in thinking I might be being snubbed?

[rankedandfiled]

I became friends with a new circle of people during my maternity leave. We were all on mat leave together and hung out a lot over the summer. Obv, with everyone going back to work etc we see each other less. And as the newbie to the group I know and have no problem with the fact that the others are much closer, see each other more, etc.

We have a reg girl's night out. Last time round, everyone was talking about the plans they'd made for the half-term, they were all doing stuff together and the kind of stuff I'd normally have been included in. Girls' night out swings by again, and again it transpires that they are ALL going to something together with the kids over Easter, all except me.

I see a lot less of them these days and so you could say well, why don't you organise something? I have though - it's just a bit weird sitting with a group of friends and for the second time being the only one not included in kids' plans. So AIBU in thinking that for whatever reason they don't want to hang out with me anymore? But then why invite me to these sodding girl's nights out and have me sit there like a fucking lemon while they get all excited about all the great stuff they're going to do together??

what happens if you express an interest and invite yourself?

Have you asked about the plans you are not included in?

There could be any numbert of reasons you aren't included, not all of them a snub.

No I've no asked - it's embarrassing. If everyone is sat round talking about something they're going to and you haven't been asked - well, it's not like they can't be aware of it at that point, is it?

Occasionally, one of them, who is actually very lovely and straightforward, will say, 'oh you will come too won't you?' but no one else does. And on these particular occasions she hasn't either and I really don't feel like I can say, 'what about me?' as it would just sound a bit.. pathetic.

Am I right in thinking that they invite you to evening drinks things but not daytime things with the children? Could there be anything children-wise that could be an issue (do all the kids get on, do yours behave ok, that kind of thing).

Having said that, to me it just sounds like although you are an accepted member of the evening drinks crew, the daytime school holidays things is perhaps more of a "closer" family thing, perhaps they take husbands along that all know eachother or something?

I have friends that I would go out for drinks with but not necessarilly have family day out with. Perhaps you have become part of the group as a drinking buddy, but not a close friend.

If so, is that enough for you?

I would feel hurt too. I haven't got any advice I'm afraid but they don't sound very nice if they don't invite you and sit around discussing things that everyone except you is invited to.

That's just it, fatherchewy, we've spent so much time together in the day with the kids before now (literally hours and hours in the park in the summer) - it's only fairly recently that the evening drinks thing has become. And the kids all get on (my DS is v well-behaved). So something has changed but I don't know what exactly.

I don't mind if they don't want to hang out all the time - I've got enough friends - and the evening drinks thing is fun and it's nice to be without the kids - it's just the fact that the past 2 times I have been the only one not included. It's just not very nice.

sorry, meant 'it's only recently that the evening drinks thing has happened.'

Thanks Hexagonal. I just sat there last time thinking, er, am I missing something? It just seems really weird. And I don't feel like I can ask anyone as it's not an obvious snub (if it is one), so I'll just look like an arse.

Do they think you'll be at work or something?
It does sound a bit baffling

Oh ranked that is not nice, I have had similar, people planning to do things, right there, while I am with them and not asking if I would like to go. It is awful and I feel for you. Just to try and make you feel a bit better, on a couple of occasions, I have been told why, it is usually something like 'sorry could't invite you there is a problem they wanted to see me about'. I have also had it where I have invited friends out and they have said no and found out they went out anyway, I actually pulled friend up on this and asked what was going on whn I invited them, she told me that actually her MIL invited them out and that is who they were with. There may be other reasons behind it, they might not be thinking properly, mummies getting ready to go back to work are under huge pressure. The only advice I have is don't wait for an invite, if you hear plans being made, pipe up with a very bold - ooh yes me and dc would love that! good luck

Is there one person who normally does the organising? Could it just be that you were missed off the invite list? There is a mum in my mat leave friendship group that a number of the other mums are very friendly with, but who I have only met maybe 3 times and because she's not on Facebook she tends to get left out of invite lists when I arrange things because that's how I send out invites. I don't know her really and would be very happy for one of the mums who knows her better to text/call her to invite her along to nights out/days out etc, but I don't have her contact details so I don't invite her or really think about it much.

Could it be something simple like this? If there is one main 'social secretary' who arranges these sort of activities, if it's someone you don't know very well or who doesn't have a number/email address for you, you might end up getting missed out of invites for no sinister reason at all. Just ask one of the mums that you know better/like most and see what they say.

