I need some perspective, please.

[LadySybilDeChocolate]

Ds is 12, almost 13. His father left when I was heavily pregnant and drifted in and out of jobs until ds was 2, never really paying any maintenance. I paid for everything ds needed/needs. The CSA assessed him and since he was 2 he's been paying £200 a month (lower then the assessed amount then).

For the first 3 years contact was sporadic. He'd fail to turn up or arrange for ds to spend the night at his mother's so that he could go off and do other things on his contact days. I admit that I didn't make it easy for him when he did this, I'd nag. He moved abroad when ds was 3, saying he was bored. He said he'd come and see ds every few months. He didn't and has seen him 3 or 4 times in 10 years. He keeps saying he'd like ds to go and see him yet makes no effort to contact ds. I don't know how much he earns, he's still paying maintenance though. He got married 6 years ago and they have a daughter who ds has never met. Ds gets no phone calls from his father, he did email for a few months (because I told him to), has sent 1 letter.

The maintenance has never changed, although my finances have. I became ill 2 years ago and had to leave my job. I've become self employed and it's financially hard at the moment. I sent him an email last week asking for an increase in maintenance until I was earning some more money. For the past 2 years I've been paying for ds to see a physio as he has hypermobility syndrome and is unable to walk any further then a few metres without falling over or finding it too painful to walk. My travel costs have soared since he started secondary school as I have to go with him (due to the falling). I need help from his father as ds still needs the weekly physio, which I can't afford.
Tonight I've received a text message saying they have just remortgaged and they had another baby at Christmas. I'm annoyed that he hasn't put our son on his list of priorities, yet again. Ds is suffering and it's selfish of him to have another child when he can't look after the ones he already has. AIBU? I need some perspective here as I'm pissed off!

I can see where you are coming from BUT your child isnt his new wifes responsibility and she entitled to have a child (or more) if she wishes.

Are you getting DLA and carers for hypermobility? Why isn't school organising transport? they should be if he is that physically disabled. And it should be funded by the LA.

I tried last year, they turned him down stating that he wasn't eligible as he can actually walk. It's not the nearest school but is the best one for him so there's no transport. Ds has never been on his list of priorities, I'm not sure why I'm so pissed off.

It would have been nice for him to tell ds that he was having another sister rather then waiting until she was 5 months old.

they turned him down stating that he wasn't eligible as he can actually walk

Well I dont understand that - some of our ASD children get transport - and are merrily up the shopping mall unaccompanied of a weekend .....

Yes!! I appealed, they still turned him down. He can't fasten or unfasten buttons so needs help to get dressed and go to the toilet (jeans!), he can't cut up his food, he can't fasten shoe laces. It wasn't enough. He's now falling off his bed on a weekly basis, they don't care. He falls into the road and down the stairs, I've told them this. They were not interested.

OF COURSE YANBU no wonder you are pissed off

It just feels as though it's all on me, again. I don't often ask for help and have only asked him twice in 13 years for help with something that ds needs.

Have you got a care worker for yoru son? Sorry, im not meaning to interrogate - but it seems so unjust that he isnt getting the help he is entitled to. Can't school plead your case for transport?

A care worker? I do everything. He's just been referred to an OT though, she/he's going to assess him for dyspraxia. The school isn't in our county. It's a private school, he was given a bursary. He's very bright, working 4 years ahead in most subjects. The schools here couldn't cater for him. There's also a school nurse so he can see her when he hurts himself at school (which he does a lot).

sounds like you're getting on bloody well without his "help" in a practical sense, but that this new baby is like a proverbial slap in your faces (in a moral and economic duty and side effect to that emotional response) . Of course you pissed off

"care worker" - comes under a mantra of titles depending on need. Some might call it SS - schools usually have a host of care/support workers either on site or on call for vaying needs. I don;t know how private secondaries work, only state ones. I suppose that precludes transport help, if it's private.

I still don't think you are getting the help you need though - and I'm limited in what I can suggest. But MN is like a bus stop - someone more helpful will be along right behind me with suggestions.

but re maint - again Im no way experienced or qualified - but if you have a hazzard at what your ex earns, is the CSA worth a go?

I wish I could say something to help but I don't have any advice I'm sorry other than to say what an amazing mum you are - your ds is lucky to have you - I'm just sorry things are so hard for you. Can you not chase his useless dad for more money through the courts etc? I'm so sorry to hear you can't get more help for your boy. I hope someone can offer some useful advice to you x

No yanbu. Is there anyway the csa can do another assessment?

I don't know how much he earns. I've tried to google but I can't find it. I'm struggling as it is, if I go to the CSA and it's reduced I'll be screwed.

I'll try DLA again. I don't see why the state should pay for our child whilst he keeps having more of them though. He doesn't pay tax here.

Thank you

Hi :)

He absolutely should have told him about the new baby before it came, how horrible.

As for money, I expect that DS has become a bit less real to him as he hasn't been in his life for so long - I don't know if he can be made to pay more, but possibly encouraging (I know, harder than it sounds and not necessarily for the best) more contact would get him to see what is needed?

I'm not overly surprised that help with school transport hasn't been forthcoming. Any news on moving closer to school?

Hi Loopy

He wants ds to go and see him but there's no relationship there so it would be like sending ds to spend a week with a stranger. The last time he came over he only saw ds for an hour (he was here for 3 days) and he managed to upset him three minutes in (he told ds to 'fuck off'). Ds isn't interested in seeing him. He just turns up and expects us to drop everything.

I can't afford to move yet, I'm spending so much on getting him to school I'm not able to save, which is a PITA as it would be cheaper to get him to school if I moved. I'm hoping to get some work back from an agent so I can edit it, she has some publishers interested so we can move if all goes to plan.