To refuse to play the competitive parenting game?

[DrSeuss]

It's just been parent'ts evening at DS's school. Cue a rash of Fb statuses about their kids' achievements, including precise reading ages etc. My son equalled most of their achievements and bettered a few but it would never occur to me that it was appropriate to tell anyone other than immediate family. I'm glad their kids did well, I'm sure they're very proud but I refuse to play. Should I just wade in and comment that actually, my boy isn't too thick either or just smile?

just smile!

I find it REALLY cheeses off the competitive mums in the playground if you nod and smile and say "Oh that's lovely" - but say precisely NOTHING about how your kid is doing.... nothing to compete with....

Just don't get involved.

I'm an 'active' parent. I care about whether my children are achieving for their benefit and don't want them to struggle. Nevertheless I don't care at all how they compare to classmates - unless they are all utterly under par because that might be the quality of teaching and would need to be addressed, although conversely would be utterly delighted if they are all doing brilliantly because that would also likely be the quality of the teaching.

(the only thing I am competitive about that might appear on FB are the things that go wrong or ridiculously stupid things our family does).

Just smile. You know how you DS did. It's nobody elses's business. Do not get involved in competitive parenting.

Word of warning though. You may get told that we should all be shouting our children's achievements from the rooftops and boasting is totally acceptable.

Facebook is evil, don't even go there and you will be safe.

Nothing wrong with a bit of quiet dignity. Your first instincts were right. You will be belittling your boy's achievements if you wade in and list them.Pearls before swine, DrSeus, pearls before swine.
Let them wonder, people will be sure to ask if they are that anxious they have to post their business on FB.
Take him out for a nice meal at his favourite restaurant to praise him.

Just smile

tbh competitive parenting always tempts me to go the other way. For example, oh we are so proud of DD. At the parent's evening the teacher praised her SO MUCH because she has managed to not bite another child for 1 whole week. Not bad going for an 8 year old I think.

I don't actually, but I am always VERY tempted.

Just ignore it. As children get older they find this type of parental boasting an embarrassment and it can sometimes put them off achieving. Parents who this do their kids no favours in the long run.

What a shame! After our parents evenings, my FB was also full... full of things like "I am so proud of my child", "I want to tell the world how lovely my child is", "aren't we lucky to have such a nice school where my child is valued", etc. Not one boast post in sight. It was really uplifting and made me realise we parents (in general) don't tell our kids often enough that we are proud of them. of course good results are nice, but my fave thing about DS1's teacher is that the first thing she says is "he's such a pleasure to have in my class". How can I not be proud

Don't get involved in the competitive thing, and maybe other parents will follow your lead and help make everyone a bit less boasty?

I bought him a Spiderman DVD for the princely sum of £6 and he's been watching it at every opportunity for two days. I also tend to put the crap stuff on Fb, eg the fact that the baby threw up in the dishwasher the other day. I personally believe that it's rather inelegant to boast in this way. Interestingly, one of the guilty mums severely under achieved at school, something she told me herself, another regularly exits the classroom to the sound of him screaming because he doesn't like the work he's been set first thing.

That is quite pathetic putting info like that on fb. I and my friends would put a status saying that we are proud following parents evening, but that is all. Never any more information than that.

My status read that we had received a good report and would therefore not be selling him on eBay! My friend's fifteen year old is a remarkable boy who is academically able, represents the county in two sports, is a gifted linguist and a lovely lad. I have never known her to go on about this either in person or on Fb.

DrSeuss Why was your baby in the dishwasher? Should SS know about this?

Less is more, as they say.

She was on my hip while I loaded the dishwasher when she unexpectedly just exploded. She's ten months and was a bit pukey when on milk only but never anything like this before. It was like Vesuvius erupting!

Better in the dishwasher than on your cream shagpile DrSeuss. Clever baby.

YANBU I had a friend who posted all her childs exam results on facebook , dont get into it all ,

I have several issues with competitive parenting.

My dd1 was one of those who always achieved milestones early, picked up reading/writing early etc, and it WAS a bit tempting to feel a bit competitive about that. Then DS came along, and while I think he has a brilliant mind and am expecting great things from him one day, he is a bit of a square peg in a round hole at school and the comments I get from the teachers are less of the "reading at a 9yo level at age 6" and more of the "he can be very funny and it is SOMETIMES appropriate."

So, I realise it's not straightforward. And, I would not want my dcs to feel compared on overall ability. We let them read their own reports, but not each others, for that reason.

My other issue is that my parents put HUGE emphasis on academic achievement, and I felt a huge pressure not to disappoint them. Who knows, maybe I would have been like that anyway, but I'm conscious of not wanting dd1 to feel the way I did. I do praise her good reports, but I would like her to feel proud of herself, not just wait for the approval from me and DH. I had a frank conversation with her about that recently - she had been showing my mum some of her writing and Grandma apparently had shown it to a teacher friend, who said it was "above what would be expected for her age". DD reported this to me, and while I was happy that she was pleased with herself, I said that what other people say is not as important as how you feel you're doing yourself. Not totally sure I should have talked about that with her already (she is 10), but it's something I feel strongly about.

I don't even post to say we had a good report. I might tell immediate family, but don't feel i need to broadcast it to everyone i know. There is a mum at my dc's school (thankfully she is not on FB) who seems to talk about nothing else other than how bright her kids are and how they must be in the top groups for everything, even if the teacher thinks otherwise. It makes me go the other way and avoid saying anything other than to immediate family.

I think there is a shaky line between being proud of achievements and smug and a bit Obsessive , some really do go on about it to the point that they become a complete bore , In rl My mum and another granny compared grand daughters its embarassing , Im not sure who started it , BUt my mum will tell me Granny said X passed this or X Passed that , so my mum retorts with aww thats great Y passed this is getting that certificate , Now they have left school it has stopped as X is studying law and my Dd cant compete with that ,

I do not allow anyone who is not a good friend access to my facebook.. And even then I have a private "family" group - which is where the "boasting" gets done - as granny and grandma and all the great aunts like to see the achievements - karate belts, piano gradings etc... so I haven't a clue what others may have posted about their kids as I am not "friends" with most of the playground mums....

To be perfectly honest, all the baby and kid stuff on FB bores the arse off of me.

I have absolutely no interest in every child's first tooth, first fart or first crap...and that includes babies sicking up into dishwashers.

Therefore I simply ignore it.

I tell my children I'm proud of them and we ring grandparents, aunts, uncles when we have news to share.

The competative parent thing always makes me smile - my son is autistic with ADHD and my big thing was at the age of 8.5 years he finally mastered reading although he is still well behind other children.
I take their boasting or pride - and I don't feel bothered - why shouldn't they feel and express their pride? But I feel a quiet equal pride in DS for doing well in spite of his difficulties. Small steps but such big strides.

Don't get involved. Those insecure parents only want to know your DC results in the hope that they can gloat if theirs are better than yours. FB is evil.

Keep a dignified silence. You are doing the right thing.