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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to detest competitive parenting at the school gate.

26 replies

noseynoonoo · 16/03/2012 14:37

I am quite early on in the school gate journey. I am really trying to get on with other mums but I am being driven to destraction by the constant bragging about their little darlings' very average abilities exceptional achievements. Is there any end to it?Tonight there is a mums night out and I was going to go because I reasoned that I have to get on with these women but frankly I think I might scream if I go and spend an evening listening to stories of these geniuses.
AIBU to want to tell these woman how average their children are.

OP posts:

auntmargaret · 16/03/2012 14:40

Go for it. Wait til they're on their 3rd or 4th drink though, and come back later to tell us how it went :)

bigpigeon · 16/03/2012 14:41

No. You are right. It is boring and they are only pandering to their own insecurites. Think of a few topics away from children and have a few open questions up your sleeve to divert the conversation. I hate it too but am getting pretty good at changing the subject. I think once one starts they all have to chip in. (I am on a mums night out too tonight. Where are you, if you are going out with my bunch we can talk to each other!!)

Original poster

noseynoonoo · 16/03/2012 15:50

Auntiemargaret that sounds like it could be fun. How I wish someone normal like you could be there.

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 16/03/2012 15:59

Feckers. Being all proud of their own children.

Absolutes bastards

Hang them

cakewench · 16/03/2012 16:03

Go out with them. It could very well be a different story when you're out for an evening. If it isn't, well, no harm done- no need to go out with them again.

It's quite possible that the reason the conversation is all about children is because, well, you're at the school gates and so the topic of children and/or schooling is something you would all have in common. Get to know them better, and that might change.

Or it might not. Worth a shot, though.

ExitPursuedByABear · 16/03/2012 16:04

I have a lunch date next week with the Queens of Competitive Parenting. Our DDs are now 12 and have been at school together since Reception. I can cope with them individually as I can gently take the piss, but en masse it does my head in.

auntmargaret · 16/03/2012 16:15

Can you go to suss it out but leave early if they start banging on about their fabulous children? Is is it like a meal, where you'd be stuck and can't leave? It's great to have friends and allies with other parents at school, but not a major problem if you don't. Personally, I couldn't bear an evening of people talking only about their kids, especially those who analyse being a parent in huge detail. I'd come home and kick the cat! Or I'd drink too much wine and tell them what I really think, but that's why I'd never go on a mum's night out. Good luck if you do go.

jinsei · 16/03/2012 16:23

There's none of this at dd's school. She is in a very high achieving class and it simply isn't the done thing to boast. Also not worth it, as everyone else would have something equally impressive to boast about.

IMO, when parents are genuinely secure in the knowledge that their kids are doing really well, there is little need to boast or compete with other parents.

JosieZ · 16/03/2012 16:35

IMO, when parents are genuinely secure in the knowledge that their kids are doing really well, there is little need to boast or compete with other parents.

Oh, you mean the smug ones.

Everyone thinks their own is a special in some way.

I was prob as bad as the next one.

However, had a meet up recently with other mum's from then, 25 years on.

All the kids at primary school with my DCs have done well - none in prison, drug addicts, on the streets.

All that competing for nothing.

BupcakesandCunting · 16/03/2012 16:36

YANBU

There is one mum at my school and she does my frigging swede in going on about her daughter who is apparently the next Bamber Gascoigne in child form. Was having general chit chat with a couple of other mums the other day about our reception age DCs, talking about how they're doing with writing. Most of us were "Oh yes Johnny can write his name" or "Little Graham wrote cat the other day" then Boasty Pants pipes up "Well all little Thomasina has got to conecntrate on this term is her punctuation." There were lots of faces. Sounds mean but it's EVERY pick-up time. It's starting to grate.

MixedClassBaby · 16/03/2012 16:41

A school gate mum's night out sounds like my idea of hell.

SingingSands · 16/03/2012 16:43

I've been on several mums nights out. I was worried like you before the first one, but we didn't talk about our kids at all! It was great, ended up with us all getting terribly drunk and jumping in a taxi to head to a nightclub in town!

