To feel VERY guilty about ending friendship (long)

[Diamondback]

I posted a while ago about a friend of mine who I was considering quietly dropping (not very hard at the time, as she was ignoring me because I couldn't attend her birthday party (my kid was sick). General advice was that she was an evil toxic cow and I shouldn't worry about sloping off and avoiding her.

The background is that we've been friends since we were children (about 25 years now!), but she's often put me down in front of other people, told all her husband's friends about my private life so they can noisily take the piss out of me at parties, dropped me for nights out when she's had a better offer.

On the other hand, she was really there for me when I got divorced, when my mum died and gave me loads of baby clothes and stuff she didn't need anymore.

We did previously have a period of not being in contact for a year after she really (and I believe deliberately) upset my sister at my wedding to the point that my sister had to leave. She knows that my sister finds weddings difficult since her own divorce and that she has a bit of a tendency to go off the deep end at family occasions when she's had a few drinks. She also doesn't know my sister that well.

My friend was, I later found out, deeply offended I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (in context, I have been her bridesmaid twice, but with only twenty five guests at my wedding I thought 3 flowergirls (including her daughter) was enough and she had told me she was alright with this, even though she wasn't).

So, at the wedding, she cornered my sister and started asking her if she was finding my wedding upsetting, because it must really remind her of her own wedding and must be very difficult. My sister kept trying to change the subject, but this friend wouldn't drop it. Eventually my sister fled in tears.

After about a year of not speaking, she made contact and I thought that - given how good she'd been to me in the past, and how long we'd been friends, and being her bridesmaid twice - I could take some responsibility for not realising how hurt she'd be not to be a bridesmaid. I apologised for not realising how much it meant to her.

We've since seen each other now and then but, since I had my baby, it hasn't been that pleasant. Everytime I see her, she spends ages telling me all about problems at work and fallings out she's had with people and then, before I can get a word in edgeways, she's making snide remarks aobut how I'll never get my figure back now I've had a baby and 'everyone will know you're wearing control pants', how all breastfeeding mothers smell of 'bad cheese, not even the nice kind' and how my baby girl looks like her Dad 'and it's not a good look on a girl'.

Anyway, sorry it's so long, I didn't want to dripfeed (and have no idea how to find my previous post and link to it!).

The point is, she recently started texting me and I've been trying to politely put her off, tell her I'm busy, or just not respond, but then she emailed me to ask if my phone was broken and why wasn't I getting back to her? There's only so much ignoring you can do so I replied and outlined, with as little bitterness as possible, that I had tried to move past her behaviour at my wedding but couldn't and why i'd got the impression lately that she didn't really enjoy seeing me either. I suggested the friendship had gone past it's sell by date and maybe we should move on.

She's sent me a text in reply saying that she's really sorry, she doesn't have any idea why I think she would deliberately try to wind my sister up at the wedding and all her comments about my weight, etc, were just jokes and I've taken them out of context and she loves me and wants to remain friends.

I replied that I wish her and her family all the best, but I think it's best if we give each other some space for the mo.

Now I am racked with guilt and conflict. What if she really didn't mean to upset my sister (although I find it hard to understand why else she'd hammer on subjects she knew would be upsetting, with my emotionally volatile sibling)? Were her comments meant solely in jest and she thought I'd get it? Should I give her another chance? I even had a dream last night that I went to see her and we hugged and agreed to forget it all.

Argh! Racked with guilt! AIBU!

She sounds like an utter bitch to be honest. I think you handled the situation amazingly well and you should be proud of yourself. Don't go back for more, please. Instead, spend your time working out why you let people treat you like that.

Don't feel guilty.

She sounds like a bit of a cow, who now probably has no-one to moan at.

Ask yourself why she's having all these fall outs with other people that she was telling you about, is it really that she's so fabulous and people are just taking her the wrong way, or is she just a bit of a bitch?

I think you've handled things with great dignity, and it's a very positive comment on your character that you feel guilty. However you have absolutely no need to feel so. To turn these comments round and say it was a joke and you're the one who's not getting the joke is classic bullying bitch behaviour.
Carry on as you are and hold your head high. Just think of the advice you'd give someone in your position....

You've done the right thing, honestly. I had to do this once, and it hurt. She still tries to mend things after 6 years, but I just can't go there again. Stick to your guns, don't feel guilty, she is 'playing' you if she can.

Not an excuse for her behaviour but could she be insecure (terrible cliche!)? I know a few people who accentuate the negatives in other peoples' lives in a 'jokey' way because it makes them feel better about themselves. The primary aim may not be to hurt people, but obviously she does. Very selfish attitude obviously and, after a lifetime of it, probably not likely to change.

Not that it matters what the reason is. I think I'd just keep repeating that, whatever her intentions, you've found a lot of her behaviour very hurtful and you do not want to see her right now. Might make her stop and think!

She's abusive.

Cut her out of your life completely and for good.

It worries me that you have such little self worth and self confidence that this wouldn't have been abundantly clear to you, without having to garner opinion. You are worth more than the way she's treated you.

She sounds dreadful and her behaviour isn't exactly a one off is it?

The only thing in the favour of this relationship seems to be time. There are many many other potential friends who will be much nicer than this. I couldn't be friends with her out of loyalty to my sister either.

I'd just keep the distance - it'll help her learn a lesson to treat people better in future and if for some reason you do rekindle the relationship then she might behave better (although I think with time you won't want to).

I think you've handled it incredibly. Don't feel guilty.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. Stay well away from her.

