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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to invite people to my birthday and expect them to pay for their drinks/meal?

32 replies

strawberriesandmelon · 17/03/2012 22:09

I confess I'm crap at organising parties, but my birthday is coming and I thought it'd be great to get a few friends together and have a few drinks or eat at a restaurant. Thing is I can't invite them all... would it be stingy to ask them to pay their part? How do other people usually do this (celebrating birthdays)?

OP posts:

SephoraRosebud · 17/03/2012 22:11

Not unreasonable at all. But make sure that people know it's pay for yourself before they accept invites.

HalfPastWine · 17/03/2012 22:11

If I invite friends to come and celebrate my birthday they wouldn't expect me to pay for them all, it would just be split equally as normal.

wadecollins · 17/03/2012 22:12

No, I don't think that's stingy. I've certainly been out to restaurants to celebrate people's birthdays where everyone has paid for herself.

TidyDancer · 17/03/2012 22:12

I think it's fine to ask them to pay for their own meal and drinks, as long as it's clear from the start. You can't invite people and then spring it on them at the table that this is the case, because some people do expect that when they are invited to a party, the host covers the costs.

FWIW, I would always go to these things prepared to pay, but I do think it's best to make sure everyone knows where they stand before the day.

DPrince · 17/03/2012 22:12

I was invited to one where we were expected to pay. Didn't bother me. However I wouldn't do it. If i wanted a get together for my birthday, I would pay.
If you do it, don't get offended if people decline. It may be your birthday but other people have other priorities. I only say this as the lady whose party attended got really annoyed some people didn't come, which is unfair.

Original poster

strawberriesandmelon · 17/03/2012 22:14

mm... well thank God that makes sense! Now my question is, how do I tell people without it sounding too bad?

OP posts:

TattyDevine · 17/03/2012 22:14

We do this, its quite common in my circle, its always somehow understood that each couple pays for themselves. To make it clear I guess you could say "I was thining of xxx restaurant, does that suit your tastes and budget?" or something along those lines.

SetFiretotheRain · 17/03/2012 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 17/03/2012 22:15

Just make it clear from the start. Pick a chinese buffet place or similar and say "shall i book this place, it is £xx per head, is that ok for everyone?"

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/03/2012 22:15

No that's fine as long as they know.
If you invite someone to your home, then you'd do the catering and they'd (hopefully) bring you a bottle of wine.
But if you say "It's my birthday, do you fancy a get together for a meal"? then offer to buy wine for the table, that would be nice.

(They might even club together to buy your meal)

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/03/2012 22:16

If you are going to ask them to pay for themselves just make sure you tell them when you invite them and not wait until the bill arrives.

Could you perhaps say that you are meeting for a few drinks (provided by you) at your house and then those who want to will be going on for something to eat later, everyone paying for themselves at that point.

molly3478 · 17/03/2012 22:16

I would of thought the done thing would of been everyone pay for themselves. I have never been to a birthday where it has been any other way. Its your birthday you definitely shouldnt be paying for everyone

eppa · 17/03/2012 22:16

If I get invited out to a meal my automatic assumption would be that I would pay for myself.

I'd only assume the birthday person was paying if they said they were or phrased the invite as "I'd like to take you out for my birthday/treat you etc"

If you wanted to compromise you could always pay for a few bottles of wine/fizz to be on the table and then after those are gone people pay for the rest of the drink and food themselves. Then you have been able to treat them to drinks but not had to pay for the whole thing which could be very expensive.

fatherchewylouis · 17/03/2012 22:17

Same here setfire.

I am a bit surprised by this thread. Have been do a gazillion birthday meals in restaurants over the years and everyone has always paid for themselves without fail.

ifancyashandy · 17/03/2012 22:17

I had a 'significant' birthday recently & invited people to come to a lovely restaurant. I made it clear that I couldn't afford to pay for everyone's meal but had organised a set menu (with choices) that was £35 a head. I accepted those who couldn't afford (and I would never have chosen somewhere so pricey had it not been a 'significant' birthday).

But what I did do was pay for all booze - 3 x glasses of champers on arrival and then a bottle per person on the tables (there was 30 of us). It was a lunchtime do (that went weeeeeellllll into evening!) and I paid for any additional bottles as required (but not pints / cocktails as I couldn't keep across them).

We were quite drunk by the end but everyone said it was one of the best birthday do's they'd gone to and not because there were no kids!

Original poster

strawberriesandmelon · 17/03/2012 22:17

I see... squeaky, having a fixed price menu seems ideal, that way I could tell people before hand. I'd also have to choose a place that's not too pricey, so that money's not an issue...

BTW have I told you guys you're awesome? :) Ta for listening!

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 17/03/2012 22:18

I would never expect anyone else to pay at a Restaurant, no matter what we were celebrating.

If you think some of the people you are going to invite might expect that then say something like - 'I'm going out for my birthday on x date and I'd love it if you could join me, I have chosen x because they do nice food and it fits with most peoples budget'.

nkf · 17/03/2012 22:19

A lot depends on price. Local friendly restaurant is one thing but expensive hotel another.

PatsysPyjamas · 17/03/2012 22:20

I suppose it depends what happens in your circle, but I've never been out and had another friend pay. We just don't do that. I would word it along the lines of 'I'm thinking of going to xx for my birthday, do you fancy it?' so it's clear you aren't hosting. I would be careful not to choose anywhere too expensive for my poorest guest though (that's usually me, so pretty easy!)

SydSaid · 17/03/2012 22:23

I'm invited to a birthday meal at a restaurant next week. Money hasn't been mentioned, but I am fully expecting to pay for my own meal.

I don't think you should worry, but if you are the set price would be an ideal way of making sure everyone knew they would be paying for themselves, and just let them know the set price at the time of invitation.

Original poster

strawberriesandmelon · 17/03/2012 22:23

Yes will do that... actually I've found a place just now on Google I really like and set menus start at £15. That seems reasonable for most budgets, doesn't it? Then like some of you suggested, I could pay for some wine.

OP posts:

PatsysPyjamas · 17/03/2012 22:25

Anywhere nice that does BYOB? That way you could look very generous but save a load of cash!

featherbag · 17/03/2012 22:29

In my 'circle' of friends, the norm is for the bill for a birthday restaurant meal to be split between the number in the party minus the birthday girl/boy. You don't pay for your own meal on your birthday, and you certainly wouldn't be expected to pay for everyone else's!

Laambkins · 17/03/2012 22:33

No way! You organise the doo, people who like you/ can be arsed turn up and everyone pays their way and has a git good time.

Enjoy your night out

rhondajean · 17/03/2012 23:10

We do what feather bag does, it works out a few quid extra each but not as you would notice, and th birthday person gets treated, then when we move on to the pub it's all in a kitty.

The rules also state the birthday person does not order champagne and lobster.

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