DH refers to us know as "the party mums"

But seriously, it was a great way of meeting new people, and I've made some very nice friends since DD started school.

exoticfruits · 16/03/2012 16:48

They will improve later on when their DCs let them down as being average! Or their DC won't let them brag. Either way it stops in a couple of years time. Just ignore and change the subject. Don't go out if you don't want to.

Chandon · 16/03/2012 16:52

and some of them may well be geniuses after all, you will also have to live with that.

Did I tell you that DS2 teacher actually used the word "genius" when describing him? PM me if you want to know all about it!

Original poster

noseynoonoo · 16/03/2012 16:55

This isnt the first evening out. The conversations are usually about the 'genius' children who dont actually seem exceptional in the slightest. I would have so much more tolerance for it if they boasted about their childs effort e.g. my DD is the least good swimmer in her after school club but she puts in a huge effort. The conversation will finally come to end when one particular woman finally stops bragging about her daughter and starts bragging about herself until we go home.

I think I'll give it a miss tonight.

OP posts:

PattiMayor · 16/03/2012 16:59

There is a difference between pride and bragging catgirl. Let's face it, none of us are particularly interested in one another's children's achievements. Why talk about it?

MerylStrop · 16/03/2012 17:03

Well I'm going to be smug and say that when I go out with the school gate mums we barely mention the children and get hammered have a delightful time.

Are you sure they are all boring as hell and deluded to boot?

Or is it just the trying to find common ground with people you barely know?

cakewench · 16/03/2012 18:41

oh if you've already been out with them and it's always this way then I'd say give it a miss, as well. Ignore my previous advice. :)

I generally try to accept invitations, the first time anyway, as I've been pleasantly surprised before. If it's dull every time, then there's no reason to keep trying.

FilterCoffee · 16/03/2012 19:38

If people are discussing what their children are doing, then why shouldn't people mention their child's recent work whatever stage they are at? Just because someone mentions their child is on workbook 4 when the average is workbook 3, it doesn't mean they are boasting. It just means you were all talking about workbooks!

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2012 19:42

I just can't understand these threads.

There seems to be more school gate martyrs than school gate gossips now.

OP, you don't have to get on with these people, other than the odd nod and smile (if you so wish) and you certainly don't have to be going out socialising with them if they annoy you.

All you have in common with these people is that for a tiny portion of your lives, you've chosen to send your kids to the same school.

CroissantNeuf · 16/03/2012 19:45

I think I must belong to one of the smug lucky groups as, like MerylStrop said, the children are rarely spoken about.

The last big night out was for a birthday -there were about 12 mums and the conversation was varied and, at times, absolutely hilarious.

mydogisinsane · 16/03/2012 19:52

Avoid the "Mums night out". Unless you can drink a severe amount of wine, it will be unbearable.

(I am really jealous of the Mums here who don't have to put up with this shit!)

Original poster

noseynoonoo · 17/03/2012 17:00

Filtercoffee, the thing is that they are not saying that there child is on workbook 4 whilst the average is on workbook 3. What they are saying is effectively, "My darling, who hasn't had to practice at all, is on workbook 2 or 3, isn't that extraordinarily amazing and aren't you all impressed, because I am just blown away by little darling's talents".

I bumped into a mum this afternoon. Only 6 mums turned up. I suspect I am not the only one who has had enough of it.

OP posts:

FilterCoffee · 18/03/2012 16:51

"My darling, who hasn't had to practice at all, is on workbook 2 or 3, isn't that extraordinarily amazing and aren't you all impressed, because I am just blown away by little darling's talents".

Are you sure that's what they were "effectively saying"? Or did you just decide to interpret it that way? So, someone else's child is on workbook X without practising and they mention this, during a conversation when others have mentioned what workbook their child is on. So what? They might just be making conversation and competition might only be in your mind, not theirs.

BananasInBloomers · 18/03/2012 17:03

You get people like that in all walks of life. FWIW the school gate nights out can be lots of fun.

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