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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to hear what he has to say, and to be missing him terribly today

18 replies

Charliefarlie1192 · 17/03/2012 16:26

I split with dp recently and a few weeks later he beat me up (there have been threads about this so wont bore you with details)

Today he has contacted me and I answered the phone as it was an unknown number and I didnt realise it would be him (how has he got my new number?)

The thing is, I feel so so sad now - he has been begging me to meet him and talk face to face about several things, I have obviously refused and told him I never want to see his face again. I hate what he has done to me, and the way it has affected mine and ds's life (now homeless, ds in new school, new town and had to leave my job) but part of me just want to curl up and feel his arms around me, he wasnt always bad and even when that behaviour began, he could be lovely at times. What the bloody hell is wrong with me, why am I missing such a monster?

OP posts:
badmammy · 17/03/2012 16:34

He beat you up?

It is hard when you miss someone - but you really truly are better off without him. Because you aren't really missing "him" you are missing what you hoped he was. And he has shown you that he is not that person. It will get better - stay strong.

AgentZigzag · 17/03/2012 16:39

It's not unreasonable to want the pain you're in to go away and to feel loved and respected by someone.

But you know that's not him.

Don't give him another chance to prove he's not the man for you, time to move your head onto knowing he's not the person you deserve.

noinspiration · 17/03/2012 16:39

Stay strong, beating up a woman is a cowardly evil thing to do, and you must not let him sweet talk his way back into your life. You aren't missing him, you are missing affection, and he won't provide that. You must move on, for your and your ds's safety.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 17/03/2012 16:54

Thanks, I know its not the real him that I miss, its who I thought he was. I feel so cross with myself for feeling like this today, but I havent really felt anything much since it all happened

OP posts:
YoozaName · 17/03/2012 17:25

I don't think you should feel cross with yourself for how you feel today. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's a bit like grieving I suppose. You're grieving for the man you thought he was but who he can never be. And it's perfectly reasonable and normal to be grieving in that way.
You do need to stay strong and not go back there, but the 'moving on' may take time. You need to get him out of your system, and just like if you were grieving for someone who had died, it will take time, but you'll get there.
Good luck.

CalamityKate · 17/03/2012 18:14

Having read your previous threads about this "person" (your description of him as a monster is far more accurate IMO) I'd say that you aren't unreasonable to feel the way you do; you can't help how you feel after all.

You would however be totally unreasonable, not to mention irresponsible, to ever let him back into your and your DC's lives.

You'll get there in the end.

troisgarcons · 17/03/2012 18:20

You are in mourning for a dead relationship. It's natural to look back and have good memories as well as bad.

I'd be more worried who is feeding him information though - ie your phone number - because they might just feed him more salient information, like where you are now in hiding.... because he's doing a good job of turning your head - let alone that of someone who doesnt know exactly what he's done to you

LeQueen · 17/03/2012 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoudiniHissy · 17/03/2012 18:36

i agree with trois. You are grieving the loss of hope for the one day he would wake up and not be a monster. Now you know that day will never come.

Oh his nicey-nicey is designed to reel you back in and once there, situation would continue as it did do, but escalate quickly, and it would be harder to get out. You know all this. You don't need me to tell you that.

Who knows your new number? Seriously, you have someone in your trusted circle that has a vested interest in you being with this monster...

Who have you given the number to?

lollilou · 17/03/2012 18:42

As all the other posters have said you are grieving for what you had. My ex was mentally abusive and I had to move hundreds of miles away( back to my family and friends) because I could not let go of the relationship and would've kept going back to him if I had stayed. Stay strong for yourself and your boy these feelings are normal and will pass.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 17/03/2012 20:09

hardly anybody has got my new number, but a good friend of mine works with him, I am guessing he has gone through his phone for my number because I really think/hope he would not betray me like that knowing how terrified I am.

He already knows where I am hiding, but I assume that is because he has been here and seen my car, as he knows there are only 2 other places I could go that are out of town...I can only hope he wont hunt me down here, although he has threatened me today that he is going to turn up at the door.

Its my first night alone in the place I am staying tonight...tempted to ask if nights out can be cancelled.....petrified. Strange to feel frightened of someone I love/loved so much

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 17/03/2012 20:25

although he has threatened me today that he is going to turn up at the door.

have you been to the police?

BagofHolly · 17/03/2012 20:28

I am frightened for you and for your boy.

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 17/03/2012 20:37

no, should I ring them? The address is flagged as urgent if police are called

OP posts:
er1507 · 17/03/2012 20:51

I really feel your pain. Please don't be cross with yourself, there is a grieving process that comes with a break up. I split from my dp 3 months ago after 5yrs. he was never violent with me but drugs were involved and no matter how many times I would say that's it, I always went back. This time it really is it. I have realised that he will never be the person I want him to be and even of he did change it wouldn't be long before things would go back as I hold to much resentment. You would prob be the same. I know it's cliched but time really is a healer. you have you ds to think about too.

Get someone to stay with you tonight. Even of he doesnt show up it will be good for you to have the company.

CalamityKate · 17/03/2012 20:53

Did the Police catch him that time they were looking for him after he beat you up?

Original poster
Charliefarlie1192 · 17/03/2012 21:00

yep, and released him without charge. I complained and they are going to re-arrest him, and this time hopefully charge him (this was meant to be done by now)

OP posts:
olgaga · 17/03/2012 21:03

I'd be more worried about how he got your number. Ring the police. It's not safe, don't fall for his pleading.

You need to protect yourself for the sake of your son. You have already been through too much.

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