To wonder if domestic violence is seen as more acceptable than it was a few years ago...

[rosycheeksmum]

There are a few things that have got me wondering this.

Firstly, the whole Chris Brown thing. I was really disturbed at the Twitter trend that emerged after his appearance at I think, the Grammies, girls saying basically that he could beat them up any time.

Secondly, Natalie Cassidy's appearance on This Morning, excusing and downplaying her own domestic abuse situation.

Thirdly, I have just finished a book called Fifty Shades of Grey, which I was intrigued to read after seeing that it had gone to the top of the New York Times bestseller list and was marketed as a book that will 'make you want to have sex with your husband'! After having a baby recently that sounded good so I downloaded it on my Kindle - apparently all the NY housewives are raving about it.

It's basically the story of a completely abusive relationship! The main character is into bondage and sadism and treats his girlfriend worse than a dog, she's required to kneel submissively and not look at him, sign a contract agreeing that she is his to 'fuck when he likes', he turns up wherever she is when she tries to have a life of her own, punishes her when he feels like it by spanking her so hard she is left with marks....not erotica for me but domestic violence dressed up to look sexy.

Since when was all of this ok? Is DV now acceptable again, as long as it's dressed up in a certain way or carried out by someone famous? I find it all very depressing!

I don't think DV is any more acceptable, but at least it is not such a taboo subject as it was. It's slowly becoming recognised as not just a 'Working class' problem.

Basically, IMO DV is now 'enjoying' the status that Depression gained a few years ago, in that it was not the unmentionable stigma it was. That can't be a bad thing, although in these sad incidents irresponsible reporters and shitty daytime/early afternoon tv shows desperate to fill the on-air minutes will talk to anyone about any supposed 'struggle' these f-listers have 'lived through'.

The subject needs to be in the public domain. I agree though that glorification/acceptance of it needs to be thoroughly combatted. I don't approve of Rhianna, I loathe Chris Brown. That David Haye boxer with his I'm gonna rape comment too. Natalie Cassidy is a fool and as a person in the public eye sets an extremely poor example to young people. Clear to see that she has self esteem issues here, but she is an actress, she needn't be interviewed for her views on x, y or z. As is clear to see her opinion on such matters are dangerous and irrelevant.

I am SICK of the whole DailyMailisation of society, the need to publish any old spiel that slebs want to get out there to get their name in the paper, DVD/book/whatever.

I agree that MN and the I believe campaign is a great exercise, I'd like to see similar for DV. Our children have to know it's wrong, and that it will not be tolerated.

Great post houdini.

I think it is definitely something that has lost its stigma, and is more in the public domain.

Maybe what I'm trying to say is that of late it's an issue that has been 'sexed up' somewhat in popular culture.

This Rihanna song about DV for example, the video makes it look sexy and passionate rather than humiliating and painful.

The 'erotic' book I mentioned earlier. The acceptance of Chris Brown - though I guess that's been happening for years, with men like Gazza. God, I mean George Best even had an airport named after him! Roman Polanski too, though he's a sex offender rather than a perpetrator of DV. Society seems to think if you're a man and you have a talent of some kind ie football, film directing, you can be forgiven for hurting women.

I think the message is out there that DV happens and there is help available and its nothing to be ashamed of. It's the fact that it's appearing in popular culture as something that is potentially acceptable that concerns me.

YABU. If you're using trashy fiction as your bellwether for public sentiment on domestic violence why not use the bestselling Stieg Larsson trilogy? 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' was originally titled 'Men Who Hate Women'... and features a central character that has been abused but subsequently turns the tables.

My ds is violent towards me his own mum

I have no doubt he's been influenced by his own sf violence towards me.

I am ashamed that my own son is violent towards me. He is only twelve and is so like my ex its frightening.

I don't think DV is becoming more acceptable at all at least I hope its not.

I'm really sorry to hear that sheep. Unfortunately I think DCs violence towards parents and especially mothers is a big hidden problem.

I think you're really not seeing a lot in your argument.

