To be dithering about getting divorced?

[washingonawednesday]

We've been split up for 10 months. No reconciliation ever as he has had 7 affairs over the last 12 years (confessed to all when we finally split) and quite frankly I think he's a bastard. We have a 14 month old child.

He keeps banging on about divorce as he wants to marry the OW. Happy to let me divorce him for adultery but if I don't get a move on I have been threatened that 'he will divorce me for adultery as I have a boyfriend now' (even though we didn't meet till 6 months post split).

As a single mum I don't have the time, money or inclination to have to try to organise something else now. Makes no difference to me if we are divorced or not- I just don't care!

I am happy to get divorced if he wants to organise and pay for it, but will I be opening myself to legal costs or other stuff (god knows what- I have no frame of reference for divorce) if he divorced me rather than the other way round?

We are in the process of selling the house and have a plan for where that money is going. He already pays child maintenance and sees his son every other weekend as we now live so far apart. I'm not entitled to anything from him as we were only married 4 years.

Aibu to fanny around or should I just sort this? (caveat- I really can't be bothered!)

I'll be interested to see replies as I am in a sort of similar position, except my H doesn't actually want to divorce (and neither of us is with anyone else, afaik) I think we probably should divorce, but can't be bothered with all the hassle and wrangling I know will come out of it. We have a reasonably stable arrangement at the moment but I think in the long-run I am going to suffer financially if we stay married, he will suffer if we divorce. Since I am not in desperate straits at the moment, and have so much on my plate, it is something I can keep pushing to the back of my mind.
We have 2 older dc and are coming up for 15 years of marriage, split (properly) 6 months ago, but 'virtually' a year ago.

Many solicitors will give you an initial consultation for free.

Why not say to him look, I am happy to get shot of you, but I don't see why it should cost me money when you were the one dipping your wick all over the place.

You want a divorce, fine - meet all the costs - yours AND mine - and get on with it.

washingonawednesday to say that you're not entitled to anything because you were only married for four years is rubbish. And if he's told you this, he is manipulating you.
I suggest that you and LieIns go and see a solicitor ASAP.
You don't have to start anything, or take it further if you're not ready but you will then at least have the correct information to base your decisions on.

I always believe that you should be in control of your own life as much as possible and avoid being 'done to'.

On that basis I would divorce him on the grounds of adultery, it's better than the paper work going through as you being at fault as you were not.

The forms are all on line and it's fairly cheap to pay the court fees. I divorced my ex husband that way, the CAB were fantastic and had a check sheet for the wording so I knew when it went to court that it was correct. I just had to take the paperwork in to a desk at the court (didn't need an appointment), pay the fee (after collecting half of it from my ex) and swear on the bible. All fairly easy once I put my mind to it. I had a baby DC at the time so it took a bit longer than it would normally.

I wish I had done it sooner, taking control, moving on and looking forward is the way IMO!

I did go and see a solicitor last year - I was warned that divorcing an alcoholic (which my dh is) can be very expensive as they may not cooperate, turn up for hearings etc. It all sounds like such a can of worms I can't face it right now. And he has been better (sober around the children) since Christmas so I can trust him more again.

Think it would be a good thing for you to do OP (the initial consultation). If I remember correctly it is not necessarily your or your H's decision who will meet the costs - if he offers to then fine, but he could argue it should be split and it could come down to a court's decision, depending on how much you can agree on everything.

You don't divorce someone 'for' anything any more. It's a no-blame thing - 50/50. If you agree the nuts and bolts of who gets what between you amicably, a solicitor will only charge the minimum to finalise the deal. It's only if you argue everything through the courts that it gets expensive.

Cogito - you do still need grounds. The test is whether the marriage has irretrievably broken down, but the applicant does need to prove one of five grounds: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, living separately for two years with agreement on both sides, or living apart for five years.

Yes, I thought you had to have been living apart for a year before anything could happen (although maybe that's if no children or just in Scotland?).

www.divorce-online.co.uk/

Try this or search the web, haven't been divorced myself but thought this might help, I am sure my sisters divorce was not too expensive ir difficult you do not always have to go to court.

Hope the link works

I have a friend whose divorce cost about £500 - her H left her to do everything and she basically did it online. They had 3 children and 2 properties to sort out, too! Although not exaclty 'amicable' they both cooperated and that was fairly straightforward. Another close friend divorced her adulterous husband who fought, didn't turn up, or failed to provide information etc. all the way and it cost them £16,000. So it's better if you agree on as much as possible beforehand...this would be the problem in my case, I think!

This website talks you through the divorce process, you can complete the paperwork yourself or with the cab and only pay the court fees. If he files the paperwork then he has to pay the fee.

It might be worth seeing a solicitor to chek you're getting everything that youre entitled to, though, in the financial settlement.

My OH did everything online - cost just under £500 I think. Can't remember the exact name of the company but I think it was something like 'Quickie divorce'?

Thanks for the info. I think I wil seek legal advice as he earns £40k and I'm on benefits after having to leave my job as our separation forced me to relocate.

it makes absolutely no difference who divorces who, or for what reason. Let him divorce you. It doesnt get put in the paper anymore and noone will know.

Don't sign anythging about selling the house if your name is on the deeds. DON'T. You could be entitled to live there after the divorce because of your child.

I divorced my husband and bought his half. My solicitor pointed out that I could get a reduction in the price I would have to pay for his half by relinquishing any right to his future pension not that it was much. I paid half price for his half share in the house and have a 4 bedroomed one. The price reduction of his half was his pension pot.

I divoreced my husband for adultery - got the form, filled it in and just took it to the court and paid the fee. He agreeded to the petition and as soon as the decree nisi was issued I applied for the absolute.
Took under 8 weeks I think and cost apprx £150.

Go and see Cirizen's Advice. It's free and they can give you up to the minute advice and sort all the forms for you. They have helped me lots in the past. Good luck :)

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