To be seething at my daughter's dad's asking how is "my little princess"?

[OhMyTummyMummy]

Here's the context, in as much of a nutshell as I can:

My daughter is two and a half. Let's call her Emma. Her dad and I were never a serious item. He did not put his name on her birth cert, nor has he ever contributed in any way, and his parents do not even know they are grandparents.

In the first 18 months of Emma's life he came to see her a handful of times. We moved away at that point, as we were living in a big city a long way from my family and I was finding it very tough

To his credit, he has seen her more often in the last year since we moved (typical!), he now comes for 2 or so hours about once every month, and he has mentioned that he would like to come more often but I am going to see what happens as he has said this before and it came to nothing. Fixing up visits has always been a nightmare as he never really commits to dates (better recently) and I have been as gracious and welcoming as i possibly can to keep this thread of contact....

And I have made HUGE efforts to keep this thread with him despite some very hard times. I did this for Emma's sake as her dad is not a bad man, he is just pretty useless, very immature and he has never really come to terms with the fact that he is a dad. But Emma does have a dad and I feel that it is important she knows that and who he is.

We have always had pictures of them together at home, we talk about him quite alot (for example if she mentions other daddies - which she does more and more now as he goes to nursery and other daddies pick up their children etc, I say a few words about her daddy or try and get her to tell me about so and so's daddy so I can chip in some info about her daddy).

In case you are wondering, I am not in any way hoping for anything from this man. It suits me to have him in the background rather than him asking to see Emma every other weekend and so on...In fact, i would be utterly panicked at the thought as he hasn't got a clue and she does't really know him at all...To be very honest, even the thought of him coming more often annoys me a little now - And yes, i can see how mixed up that is...anyway I digress sorry.

So of course, I am making all this effort and feeling angry at the same time. Angry because he is so unreliable. Angry because he blows hot and cold depending on whether he has a girlfriend or if he is at a loose end. Angry because he pleads poverty and I know that's just rubbish...and now something has just happened that has made this anger pop up in a raging volcano and before reacting I am looking to you all for a bit of advice!!

We never usually hear from him between visits, but I just got an email asking "how is my little princess" and I am seething!!!
I think you can probably guess that his choice of words have got to me.
I could see the positives in this, he is thinking of Emma and finally seeing her as "his" (even if he still hasnt told his family etc), but I am just wondering what planet he is living on....

I have swallowed my tongue so many times, i am probably over reacting to this, but I would welcome your thoughts to help me calm down and to help me word a reply that "sets a boundary" somehow...?

Many thanks...it wasn't really in a nutshell was it?

You've dealt with a lot, and you've dealt with it in a really mature way. Well done for keeping that thread of contact going for your DD.

I can completely see why this would have riled you, but don't let it change things. It seems to me that he doesn't really have a clue about the true responsibilities of parenthood and just enjoys the good times when it suits him. Annoying as hell when it is you doing all the hard graft. But you will get your rewards from it, and part of that will be the satisfaction of knowing you have done absolutely the right thing by DD and her dad.

Hopefully this is a step towards him taking things more seriously and becoming a decent dad that can bring more positives to your DD. Keep biting that tongue and, once again, well done for always putting your DD first. x

I can see why that phrase would really piss you off, but it's just a few words on a screen. Sounds like you're doing a great job. Stay strong.

If he had said "how is the kid?" I could see why you might be irate... but using what is quite probably his way of expressing care about his child may not be to your liking, but it is hardly worthy of "setting boundaries"...

but what boundaries are you trying to set? you've gone to lengths to ensure his involvment in her life, you give her info about "her daddy" when she brings up the subject, what am I missing here? Is it the use of "my" or the use of the twee "little princess"? surely you could forsee him describing his child as "my (whatever)" when he's been developing more of a relationship with her.

I don't see what is so wrong with him saying that tbh.
its a term of affection - a nice one. He thinks of her as his little princess.
I can see why all the other things make you angry. Maybe you should take that up with him, although you contradict yourself a bit - one minute you are complaining that he is an absent father but then saying that you wouldn't want him to have her every other weekend anyway.
It is outrageous that he hasn't told his family about her - and he does sound like a waster but really that comment isn't that bad.

Good points and I know I am contradicting myself, I have a mix of contradictory feelings about him and this whole situation as what is best for my daughter may not be easiest for me!

I guess the phrase that sent me into a huff - "my little princess" - suggests she is at the centre of his world etc. And his behaviour to date, hardly ever seeing her, not telling his family, not supporting her and so on just don't fit with that - and it annoys me that he is playing "doting father" in this email and I am sure we won't hear from him for another month after I reply...

But yes, at least he is asking for once!
And at least he didn't say "how's the kid"!!

He sounds annoying, but that's the man you've had a baby with. Let it go and be careful what you wish for...

I think perhaps you may be reading too much into it. He annoys you personally, so almost ANYTHING he said would probably annoy you. Let it go. At least he is making an effort, even if it's not exactly how you'd like. Lots of fathers don't even go that far.

Be the bigger person in this. It's frustrating, but as both your DD and he get older, he hopefully will mature a bit and they will have a great relationship.. and that will only benefit your DD in the long run.