to want my Dad to stop making snide remarks?

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

[This might be a bit long and detailed, sorry, but I don't want to drip feed.]

My Mum and Dad seperated when I was about two and a half (over twenty years ago now). From what I've been told by both parents it seems that my Dad was largely absent, due partly to his work as a Police Officer but also partly to the fact that he liked to play rugby and go to the pub, and my Mum was a control freak and very difficult to live with. My Dad met someone else a few months later and will have been remarried nineteen years in August. My Mum has never remarried but has had an on/off partner (they spend a lot of time together, go on dates, but don't live together or want to) for a long time. My brother and I have always lived with my Mum, and seen Dad regularly-ish.

When I was growing up I had a difficult relationship with my Mum. I don't want to go into too many details but there was some abuse (physical violence and a lot of emotional bullying) and she kicked me out when I was eighteen. I slept in my car for a few months, got heavily into drink and drugs and went a little off the rails. Since DS1 was born, however, Mum and I have patched things up pretty well - we still disagree sometimes, but only on a normal level IYSWIM? She and I actually get on quite well now, and she's a brilliant Grandma. She and my Dad still don't get on but she chooses to just not see or speak to him unless they happen to be invited to the same family get-together (this doesn't happen often - DH and my wedding, my brother's 21st, DS1's birthday parties, his Christening.. that's about it really). If they do see each other she will be polite and friendly, you can't fault her really.

My Dad, OTOH, is a bit less polite about it all. I get that she was horrible to him, and that's why he left, but he's been away from it for twenty years. I put up with it all for most of my childhood and I've still been able to be grown up enough to forgive her and move on. He doesn't seem able to do the same thing. He makes snide remarks about her, still, to me. Just little things but it's rude and I don't like hearing those things said about my Mum. He also makes a point of leaving early if they happen to be at a family get-together at the same time - he left DS1's 2nd birthday party after forty minutes because he 'finds it difficult to breath the same air' as my Mum. I know there must be a lot of bitter feelings between the two of them, but after twenty years I feel that he should be able to go without making sarcastic and rude comments about her. Or at least making them to someone else so I don't have to listen.

AIBU, or is he?

YANBU I know exactly how you feel.

My parents split up in 1988 when I was 2 and my god, the way my mum goes on sometimes it's like he only just left her for someone else! My dad ignores my mum on the rare occasions they see eachother, which is obviously how he chooses to deal with the situation but my mum takes it so much to heart I've ended up telling her to get a grip in the past.

I think you should tell your dad straight that you don't want to hear him say anymore negative things about your mum. End of. I wouldn't invite him to anymore special days like birthdays if he doesn't stop. If you don't want to confront him in person could you email/write to him and tell him this?

Of course YANBU, how horrible of him. I feel very sorry for you having to keep hearing it. It seems like you've done a great deal of forgiving (am impressed ) and it's a real pity he hasn't.

He really hates her by the sound of it. I find it really hard to be in the same room as someone that I really dislike - I just can't do the 'lets pretend we're all friends' thing. But the constant bitching would really piss me off and I would end up telling him to suck it up or fuck off.

I don't think you have the right to ask him to forgive and forget but YANBU to want to be kept well out of it. So, no more snide comments from him and you will do your bit by not inviting them to the same function.

BarbarianMum It's hard not to invite them to the same things though - how do we pick which of them gets invited to DS2's Christening, for example? Or to the boys' birthday parties?

I get that he must find it hard to be around her, they have never been able to get on well, but it's not like at family functions it's just the two of them in a tiny room. DS1's 1st and 2nd birthday parties were held in a local park - lots of space to be nowhere near each other if that's how he wanted it!

YANBU but you can't make your dad change his attitude. It was the other way round with me. Mum kept putting my dad down in front of me, I just simply told her that it was their issue and nothing to do with me so if she didn't have anything nice to say not say anything at all.

Funny enough though my dad never said a bad word against her and she was the one that had the affair, became a drunk etc. So I'd be inclined to think he's not that innocent in it all hence having to keep putting her down to justify his own part in things.

Well, without wanting to sound too much like Supernanny, if your dad can't behave then generally he would get to miss out. Or invite him and accept that he will drop in then drop out - but that's not a good solution if it upsets you each time.

It is not unreasonable for you not to want to be caught in the middle and you certainly don't want your lo there.

He is not being unreasonable to not want to attend the same events but you would not be unreasonable to ask him to stop the snide comments.
I would suggest that you agree not to discuss your mum at all and do not invite them to the same events - maybe take turns. You can't always make people play happy families to suit you.

Have you tried telling him how you feel?

