To expect a little bit more than a text message from my husband....

[Sootie]

It's my birthday today. My husband sent me a text message at 7.05 saying just "happy birthday xxxx".

He doesn't normally make an effort for my birthday anyway, so I know there will be no suprises this evening...infact he's even told me he won't be coming home until about 11pm. My brother and SiL will probably bring a cake around with my nieces this evening (as it happens every year).

I told him last night that his yearly birthday present to me is an eye full of tears...because it really is.

DH is wonderful in every other way - does alot around the house, cooks and cleans to help me...tells me to eat first and looks after the baby if he is crying etc...

AIBU to expect a bit more, or should I be thankful that I have a good 364 days of the year?

Happy birthday!!

What did he say last night when you told him that?

If he knows you would like him to make more of an effort, but he won't do it, that's odd. I mean, assuming you're not asking for a huge expensive party, just a bit of affection and attention.

YANBU

Is it just your birthday he does this with? Or is he like this with everyone's birthdays?

It does sound rather thoughtless.

But Happy Birthday, Sootie. = flowers for you

No card, gift?

p.s Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday OP.

Firstly your DH hasn't forgotten he has sent a text. Is he working late or is there another reason that he won't be back until 11pm?

I think you are being a wee bit melodramatic instead of talking about an eye full of tears perhaps you need to be a bit more specific about what you expect as in next year "I would like you to arrange a babysitter and take me out to x restaurant, that would make me really happy"

I got a crap present the first year DS was around, in DH's defence DS was only a couple of weeks old, but he knew in advance when my birthday was - I got a Simpsons boxed set of DVDs made me feel really special after giving birth and feeling sh*t from no sleep. So now I tell him what I want and remind him when my birthday is. This year we will be spending it wil SIL and her family so I have asked her to babysit one evening so we can go out for it.

If your DH is generally a good egg and it sounds like he is then just train him so he does it better next year.

Happy birthday!

I'm guessing DH comes from a family where not much is made of adult birthdays? If this is the case, have you sat down and rationally and calmly explained that you understand that "nothing" is the norm for him, but you would really appreciate a little bit of fuss (nothing huge). I think it's hard if you're not used to doing it though.

I come from a non-making-a-fuss family though and am still non-plussed when MiL rings me on my birthday/have to be prompted by DH to "do something" as it doesn't come naturally.

Thank You everyone :)

redskyatnight - yes you're right! DH doesn't make a fuss of his own birthday and his family don't celebrate birthdays for adults either. I think he thinks that birthdays for adults aren't anything to celebrate - but I don't expect a massive party!

My DP comes from a family that doesnt make fuss about birthdays, the complete opposite of mine!
It seems from your post that your expecting him to read your mind and spring a big suprise on you, which sounds nice but a bit unrealistic. Saying that all he gives you is eyes full of tears is a bit PA. I find the easist way is to tell him what i want, just like he tells me he doesnt want a balloon, cake and candles every year [spoilsport]

Happy Birthday OP

I would be stunned if my DH acted like that on my birthday tbh and more than a little upset.

Happy Birthday Op!

When we first got together, it became apparent that our families approaches to birthdays and Christmas were very different. His understated, mine quite a big fuss made.

I soon got him re-trained to my way of thinking!

YANBU - he should make an effort, but maybe he'll surprise you today! An eye full of tears is a wee bit melodramatic!

Happy birthday to u cx

Now , my dh never buys cards or presents, it's just not what he does, his attitude is if I want anything,
and we can afford it then get it.

I am sorry but your comment on eyes full of tears made me laugh, goodness sake!!! He's a good bloke so get over yourself( I mean that nicely)

Yes I supppose I was a bit melodramatic

I agree, so what if his family don't celebrate birthdays? If he knows that you would like to do something and he still won't do it, that's mean.

You should be really specific about what you want though.

We do this every year, sometimes we want a party, sometimes just a quiet meal at home.

Why won't he be home til late? If he won't do anything himself, it would at least be nice if he could be there for your family celebration.

Also go out now if u r able and buy yourself something nice. Maybe have lunch as well,most men are generally rubbish at stuff like this.

Have a great day x

He is actually working till late which is why he won't be home. He takes a day off work every year for our DD's birthday. I think he's just set in his ways about birthdays for adults.

I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent here, but it is relevant. Is he adopted? Some adopted people can suffer 'birthday distress' and even sabotage their own birthdays sometimes. If he is adopted, maybe he's transferring his own 'birthday distress' onto other birthdays because his adopted family have played-down birthdays.

I'm an adoptee and only found out about 'birthday distress' a few years ago. But thinking back to my birthdays in my adulthood, some years I've had fantastic birthdays, but there have been a few that weren't that great, down to my own grumpiness, including me spectacularly sabotaging one of my birthdays.

I agree with others that you need to tell him what you'd like as a present and what sort of celebration you're going to have.

thebody - I was actually thinking of doing this! I normally buy myself a big present that I need - I got a laptop in 2009 and a camera in 2010 and 2011...Might buy a smartphone this year as my current one is broken to bits. Funny how the mention of shopping has brightened up my day!

an eye full of tears

Ola - no he isn't adopted, but he didn't have on-hand parents when he was growing up. His Mum was ill and paralysed and his Dad worked away for 11 months of the year.

Thanks for the advice Imogen - might ask for a nice family day out and some chocs from Hotel Chocolat! Hopefully re-training will go well!

you do need to tell him (in writing if he still doesn't get it!)
that you see your birthday as important, therefore, he should make an effort because it please you
his feelings don't come into it when it's your birthday.

I thought I would update. He came home at 12am and bought a bunch of roses and some chocs....This morning he's asking me what I want to do tomorrow (he works saturdays too) and whether I want to go for a meal or out somewhere, so I think I may have got through to him!

yeay!
hope you have a lovely time.