Seriously. do not let her back in. You've done all the hard work. She is not a real friend, she is someone who hurts your feelings and your sister's feelings. Just block her number and ignore from now on.

I think you have done the right thing. You may or may not reconcile in the future but sometimes it does have to be done. I was dropped by a friend some years ago.We'd known each other all our lives but after a number of events that I won't go into she told me she needed to not see me for sometime. She was perfectly justified and although I was obviously upset I understood why and when she got back in touch a couple of years later we rebuild what is now a very good and strong friendship - though we know where the "danger areas" are and generally don't go there. Well done for having the courage to be up front. At least she can't ever say you just disappeared. Don't feel guilty.

No doubt she enjoys having someone to pick on and belittle. Of course she's going to fight to keep that facility. Well done for standing your ground, and don't let her guilt you back into being her personal punchbag again.

stop feeling guilty. you're doing the right thing.

Dont feel guilty, no one needs a friend like this x

It doesn't really matter whether she meant or did not mean to upset your sister - you clearly don't really enjoy her company any longer and whether she intends to or not, she seems to frequently make you stressed and upset. You do not need to have people like that in your life and you owe her nothing.

OP, she meant every single word that came out of her mouth. She is what is known as a manipulator. She's the verbal equivalent of a husband lamping his wife and then apologising.

You were her verbal plaything. She only wants to remain your friend so that you can entertain her some more...

I think that you've done the right thing and NBU.She wants to get back on side only so she can dump you.Toxic so called friends do this as they hate to be one dumped.Keep well away.You sound nice,don't let her screwyou up. Mx.

She sounds toxic. She'll drain you of your life slowly but surely. Keep away from people like this. Just keep ignoring.

I had a friend like this and we have just fallen out for the 3rd and definitely last time! I've never fallen out with anyone else before and she falls out with everyone so, like your friend also, it says a lot doesn't it.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I think it's right that I probably do need to work out why I let people treat me like this and take responsibility for everyone else's feelings - if it wasn't for the fact that it would be so disloyal to my sister, I might have caved already!

That is partly why I feel responsible really - if I was more honest upfront and pulled people up on stuff as soon as they do/say something out of order (rather than hiding from conflict like the big wuss I am) they'd have an opportunity to reflect, or realise they're offending me, or get right of reply rather than me waiting until I can't take any more and cutting them out completely.

I liked HannahZ's advice: 'whatever her intentions, you've found a lot of her behaviour very hurtful and you do not want to see her right now.' That does help.

Also, trixie123, it was really useful to get your perspective from the other side.

Well done OP for having the guts to tell her why you no longer wish to remain friends - far easier to just ignore as I'm sure many including me would probably do . I suspect she's never been spoken to like that before & maybe this will be the wake up call she needed but I wouldn't hang around to find out. Move on.

seriously she is an emotional vampire, cut her loose. No one is that insensitive that they dont realise that upsetting soemones sister, telling all their secrets, dropping them at a moments notice, and making snide remarks about their newborn anf their figure are going to amount to making someone feel less friendly to you! what kind of friend tells you that your baby is ugly, that you smell and that your fat????? She is hideous.... I had a friend exactly like that, and it was always me "taking it out of context / getting too upset / being over sensitive / not realising it was a joke" funny how no one else made me feel that way! Dont feel bad and dont waste your time trying to work out why she is this way. She just is, and its not your responsibility or job to worry about it. You have made the right choice and dealt with it really well. Well done and DONT let her back!!!

I agree with Damon, she sounds toxic and you need to keep her out of your life!

She is basically saying she can say what she wants and that it's only a joke so essentially saying you are in the wrong for taking things the wrong way.

Dump her and move on

Just venting now really, but the silliest thing is that the thing that upsets me most is a thing that happened years ago: she was/is a big Jason Donovan fan and years ago, in the JD 'wilderness' years, he was playing at a local nightclub.

None of her other friends would go with her so she begged me to go with her, knowing that I loathe his music, but I agreed to go so that she could. She bought the tix and agreed I'd give her the money on the night.

The day before the concert, she called to say one of her other friends had changed her mind, so she'd given her my ticket, but I could still ring the box office and buy my own ticket if I still wanted to come.

I cringe to admit it, but I was so lonely at the time that I did buy a ticket and went with them, only to be ignored all night while they did their own dance routines, shared private jokes, etc.

AIBU in that I really need to remove the 'Kick Me' sign from my own back right now...

You are very hard on yourself Diamond. She treated you like shit, and you being a nice person didn't smack her in the face like she deserved. There's no "kick me" sign on your back, there's a "bitch" sign on her forehead!

If she really is a good friend, she'll give you the space you feel you need. Stop feeling guilty.

Diamond, dumping her will boost your self esteem and help to make you realise that you are worth far more than her, and also that it is indeed her with the problem and certainly not you.

Friendships like this never go well if you hang onto them and give the nasty person the benefit of the doubt IME. I had a 'friend' like yours, although I hadn't known her as long, and she seemingly built our friendship on feeling superior to me and entertaining herself by being nasty. I put up with it as in some ways she did seem nice, for example she was very generous, but clearly this was all part of her game plan to try to confuse me and make out it was me with the problem. I think she was jealous tbh. She got nastier and nastier then on a girls' night out about a year ago was intolerable, making nasty comments and openly slagging me off to others, not letting them talk to me (dragging them away) and I flipped and told her a few home truths and never to contact me again. The other 'friends' from that group sided with her as 'well it's just what she's like, I think you're being too sensitive' but they were no loss either, they were all welcome to each other.

What I'm trying to say is, get out of the friendship now before she does something really awful and upsets you even more.