Debs I haven't really ever spoken to him about this issue but it's very hard to speak to him about anything. He and my Stepmum never do or say anything without consulting each other, so they both have to be present in order to 'respond properly' to anything I say, and she is likely to go off in a sulk if I don't do or say what she wants me to, closely followed by him because they always have to agree on everything

They stopped speaking to me towards the end of last year for about four weeks because I said I wasn't happy with them taking DS1 (just over two years old at the time) up to London for a whole day. I wasn't being PFB about it either, he was going through a tough time adjusting to his new brother and had a lot of separation anxiety going on, but they made me out to be neurotic and mad because I didn't want to have some 'time to myself'.

What a PITA! In that case I wouldn't confront it directly.

Is there any way you could drop hints in a subtle way about things like, isn't it a shame when people hold grudges... isn't it impressive when people find happiness and let go of the past... etc?

Ah. So would you or your children miss your dad and stepmum if they weren't there, at whatever family occasion it is? Or would it be nicer without them?

What's it like when they aren't speaking to you? Do you miss them, or do you find you don't much notice the absence?

I would find it a shame if they didn't attend things but I'd probably feel less tense about things too. DS1 probably wouldn't notice the absence yet, and DS2 definitely wouldn't as he's only seven and a half months old, but as they get older they might start to question why their Grandad doesn't come to their birthday parties.. Or maybe if I stop inviting him to things now it'll just be normal by the time they're old enough to think in more depth about it?

Yes my mum and dad are similar but you can't keep pandering to him I know easier said that done, but I'm like you but realising you have to put your life first. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells and be scared of having your feelings because your worried he might fall out with you. I'm in this position at the moment with my dad after along time of him acting what I would describe as a baby. Him treating me badly, getting annoyed for the slightest thing then expecting me to ring him. He never apologises. I am at the point where I have had enough and like you I am in the middle of mum and dads feuding even though they are divorced and they want to score points over one another.

I'm not speaking to my dad right now and I do get upset sometimes of how he's being but the longer it goes on I don't miss him much which is sad to say but I am worn down by the emotional abuse.

Given all you've said, I think your dad sounds like a bit of a drama sulky type person. And given how much he dislikes coming to your get togethers, I'd stop inviting him If you want to, have a separate thing with less pressure. As your DC get older, it'll be less of an issue anyway as they will have friend parties rather than GP ones.

If it's difficult to speak to him/them directly, why not write a letter to him. You could explain how it makes you very uncomfortable to hear his snide comments, and you would rather he kept them to himself for the sake of family peace and so that you can enjoy the occasional get togethers on special occasions. You might also point out that if he only intends to stay for 40 minutes, perhaps he can let you know in advance so that it is less upsetting when he storms out. If he sulks or refuses to come to the next get-together, so be it.

Have we convinced you that YANBU yet?

'Have we convinced you that YANBU yet?'

Yes, thanks! I think I knew it anyway really, but it's nice to have it confirmed!

YANBU and you have my full sympathy. I'm getting married this year and the one thing that's making me lose sleep is how tricky it's going to be to manage my dad's weirdness around my mum, despite the fact that they've been separated for over a decade and are both happily remarried.

So far I've found the best approach is to tackle it head-on. In my case that's meant raising the subject directly, trying to make allowances for sensitive feelings but making it clear that they will have to spend some time sharing the same air and that I expect everyone to behave like grownups.

Your father sounds like my mother. Sighhhhhh.

I often quote janet street porter's "fit in or fuck off" mantra. I would have been tooa afraid to use that with my mother but it sounds like your dad could handle it?? It is not really fair in your brother, kids, etc that your dad leaves their party early because of something another guest has done, i e your mother.

20 years is a long time but my mother (am estranged) would behave exactly the same way. It would feek like 20 minutes since he,s left, not twenty years.

Parents. Who,d ave em, etc

Hi o thehugemantaee,

Just read your post there I know how you feel, feeling responsible to make your parents happy but you know it hit a chord, you don't have to manage your dads weirdness around your mum, that's up to him to manage.its your day don't worry about them. Concentrate on enjoying your special day, weddings cost enough dont they?

I've always took on the responsibility role but there comes a time when you think let go, taking on that role makes you unhappy and sad and causes too much worry. Only they can control what they do so leave them to it. It's your special day and they should respect that

Rachy - it didn't really come up for me until the wedding planning, as there didn't seem to be much cause for my parents coinciding until then. I worried about it for quite a while, until I finally decided as you say that it just wasn't my problem. Since tackling it head-on life feels much easier and sweeter

I'm glad. At least you can now enjoy your day.

Hope you have a great day.

When I was growing up I had a difficult relationship with my Mum. I don't want to go into too many details but there was some abuse (physical violence and a lot of emotional bullying)

Imagine this thread if the roles of the father and mother were reversed. Certainly if your mother was physically violent to him then I can understand why he habours resentment.

From everything the OP said, her mother was very difficult.

No maybe her father shouldn't be carrying it on after 20 years, but I can't help but feel that perhaps he has reason to harbour some resentment even after all this time. You can't expect everyone to forgive and move on even if you have, if certain behaviour is involved imho.