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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stupid and trivial but bugging me....just one way or the other

36 replies

MyLittleMiracle · 16/03/2012 21:27

Years ago a boyfriend at the time told me one thing that has stuck with me, and i dreamt of him last night (nothing filthy)

He said that i "would always allow myself to love too deeply, and suffer for it"

I keep wondering now if this was a compliment or a criticism. Either way he was right. Cheers Ad! Just wanted to know what other people think or am i over thinking about this/him?

OP posts:

JustHecate · 17/03/2012 08:25

Oh yes, usual, so very deep - and oh so earnest.

mynewpassion · 17/03/2012 08:44

There is a thought that to have known love, you must love with your whole being. My mother was not in that romantic mind set. She believed in holding a tiny part of yourself back for protection. Its a cynical view but she would say its a practical view. So if you do get hurt, you have a small cushion to fall back. You will be hurt less because he never really got to the core of you to destroy you. You also have something to build upon. This equals to marrying someone who loves you more than you love him.

Its good in theory but hard to put in practice.

Yama · 17/03/2012 08:50

I think you could say that line to anyone. We all love too deeply don't we?

I distrust anyone who tells someone else how they think though.

Also, the 'and suffer for it' bit sounds sinister. I don't like Ad.

pictish · 17/03/2012 09:28

No neither do I.

Original poster

MyLittleMiracle · 17/03/2012 10:00

I did suffer for it though, but not at his hands. Maybe i am lonely, and maybe its cos when things were bad, and they have been recently he was always there to pick up the peices, And i miss that.

It doesnt sound like a compliment, it sounds like a criticism to me, and at the time i felt buffled, and he probably did copy it from somewhere!

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 17/03/2012 10:04

In my opinion comments like this actually mean "you love me more than I love you; that makes me feel bad so I'll make it mean that you love too much".

Honestly, I think you have imbued this throw away comment with too much meaning and perhaps are subsequently analysing things and making it true. Nearly everyone gets their heart broken at some point. It does not mean you gave too much or loved too deeply, it just means you were ultimately mismatched.

JustHecate · 17/03/2012 10:12

You know, when things are shit in my life, I start thinking about when I was a kid and how it wasn't really that bad really, and about all the things I'd do differently if I could do it all over again. It's more a longing to go back to a time that was easier, when I didn't have so many responsibilities, when someone else had to keep a roof over my head, when I didn't have children who relied on me, even though I feel like I'm drowning...

Could this be the same sort of thing?

When I was 15 and had no real problems, and life was simple and someone else had the responsibility of taking care of me...

carabos · 17/03/2012 10:13

There's all sorts of crap associated with being nearly 50 grown up, but thank god that the deep and meaningful stuff we talked about non-stop were interested in when we were 15 is no longer part of it. And nor do we moon about thinking that we're in a relationship with someone who "knows us inside out".

Thistledew · 17/03/2012 10:26

It sounds like something that would be said by a man who wants to tell you that he knows your feelings better than you do, and that you are/were something of a silly little girl who wasn't properly in control of or aware of her emotions, and needed a wise man like him to tell her what she should be feeling .

Please learn to treat men spouting such nonsense with a large degree of scepticism. There is no such thing as "loving too much". You love, as you love. The only valid point you may wish to consider is whether you get swept up in the idea of being in love and prioritise this over any more cautious feelings you have, or any 'head' reasons there might be that tell you not to be so swept up in the romance of the situation.

MamaChoo · 17/03/2012 10:49

but he KNEW me inside out, everything there was to know, stuff i have never told anyone else, and wont ever......

A. Really, its dead easy to know everything about a 15 year old because 1. They are 15! Its not a lot of history and 2. 15 year old girls are really into telling everything to their boyfriends, Best friends, 600 strangers on FB.

B if there is stuff you have never told anyone and it would be a problem, eg more serious than 'I totally heart Westlife' you may want to consider confiding in your husband or a counsellor, to avoid potential issues in the future. A 15 year old boy rarely gives the best advice, especially a pretentious one.

Original poster

MyLittleMiracle · 17/03/2012 18:21

He was the first person i told about my dad and how he died of cancer and how old i was. He also knows about something that happened to me, which still no one else knows that one thing and to my knowledge he has never shared it with anyone. In my teenage years there was no FB, thank god, and we didnt even have internet!

He never did give me advice , just held me. let me cry and made me feel safe. Looking back though he did think quite a lot of himself, but then again he had reason to, and i always thought he was WAAAAYYYY out of my league!

OP posts:

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