality friends. I'm a lot happier as I'm not constantly running around after people that don't give a monkeys about me, trying to make them happy.

You are worth more than your so-called friend, OP.

Original poster
TapDancingPimp · 23/03/2012 21:36

Thank you all so much, you've no idea how much I needed to hear that :)

OP posts:
Fecklessdizzy · 23/03/2012 22:08

When people value you, you feel valuable ... When they don't, you don't.

Bin the silly mare and get some mates worthy of you!

For what it's worth, I think we are ALL scared of being small and lonely again, it's a universal human condition! Wink

misspedantic · 23/03/2012 22:16

I was the same as you until I realised that I would rather have no friends than have friends that made me feel like crap. I now have a really close circle of friends that I trust, that are there for me and I feel add to my life as much as I add to theirs. Try going to mother and baby groups and open your life up to new people. See how she feels if you post pictures of you and your new friends out getting drunk together and keep her on the back burner.

you may realise at some point that you don't need this negative person in your life. You sound like a nice person... I think you could do better.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/03/2012 22:31

misspedantic, I totally agree on the rather have no friends than shit friends thing. I've realised over the years that there is just no point in having friends that don't behave like friends! I have also realised that in the past I've attracted the wrong type of friends and also have become close friends with people too quickly and then felt disheartened and upset when the friendship didn't work out as they turned out to be an arse or selfish of whatever.

Mia4 · 24/03/2012 00:06

She's not a friend she's a user. When she's down and needs to bitch to someone she seeks you out but obv won't return the favor.

Friendship is largely 50/50. Sometimes -especially through issues and dark times- the balance may shift so one friend 'gives more' but it always resets itself back to 50/50.

I hate to be harsh but it doesn't sound like she's phasing you out it sounds more like you're useful to her in that she can use and drop you when she needs to and that's what she's used to and is happy with. I suggest either you phase her out, or tell her to gtfo politely when she next needs you. At the least be very unavailable. A real friend will try to find out what's wrong and be persistent yet respectful. A user will pout and whine and be all 'martyry'.

Latara · 24/03/2012 08:46

I've got a 'friend' like this. I used to get very hurt by her behaviour, but now i realise she's not worth it. Luckily i've got a group of very good friends too! OP - I wouldn't waste any more time, emotions or energy on this 'friend'.
You sound too nice for her, she doesn't deserve you!

treadwarily · 24/03/2012 09:01

Trouble is, when you're nice (like you obviously are) there are always people ready to push it for more.

You need better friends. It's a bit of a step by step thing, though. You probably naturally attract user-type people because you've been programmed to, possibly during childhood.

Start to ignore some of her texts, I'm sure others do, too. And instigate drinks etc with nicer people. It can only get better!

iscream · 24/03/2012 09:10

She sounds like what we call a fairweather friend. Only around when it suits her.

I agree you should maybe try and forge some friendship with others, and not reply to her daily texts.