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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad at being left out

24 replies

WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 15/03/2012 09:42

I know I am BU and should grow up but I am really fed up of being left out of things - not intentionally, but just because we are not part of the right crowd.

Most of my friends seem to know many more people than we do round here and always seem to be being asked to things whereas we are never included by anyone except our very small circle of mates, nobody seems to know we exist!

I am not expecting to be invited to parties by (almost) total strangers but how do I deal with a situation like last night where all of my friends were discussing a party they've been invited to - what to wear, whether they'll stay over, how funny the pics will be on FB, what fun their DHs will have getting drunk together etc etc - I know it's shallow but I just felt like crying and as the party is not until May I am going to have to listen to this for quite a few more weeks.

AIBU to mind about being a social outcast?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 09:47

Do you host parties and invite lots of people?

Do you organise days/nights out with people other than your closest friends?

Are you friendly and chatty with the people holding the party in May?

If you can answer yes to all of that then I don't know what you can do about it really.

lesley33 · 15/03/2012 09:52

YANBU to be sad about this.

But to agree with what worra is saying - sometimes people I know that complain about not getting invited to parties, etc never organise anything themselves. Apologies if this isn't you. But tbh it does get annoying if others are organising stuff and there are some people who never organise anything.

Why don't you organise some parties, invite people round, etc?

MrsKittyFane · 15/03/2012 09:53

I don't think the answer is playing host yourself or suddenly starting to organise group nights out.
I am more a one to one person and do neither of the above but I do arrange meet ups, weekends away, nights out with my close friends.
Are there one or two people you can do this with? If so, concentrate on them and pay no attention to what others do.

MrsKittyFane · 15/03/2012 09:54

To clarify: I am more a one to one person and do neither of the above but I do arrange meet ups, weekends away, nights out with my close friends individually

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 15/03/2012 10:15

Party? I haven't been invited to a party for years!

I do understand how you feel but I don't know what you can do apart from try to get to know more people. When you go out with your friends get them to introduce you to their other friends or try to join in more local events.

Sometimes you have to make an effort so people know you want to be included more.

lesley33 · 15/03/2012 10:18

Sorry, you asked how you deal with this? I think all you can do is sit and smile and swallow any unhappiness or jealousy you have. To do or say anything else will just make you sound jealous anf bitter, however gently you say it. Sorry.

Original poster
WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 15/03/2012 10:18

We don't really throw parties for the same reason that we are not asked to them - we don't know that many people well. I'd feel a right idiot sending out the invitations - most people round here would go 'who?' when it came through the door!

I am friendly and chatty when I'm with the people in question but I don't really see them that often - my other friends just seem to have busier lives that involve more mixing than mine does!

We do arrange things (weekends away, get-togethers, stuff with the kids etc) with our smaller circle of friends and have a good time.

I can't change the fact that our other friends seem to know more people than we do but I just wish I didn't have to listen to them going on about where they're going and what they're doing - it makes me feel pathetic that they know we don't have much of a social life beyond what we do with them.

OP posts:
Pixieonthemoor · 15/03/2012 10:25

Rather than organise something that needs a more formal style of invitation because you worry that people would say 'who?' why not go for something that can grow organically. What I mean is something like organising your small group to go en masse to a local park/beauty spot for a picnic. Then when you are calling people, encourage them to ask other people (who you only know vaguely) on the 'more the merrier' basis. Then when they are all arriving, make sure you let them know that you were the chief organiser and get stuck in with chatting/making friends.

ExitPursuedByABear · 15/03/2012 10:28

If you friends are discussing in such detail what they will be doing at a party in a couple of months time, then their lives cannot be that full of social engagements.

Tell them how you feel.

QuintessentialyHollow · 15/03/2012 10:29

You seem to know a lot of people, when you have the chance to listen to all their going ons!

I dont even know about parties, as I hardly know anybody to talk to!

So, pull yourself together woman and be happy with what you have. A nice small circle of friends that you do things with.

lesley33 · 15/03/2012 10:43

I really wouldn't follow Exit's advice of telling them how you feel tbh. I think it could make you look petty. But I think Pixie's idea is a good one. People with lots of friends are the ones ime who do reach out to new people.

TubbyDuffs · 15/03/2012 10:48

I think its pretty rude to talk about invitations to things that you know someone within the group isn't invited to. Not a lot you can do about it though really.

Can you not just jokingly say "Change the subject please, I'm not invited" type thingy?

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 15/03/2012 11:04

Gosh, I'm with Tubby, that is very bad manners and tactless. I have few friends but enjoy spending time with them. Your mates smacked somewhat of desparation... Posting on Facebook to prove they have such fun lives? Puh-lease..... Chin up.

Original poster
WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 15/03/2012 11:49

You're right it is a bit rude but I would have looked petty if I said anything, might have to if it goes on until May though!

Agree re the FB thing, it's this century's version of the popular girls at school bragging about whose party they went to the night before, bit desperate but you can't help feeling envious...

