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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my brother should "believe" more in Mothers Day?

19 replies

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 07:03

I had a disagreement with my brother on the phone yesterday, who thinks mothers day is commercial rubbish and he doesn't really "believe" in it. I made the point that it is a centuries old event, celebrated by the church - and our mum is a believer who goes to church now and then.

He is 48 unmarried, no kids, never had along term relationship....so there are certain things he just doesn't get. Our mum who is 85 told him not to waste a lot of money on flowers etc for mothers day. i think she still wanted a little something mind you. he got her nothing- just a card. I live 100s miles away so wasn;t there on the day but he said she was upset that he had taken her at her word, so he begrudgingly handed her a £fiver.

I told him that he ought to put his cynicism aside and think about what the day means to her- rather than being up his own backside and doing what " he wants". He didn't agree so AIBU?

OP posts:

Gumby · 20/03/2012 07:05

Well he was there on the day and you weren't so perhaps your mum was just pleased to see him

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 07:07

he's there a lot - he lives 2 miles down the road and they help him out a lot with various things. I couldn't be there because I was meeting my own daughter who lives a long way away- at least 400 miles from my own mum.

OP posts:

JustHecate · 20/03/2012 07:09

Yes and no

I don't think anyone has the right to tell another person what they should or should not believe. That never ends well.

However, when something matters to someone you love, then a nice, loving person would see that and do something that they think is rubbish (unless they have a deep moral objection to it!!) because it means something to someone they care about.

Handing her a fiver in the way you describe is horrible of him. Really horrible.

I think mothers' day is a pile of crap. I hate doing something because everyone else is, because it's expected, demanded and people are going like good little sheep.

However, guess where I was at 9am sunday morning?

Delivering tulips to my mother 20 miles away.

Because although I think it's a pile of shit - she likes to feel thought of and how she feels matters to me. She may be a mad old bat, but she's my mad old bat.

I think that's what your brother is failing to consider.

(not my mother being a mad old bat)

lesley33 · 20/03/2012 07:14

I agree with everything Hecate said (including my mother being a mad old bat).

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 07:16

JH that is what I think.

I mean I am all for someone having prnciples- about things that matter like hanging, not defrauding the benefits system, education etc etc- but mothers day?

he does the same pretty much at Christmas - he does buy gifts but moans ( as we all do) about the commercialism of it all. Likewise birthdays- because he doesn't have and never has had a partner, he has no one to make a fuss of him, so he underplays birthdays- which spills over into everyone else's in the family as well.

I wouldn't care if he had no money and could not afford much- that would be fine- but he is reasonably well off, spends a lot on himself and his hobbies as a single bloke, but he is just mean spirited.

TBH my mum at 85 is not going to have many more mothers days and I think the least he could do is to try to make them a bit special - she devoted years and years to him- he lived at home until he was 30 and they were mid 60s.

OP posts:

FredFredGeorge · 20/03/2012 07:18

Your argument falls down, because Mothers day whilst a very old event, had very little to do with your mother, The MOTHER in Mothering Sunday was the childhood church, not a parent. Because visiting the Mother church generally meant you also visited the parents, and the name it became more of a celebration of family too. However all the ideas about celebrating mothers themselves comes from Mothers day which is a much younger celebration.

So YABU, if he doesn't like celebrating it, he shouldn't celebrate it.

JustHecate · 20/03/2012 07:21

Well, if he doesn't like any of it, you know what to do - stop buying him anything and stop involving him.

"We know how much you hate commercialisation, so we're not going to get you anything and we don't want anything from you either. see you in the new year "

Then just enjoy celebrating what you want to celebrate with cheery people

Get on with it without him. Why on earth are you allowing one person to take something away from the whole family?

SaynotoDaisyMeadows · 20/03/2012 07:23

just wondering, if it matters so much to you, why you were meeting your dd. Could you have met her on another day and gone to see your mum instead?

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 07:23

I thought it was a day when children who worked away from home were given the day off to visit thier mothers? Why is it on the church calendar then?

TBH I don't think the roots of it are really the issue. What matters is that it means a lot to my mum who is a very soft hearted, motherly, sentimental type of person who devoted all her adult life to being a mum, and a good one most of the time.

At its simplest- regardless of the history of the day- it's one day when it is possible to make a fuss of your mum and show her you care. it's what is means to HER that is the point, not him who has no concept of parenthood as he has no kids and no partner, and expresssly wants neither.

OP posts:

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 07:25

Daisy it's called divided loyalties. There were reasons why I needed to see my own DD who lives 150 miles away- that day. too complicated to explain here. I made the effort in other ways for my mum but that did not include a 300 mile road trip.

OP posts:

iscream · 20/03/2012 07:34

Your brother is only thinking of himself, rather than your mother. I would be quite happy just to have my son come visit, and bring a card, present does not matter in the least. It's a nice perk though if one is given.

But if a person can afford a present and is just too cheap, shame on him! Would it have killed him to give his 85 year old mother some flowers?

FilterCoffee · 20/03/2012 07:44

YANBU.

With festivals and traditions it's kind to put any cynicism of one's own aside and think of the other person, what their religion/festivals/customs are, and what they would like on that day.

lottiegb · 20/03/2012 07:49

It's not about him is it, it's about her. This is just about basic awareness of, empathy for and consideration of others.

He sounds very selfish and self-absorbed, placing what he 'believes' (and I doubt this is a deep and passionately held 'belief') above what his mother might want and the idea that it might be nice to her some appreciation occasionally.

lottiegb · 20/03/2012 07:50

'Show her some appreciation'

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 07:58

well I am glad that I am not way out on a limb with my thinking.
My mum is incredibly soft hearted you see and every mothers day she mentions that she wishes her own mother was still alive so she could make a fuss of her- I know it matters a lot to her. Not in a superficial way of getting loads of gifts, but just a time to show some appreciation.

OP posts:

lottiegb · 20/03/2012 08:04

I was more shocked to read that 'they help him out with various things'. Was prepared to read that the other way around and think 'oh well then, if he's always round mending and doing things for them maybe he feels he's done his bit' but, the other way around, at their ages and then being unwilling to buy a bunch of flowers?!

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 08:23

He does do things for them as they have a huge garden so he does help out- but equally they look after his dog when needed, and he has parcels delivered there as he's out all day.....and when he's laid up with flu/colds they shop for him and take it round......

OP posts:

dexter73 · 20/03/2012 08:31

Your brother does sound like he is stuck in the 'child' role and hasn't properly cut the apron strings yet! Even if he does think it is all a load of bull he must realise that it does mean something to your mum and just to buy a card and some flowers requires so little effort on his part but would mean so much to your mum.

Original poster

ameliagrey · 20/03/2012 08:47

he is very tight when it comes to presents anyway. It's not a matter of money- he is not badly off- has just spent a lot on a skiing holiday and has other hobbies that cost £££.

The point is that at 48 he has never had a relationship. Full stop. Longest one was 6 months and she dumped him.

He is not into families and although he is looking online for a partner he does not want one with children- even grown up children.

He doesn't have anyone to make a fuss of his birthdays etc etc so he kind of dismisses them- as a defence mechanism in a way- and he takes this line with anything to do with times when families show love- including Christmas.

As a family we are as "uncommercial" as you can imagine. we never spend much on gifts but he won't even join in with the spirit of it, whatever the occasion. he is a Victor Meldrew really.

OP posts:

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