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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think the ex should sort his own mother out for mothers day

45 replies

workshy · 17/03/2012 20:43

in his family the grandchildren get their grand mother something for Mothers day -not something we have ever done in my family

he has text me tonight asking what I have done for his mother off the DCs?

why the frig should I be buying his mother something for mothers day -surely he should have arranged something?

I have grudingly agreed to get some flowers and take them and the dcs over tomorrow but it will have to be a rushed visit because we have plans suprisingly, it is mothers day after all

argh -he can bloody well pay me back though!

OP posts:

JustHecate · 17/03/2012 21:12

But it is worth the fight, don't you see?

Because it isn't about a bunch of flowers. It really isn't.

It's about controlling you, treating you like a skivvy. Dictating to you.

Today it's the flowers.

What was it yesterday?

Last week?

Last month?

What will it be tomorrow?

Next week?

Next year?

Don't you see?

Original poster

workshy · 17/03/2012 21:12

QuintessentialyHollow

muppet can be like silly billy yes

can also be like 'you muppet!' -as in idiot -but I didn't take offence

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 21:14

it is worth the fight, or you wouldn't have posted here

TOTU · 17/03/2012 21:14

I've been in this position, with an ex I was afraid of.

It took me a few years to get tough. Even now, I still post a card to his Mum in time for Mothers Day - a generic card written and signed by the children. No gifts, no visits.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied.

AgentZigzag · 17/03/2012 21:18

What was the turning point for you TOTU?

It must be especially shite for them to be your ex but to be trapped with them regardless.

ravenAK · 17/03/2012 21:30

We do 'card for grandma' thing here, too - I bought 4 cards yesterday (me to mum, dc to mum, dh to MIL, dc to MIL).

BUT I just picked up cards because I was shopping anyway & dh was on jury service - it's down to him to write 'his' cards/ring his mum & invite her round for tea or pop over to see her.

If we weren't together I suppose I might send a card to MIL from the dc if I were still on friendly terms with her, but I'd expect it to be down to him really; if he felt it appropriate for his children to send his mother a card he could just sort it along with the one he was getting her...

It's totally up to you whom you send flippin' cards to. Cards to his mum shouldn't even be your job if you were still married to him! Agree with everyone else - this is just about control & generally buggering you about.

TOTU · 17/03/2012 21:53

What was the turning point for you TOTU?

It must be especially shite for them to be your ex but to be trapped with them regardless

AgentZZ the turning point was 2 years after seperation realising that I will always have a link to his family because of our children, and I wanted to respect that but from a distance. His Mum and Dad are not to blame for the abuse their son put me through. However, it took me a while to put things on my terms and think - he CAN'T tell me what to do anymore.

He would ring me up saying he needed to talk, and if it wasn't relevant, I'd say "it's not my job to listen to you any more" and I'd end the call.

His Dad rings up asking to see the kids from time to time. We meet at a neutral point and things have settled down over the years.

Hard going. I feel for the OP, I really really do.

TOTU · 17/03/2012 21:58

I'm re-reading my posts and think it may appear I've contradicted myself. In my first I say, no visits. By that I mean I haven't entered my ex in-laws home since the split, and certainly would not do on Mothers Day.

Nor have they entered my home. I do allow access to the children when his father requests it though.

Sorry for the hijack OP.

Original poster

workshy · 17/03/2012 22:04

no worries

I remain civil -he lives with his parents so in his mind it's his mum looking after them when it's 'his' weekend so I should be grateful (I work the weekends he has them) and show my appreciation

he is the one who choses to go out with his friends when he has the DCs so she is babysitting for him, not me IMO

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 22:10

if that is the case, it is responsibility to get something for his mum on behalf of his own kids

the lazy twat

TOTU · 17/03/2012 22:13

workshy my ex lives with his parents too. When he didn't and he had his own rented house, he went back to bed on visitation days when I'd dropped them off!

You have no obligation to show appreciation apart from a card signed from the kids. As someone above said "detach, detach, detach".

Notice in my posts I say that it's my ex's Dad that requests to see the children, not my ex...

Angeleena · 17/03/2012 22:21

What you can do is get your DCs to make cards out of some crappy old tissue nice card and post it to her when you post your mother's mother's day card. This is for next year btw, in fact the DCs can make a few this weekend then you are all set up for the next few years. No stress and ex is off your back.

2rebecca · 17/03/2012 22:35

Agree with anyfucker. If he wants to get something for his mum from his kids then he buys it. I wouldn't take them round to see her because she isn't their mother she's their grandmother. It's mothers day, not grannie's birthday and they are with you I presume. His family traditions are no longer your problem.
I would have just laughed at him and told him she isn't your mother.
Did he get anything for you from the kids? I suspect not.

2rebecca · 17/03/2012 22:37

Why should she get a card from the kids though? Their father sees the kids, he can go to the shops too or make a card when he has the kids although it is bizarre he is more interested in getting the kids to get a card for his mother than their mother. Women don't have to run around after idle men doing all the card crap, especially when divorced.

Original poster

workshy · 17/03/2012 22:38

nope, or my birthday or christmas

I mark all events for him (with a £5 present) because I think it's important for the DCs to learn to give as well as recieve

DC1 asked me at Christmas why Daddy hadn't taken them to get me anything and I struggled to answer because as much as I would like to I will not tell DCs that Daddy is a twat

OP posts:

mrudagawa · 17/03/2012 22:49

If the OP doesn't follow her ex's instructions, he will tell his mother and family that that bitch deliberately prevented his dcs from celebrating his mother's mothers day. Whilst we know the request is ludicrous he can easily spin it another way and as she says, turn nasty on the children and on her. I agree with OP that it's a good idea to choose your battles. Having said that, if he's regularly manipulating and possibly upsetting the children then I'd want to be putting an arrangement in place whereby visits with him are tightly controlled.

Jux · 17/03/2012 22:55

Can you say "here's the card I got for you on behalf of the dcs. Shame your son can't be bothered."

Original poster

workshy · 17/03/2012 22:55

ooo so tempting but I think if I turn up she will work that one out anyway lol

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 17/03/2012 22:56

He should buy it as he's ur ex make him do the running! Its mothers day not grandmothers day

skybluepearl · 17/03/2012 23:03

Next time ask him what he plans to do for his mum from the kids? He should buy flowers for his mum from the grand kids. Stop pandering to him,

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