Quintessentially I don't really, I've got 3 friends here and that's about it but generally they are good mates (even if they do bang on about other people's parties too much!) and I am lucky to have them. I also have a couple of old friends from college days but don't see them as much as I'd like as we are all scattered around the country now :(

OP posts:
MariaFormosa · 15/03/2012 14:05

YANBU - I think the "feeling left out" thing raises its ugly head when we have our own children - reminds us of being back at school... Have noticed in my own life I have some very social periods, then some that are less so. There is a bit of an ebb and flow .. don't wish to sound too Zen-like and detached, but you might jusy be in a fallow phase, and things will turn around eventually as life moves on. You'll probably find those very same people who seem so close now will all have fallen out with each other by May...

Jusfloatingby · 15/03/2012 14:07

Maybe you need a different 'type' of friends. People banging on all the time about the next party and posting on facebook and how drunk their husbands are going to get sound a bit sad and fake to me. Instead of wishing you were like them, maybe you could find more interesting friends who are like you?

attheendoftheday · 15/03/2012 14:59

Perhaps look at ways you can have a social ife that you're happy with? If you weren't feeling a bit lonely you probably wouldn't care what others are doing. How about joining a group or starting a hobby (alone or with kids) where you're likely to meet similar people? I've never been good at making friends in a nightclub-type environment, but I do a martial art, and another hobby, and meet loads of nice people through them.

Original poster
WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 15/03/2012 16:00

Jusfloatingby - you've got a point there, we are friends mainly because our kids are the same age. I thought we had more in common as we started meeting because of a shared hobby but that seems to have tailed off now in favour of sitting round bitching about other people, discussing school politics (which are irrelevant to me as my DD has now left) and planning the next wild social extravaganza that I'm not going to!

OP posts:
Vickles · 15/03/2012 16:01

OP - I feel your pain... But, you seriously you need to stop comparing your social life to your friends! You should be happy with the circle of friends that you do have.. and you're not just happy with them, then... do something about it. Be proactive! We moved house and my kids schools last summer, and we've worked really hard at being pro-active and becoming part of the community. We've held parties and had friends round... and have built a lovely circle of friends from nothing! Yes, they have other friends, and yes, they sometimes talk about other social things that they're doing.. but I'm not bothered about it. I'm grateful for what good friends we do have.. and certainly don't intend on alienating them by whining about my lack of social life. I know it comes hard to some people, and can come easy to others.. but, you want more of a social life.. be proactive, and get yourself out there. Go for it!!! xx

Original poster
WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 15/03/2012 16:13

Actually Vickles a move may be on the cards, a fresh start could be just what we need - or we could end up seeing even less people than we do now!

OP posts:
Vickles · 15/03/2012 16:34

I moved away from some pretty nasty, bitchy women... who sat on their sofas tearing people and their kids to bits!

It hasn't been easy... especially as we only moved a mile away.. so it wasn't 100% start all over again... but, it was the best thing that we did.

But, it needs to be right for all of you.. not just you. I toyed with it for a year (being treated like shit for a year by those women) - as I was scared of changing everything just for my feelings.. but, those women affected everything... school, our home, our road... so, my kids were going to be affected by it... so, we put the house on the market and filled out the 'in year application' form in for the school.

We've been here for 8 months.. and it's been tough, really tough. And even though we're feeling part of things now... it has been hard seeing everyone really know each other - as they've know each other since they were pregnant or their kids were at pre-school. But, you mentioned your children were older?

Just be sure that it's right for you and your family... but, be warned that those feeling will most likely come with you... I too can suffer sometimes with feeling left out and inadequate.. and I have to shake myself sometimes. A fresh start sounds great, I know.. but, you might come across these feelings again, when you meet new people and they've got old friends etc.....

Sounds like you need a project... maybe a new house? Or, a new job? Or going back to college?? Keep yourself busy and try to shake off these feelings. They're not healthy, and they only bring you down. Find something to focus on.... I wish you well with everything. Sounds like you're up for a challenge! Good luck...x

Original poster
WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 15/03/2012 17:07

That's a very useful post, thanks. Move may be out of necessity rather than choice (DH's work) but I do wonder if a fresh start would be good for us. You have to weigh up the positives like having known people in this village since DD was a baby (although clearly not that many people hence this post!) against the feeling of not really belonging despite that. There's a lot to consider (DD would hate changing schools for a start) but it may be the only way for all of us.

I think it probably says more about me than anything and yes, you're right - I do need a project. Another difference between me and my friends is that none of them is very career minded (nothing wrong with that) whereas I run my own business and am just about to start a course studying something that may help me expand it. They show an interest in what I do but my life is quite different to theirs in some ways (I work from home all the hours there are (!), they work part time out of the house or not at all because they've got younger children).

I'm glad to hear things are going well for you, those feelings you get when you're a kid and don't feel you fit in never really leave you do they, even when you're a big sensible adult with children of your own!

OP posts:
OAM2009 · 15/03/2012 22:05

Just want to sympathise - I have only in the last week admitted that I feel a bit lonely. I do have friends but like you, they often seem to be having better times with other people Sad

Just to give you some good news tho - you're winning in the popular thread stakes! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1428593-to-be-so-socially-paranoid I only got one reply! Sad

There's good advice here which I might follow myself - perhaps we'll both be Grin soon! x

Original poster
WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame · 16/03/2012 09:12

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat, it's tough isn't it being a billy-not-very-many-mates! As you say, lots of good advice here :)

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