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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The culture of competitive "I have it so hard"....

34 replies

onelittlefish · 15/03/2012 18:19

I have just been looking at the WOHM vs SAHM thread. I have also been talking to friends about what they do. It seems as though everyone has it so hard nowadays. In fact, it is not so much that everyone has it so hard - it is that everyone competes for the I have it so much harder than you accolade.

I am bowing out of the competition - I am lazy. My DH takes the children until 8 every morning and I give them to him at 5:30 every evening for their tea - we put them to bed together at 7.

OP posts:

HettyKett · 15/03/2012 18:23

I'll drink to that!

BlackBagFaithfulBorderBinLiner · 15/03/2012 18:28

When life was at it's hardest, I actually did n't do any complaining. It felt that if I cracked that would be it, the whole lot would come tumbling down.

Now life is easier, I can rant about the school/ supermarket / stupid woman accross the road....

i'm still waiting for various medals.

Convict224 · 15/03/2012 18:38

Yup, when I look back on the tough times I wonder how I got through them. Now life is so much easier, kids grown and independant, and I stress out that the hairdresser puts too much milk in my tea.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2012 18:39

DH does more housework than me and puts DD to bed every night. I had Saturday 'off' last week and I'm having Saturday 'off' this week.

Original poster

onelittlefish · 15/03/2012 18:48

MrsTP - long may it continue (free Saturdays that is). Must go and do children's baths.

OP posts:

lostboysfallin · 15/03/2012 18:51

that thread is doing my head in
why the hell can't everyone accept that all households are different.
And some things are harder or not as enjoyable for some.

marriedinwhite · 15/03/2012 18:51

Mine are teenagers. Life is soooo much easier. Soooo much easier to exist once you can go to the toilet alone . Hoping that DS will be driving by the summer too and will be able to run errands and drive me to midweek suppers with friends!

Kayano · 15/03/2012 18:51

I had a colleague at
Work who was like this. It was so bad

If I said I was tired, it was 'you're tired?! I have two kids!'

If I said I had to do ironing... It was 'imagine how much ironing you'd have if you had TWO kids like me!'

Eventually I started to sarcastically say stuff like 'my washing machine is broken, but I can't imagine how hard that would be with TWO kids!!!'

She didn't seem to realise

The very worse instance of it was 'oh crap! I've stubbed my toe!'
And she replied that she was in te kitchen last night with her TWO kids and one child nearly cut off her toe with a knife..

really? Do fuck off with your TWO kids! Lol

Molehillmountain · 15/03/2012 18:51

I agree with the idea that the harder it is the less I stress.

pictish · 15/03/2012 18:55

God yes - very tiresome.
I think some people aren't comfortable with themselves unless they feel hard done by.

Pagwatch · 15/03/2012 19:03

Oh c'mon. You have to have it hard or you don't get to deliver snarky 'well it's alright for you' lines. Plus when you win the prize of being the mother who works hardest, who spends every waking moment in a frenzy of selfless activity, then you get a prize.

Actually you don't. You just get to feel better than everyone else. well done. I will just sit here sipping wine feeling really really bad about my failings. Then I will go shopping and feel bad about that too. Well, after lunch I will. I won't. I have a fucking fantastic life

That thread is made up of insufferable martyrs.
And normally rational people 'retaliation' posting.....

'i like being a sahm. I find it tiring being with a fractious toddler all day'

'well it's alright for you. I come home knackered and then have to do the housework and deal with my fractious toddler. You get to rest in the evening'

'rest! Oh you think so. Then I am preparing supper and getting the house cleared up after my dc have trashed it all day. You dump your dc first thing and bring them home to a tidy house because no one has been there..'

' dump my child! Just because you live off your dh doesn't mean you are better than me.....'

[sigh]

bigkidsdidit · 15/03/2012 19:07

I know! I went on that thread to say I don't work hard at all but all the 'fingers to the bone' Posters ignored me :)

I work full time, DH does 50% of housework and childcare, I have a fabulous interesting job but which involves sitting on my arse all day and I have a long bath wih a glass of wine and a book every night :)

I don't understand competitive misery at all

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2012 19:07

Maybe people need to spend some time on the other boards. When I was struggling with BFing DD, I looked for help on the BF/FF boards. I got loads of advice and help but I also got a dose of reality. Feeding DD was hard but hundreds thousands of people had it much harder. I don't need to compete with them, I wish it was easier for all of us.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 15/03/2012 19:10

I hate competitiveness in most areas of life. Unless I was running a race, and won, of course.