Both times it's been stuff arranged during the holidays, and they know that I usually take the time off, so nope.

I've been racking my brains trying to work it out. A few months ago, one of their kids hit my DS a a party (unprovoked, DS is not aggressive at all). Pretty unpleasant and I cooled it off a bit for a few weeks (i.e. not doing anything with said kid, just as I knew he was going through a phase and seemed to be taking it out on DS). But they are fine with each other now, been on play dates since, and the little lad in question has got over that phase and is back to being his sweet self.

But I didn't say anything to the mother or criticise her or anything, and she's never said anything to me. But thinking about it, her DH has been quite cool with me since - but I just thought he was busy, stressed etc.

Maybe it's that? But DS didn't do anything, so why would we/I be getting the blame? (And seriously, I'm not being all pfb about DS - he's just one of those very quiet, 'good' boys, never gets into trouble at school, not aggressive etc.)

See - this is just shit because now I'm trying to work out what I've done wrong and if I have, why wouldn't they just say??

PS It's very possible that the others don't even realise that you haven't been asked/invited. I never check the invite lists when I get an email or Facebook message and just last week there was an invite that missed 2 people off - the organiser did realise later and add them, but if there are big groups of people who have quite loose friendships it is hard to make sure everyone is included every time.

Sorry to go on, but also have you considered/checked whether everyone in the group is invited to the nights out? If they invite you on nights out, I can't imagine that they are being purposely horrible and excluding you from daytime activities.

Thanks calamity and emsyj - I'll just have to ask them next time. I'm getting myself in a right old state about it so yes, it'll be better to just speak up. I had/have a very passive aggressive mother, and so find it really hard to distinguish between people being genuinely thoughtless and people being passive aggressive!

Well it sounds odd then, in that if they wanted to ditch you they could just not invite you to evening drinks, and yet they do.

Ditto the maybe they think you can't go for some reason?

Honestly this sort of thing keeps me awake at night because people post this stuff quite often and it makes me really paranoid that it's me doing it!!! I often organise nights out and things with other mums and I have actually resorted to counting how many people 'should' be on the invite list and checking the numbers when I send an invite out now just to make sure I don't forget anyone.

I sent an invite out a couple of months ago that missed out one person who I like more than most of the others and who I have been for nights out with just the two of us - so it may just be one of those things that you've been totally unwittingly forgotten. It is totally possible to forget about inviting someone you really really like, I have done it myself!!!

Oh love, it is hard to find the right tone between genuinly curious as to why this has happened twice and sounding a bit desperate and whiny. I am sure it is all fine and like emsyj says there could be a genuine misunderstanding. You need to find the confidance and right words to ask how are these being organised because you had not heard about that day/trip. I am sure it will be fine.

Cheers both, I know these things happen and am sure I've done it unwittingly myself, it's just the two times in a row that got me! But yes, I need to find a way to ask without sounding like an unpopular 12 year-old. Will ignore for now and if it happens again might just say, oh that sounds good, I didn't know that had been organised.. and see what the reaction is.

Is there one in the group (the one you mentioned usually invites you) who you could maybe have a word with?

bloodymofo I think the point is that they are arranging these things and no one seems to be thinking to invite her, at the point where they all know and are discussing it, it is really embarrasing to feel like the spare wheel not knowing if it is an oversight, or they don't want you there, and not wanting to know the answer.

Ranked... Thank you for starting ths thread, I'm in exactly the same position ie being invited to evening things but not day things with my dc.

I'm foxed as to why... Hey, do you fancy meeting next week in the park with our dc?

How did you respond when the nice friend said "you should come along" that time? I'm wondering whether, in your embarrasment about the situation, you sounded dismissive and disinterested and so they didn't invite you next time as you didn't seem at all interested in joining them?

Thoughrs based on bloodymofo's question...

Fatherchewy - when she said that I said I'd love to come, and indeed went along. So no, she didn't get a knock-back.

Bloodymofo - I've not been there when they've arranged these things, no - tbh I'm not sure what your point is. By the time I find out, the event has all been arranged, they've clearly been planning it for a while, tickets bought and it's too late for me to chip in and go along (or at least in the last case). I do express an interest in going to things when I know about them, or when I've been invited. And I also initiate stuff and invite them, so it's not like I'm acting like I couldn't care less.

Hippy - the park it is then