You're missing the counter-outrage of a lot of musicians at Chris Brown's award, several of them going public on Twitter with their shock at awarding him anything, and the abhorrence at what he did. His own peers disowned him. There will always be people that don't care about the bad things a person has done but I doubt very much that Chris Brown will ever escape the shadow of what he did to Rihanna.

As has been said, BDSM in a consensual relationship is a world away from DV. To have it discussed in the same conversation saddens me because as much as it's not my thing, I can recognise it is a sexuality that shouldn't be stigmatised with ill-informed, ignorant connections to DV. I won't be reading the book - sounds like trite, dull crap - but I have read the Story of O and it explores similar themes. Some people like to be dominated, they get off on pretend scenarios of dominance, beatings etc. It's a sexuality that practices intense safety and respect.

I don't think it's any worse or better to be honest - I think you're woefully missing any connection to the past and DV's part in popular culture. In the sixties (or fifties?) the Crystals sang "He hit me and it felt like a kiss" - how's that for glamorising a beating from your loved one??

I go to a support group locally for parents who have violent children and there are many of us there dads too who have been attacked, abused, gas lighted, been stolen from, most of us don't like to admit that our children are abusive and it feels awful. Your own child.

At least with a partner you do have an option of walking away even if it takes many years but you can't do that with your child.

Ds violence will get worse, he's already shoved me over and punched me

Actually I think the OP has a point. I think it is becoming more mainstream in popular culture.

Lyrics of pop songs, especially raps (sung by men and women) - have become more and more debasing towards women. Female artists in music videos are frequently dressed in bondage gear - chains etc..

I don't think you can compare Fifty Shades of Grey to domestic violence. I haven't read it, but if it's about bondage/domination etc, that really isn't DV. My partner and I are really into dominant/submissive sex and I like spanking, being tied to the bed, having him talk very dirty to me etc... gags, whips, blindfolds blah blah blah. I can say this on here as it's anonymous, although would never admit it in real life even to my closest friends because I know how it might be perceived. In actual fact though, my boyfriend is the sweetest, loveliest and kindest man, and would never hit a woman outside of the sexual situation we have (that I initiated originally, he never suggested it). So I'm just asking you to please, please not conflate the two. I know from the outside BDSM sounds horrible, but from the inside it's just something that turns some people on a lot but can be part of a very loving relationship on equal terms.
YANBU to think the Natalie Cassidy situation was weird, and horrible.

I am sorry if my post is really rude and/or offensive... just re-read it and it does sound a bit inappropriate but I thought since the OP brought up BDSM originally it would be OK to post.

i dont think it is seen as more acceptable,. it is in main stream media more making it more widely discussed - good thing.

BDSM sexuality is consensual and should not be confused with this issue

there is a prevailance of mysoginism in teh media, esp in rap songs and it gets on my nerves

If you've read any Martina Cole novels (fiction) then you'd think that there was a lot less tolerance towards DV these days than there used to be. Although her books are ficticious, she says a lot of the situations she writes about were prevalent in her own childhood and the police wrote it all off as a 'domestic' and did very little to help.

It's not considered normal behaviour to attack a woman. Most men are adamant they'd never hit a woman or a child and if anyone admitted to having done so they'd be vilified.

I'd like to see an increase in awareness of women attacking men.

I'd also be interested in reading a debate about children attacking their parent(s), although I could not contribute. The first thing I'd ask is whether the father figure is missing, or the father was abusive to the mother in front of the child.

This is a very sensitive topic and I mean no harm. I wonder if the culture among young women who join gangs and subsequently seem to experience violence and abuse from the male peers as a norm, coupled with the whole daily mail "ladette" thing doesn't help. Women can be portrayed by the media (think all those binge drinking docos) as hard thugs, far more than I have noticed before. And obviously Natalie Cassidy sent us all back 25 years, cheers for that Nat.

BDSM and DV are completely different things. Worth noting that BDSM isn't all about men dominating women either, men can be the 'sub'.

DV is LESS acceptable now, helped by the fact that it is more acceptable to talk about it. It is vitally important for DV to be an openly discussed topic. Allow survivors to come forward and get help. It isn't just women who are victims, men can be victims too.