Everyone will at some point experience hardship of one kind or another, but instead of finding people supportive, they're trying to "top trumps" you with something of their own. I have a friend like this and it annoys me a little. Dh had to begin working away last September, all week every week in London, but you know what - it's a job! Yes, I'm on my own again in the week, but hey we still have our home, a decent car to drive, we're not scrimping every penny, so yes I'll admit I'm not happy about it but it's what must be done right now. Friend - Ooooh it's so hard with dh working shifts, it's worse for me as at least you know your dh is away every night, I'm never sure when mine's going to be home to plan to go out and do something. Argh!

Glittertwins · 15/03/2012 19:46

I didn't bother to post on the thread, just lurked whilst at work. On the opposite note, I often get the enforced patronising "it must be so hard for you..." er no, I just get on with things. I can't be doing with the competitive misery often found on multiples boards too.

catgirl1976 · 15/03/2012 19:48

I would post but I am too busy doing everything much better and harder than anyon else on the planet so I am too tired and busy

ramblingmum · 15/03/2012 19:55

When I find myself sinking into I have it so hard a few minuets lurking on the special needs board brings me up quick. I realy have nothing to complain about

Anonymumous · 15/03/2012 20:55

Anyone heard of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch? Maybe Monty Python should remake it with a few MNers instead of grumpy old men!

NowThenWreck · 15/03/2012 20:58

Ha! I have a "TWO kids friend Kayano!
In fact I have TWO!
And another friend with TWINS (and you can't out hard that, even if they did sleep though the night since birth practically)

One of my TWO kids friends commented the other day that there was a newspaper on my coffee table that had actually been read!
Apparently with TWO kids there is never any time for reading the paper.

I can't help thinking that even with TWO kids, I would still be able to get out the words "Mmm, not now, I'm reading the paper"

TunipTheVegemal · 15/03/2012 21:02

Kayano, I had a colleague who would turn any topic to how busy she was.
Me: Did anyone see that thing on telly last night?
Her: Oh, I wish I had time to watch tv!
Other colleague to other colleague: Love your new haircut!
Her: Oh I wish I had time to go for a haircut! etc

MsGee · 15/03/2012 21:04

DH and I used to out-martyr each other for the first year of DD life. He works full time, cleans at weekends, etc. I work part time from home, do the bulk of care for DD.

We have now agreed that we it's good I have it much better - DD (nearly 4) and I have cake, play Lego, watch films, play I the park etc. When it's bad, we agree I have the shitty end if the stick. He agrees a commute and stressful job is better than our DD continual tantrums.

Sometimes its better to just accept that everyone had good and bad days. I wouldn't swap DD for the world not even for a child that sleeps so why worry?

Kayano · 15/03/2012 21:04

wreck lmao

I don't have to deal with her anymore but
I still find myself laughing about her. It
Took me months to recover from her nearly losing her toe because she had TWO kids

nothing to do withthe fact that I had stubbed mine and she had
To compete with everything!

MsGee · 15/03/2012 21:07

Oh and with peers I use to worry. -obsessively that their children sleep more but it's a fairly boring pastime. Now I like the miserable competitors - they mainly tell me I am v lucky to work from home. I grin and agree and don't point out it took years of planning--

wildspinning · 15/03/2012 21:11

Kayano your post made me guffaw.

A friend at school said to me this morning "It's been really difficult today as my husband's away in Milton Keynes [we live in Kent] - it's been a mad rush this morning with both kids".

She has a 8yo and a two year old and lives 8 mins' walk from the school. Hubbie usually drops 8yo off on his way to work. Heaven forbid she should have to do the school run with TWO kids

MariaCallous · 15/03/2012 21:15

I read and wept. Seriously considered telling everyone I enjoy my busy frenzy with two pre schoolers and a stressful parttime job and actually feel bloody lucky. Or lobbing buns. Not sure it would have been appreciated.

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