I'm kind of in the middle of some one else's argument, any advice gratefully received. Hope this post doesn't meander too much, I'm trying to make sure you have all relevant info but it goes on a bit?
My sister and my mother have a strained relationship, my mother can be confrontational and rude, she is very self-obsessed and difficult to talk to as she will not take any criticism on?board in the slightest, it is never her fault... My sister has a history of depression often triggered by my mother's unreasonable behaviour. I get on really well with my sister and quite well with my mother, I seem to be able to ignore my mother's behaviour a little easier than my sister.
My sister is married with one DC, she and her DH recently appointed guardians for their DC, they chose my sister's best friend and her husband (both childless and likely to remain that way through choice). My sister's friend lives in Scotland, we all live in the SE.
My mother is REALLY worked up about this, she feels that should anything happen to my sister and her DH her GDC would move to Scotland and she would rarely see her. My mother strongly feels that my sister's DC should live with us (me, my DH and our two DC) should anything happen to her. My sister's view is that this could upset her DH's family. Her DH has three siblings, all younger, single and childless, my sister feels choosing me over them is unfair to her DH's family (who also all live in the SE btw).
If I'm being totally honest I was upset that my sister wouldn't want her DC to live with me should the unthinkable happen to her and her DH, I think what upset me was the potential distance (actual, not metaphorical) between the rest of the family and my sister's DC should something happen to my sister. My sister's friend would not move south, their business and life are in Scotland. HOWEVER I STRONGLY FEEL that this a decision for my sister and her husband. They know their DC, they also have strong ideas about how to bring DC up so, quite rightly, they have chosen the guardians they feel would be best placed to do this.
It also upsets me that I'm having to discuss and think about a situation which arises from losing my sister, who I love dearly.
This has been the catalyst for a HUGE argument between my sister and my mother. I have felt for a few weeks now that something wasn't right with my sister and I worry she is starting to feel depressed again and this situation will not help at all. I haven't spoken to my mother yet (trying to work out how best to) but don't doubt she will be full of 'I'm upset because'... ' this has made me feel horrible'... 'its very hurtful for me?' etc etc. All about how she feels. While I don't like this behaviour part of me thinks, fair enough, you are talking to me from your perspective, why wouldn't you talk about how you feel?? However the other part wants to tell her to shut up, stop being so self-obsessed, its not ALL about her, it about what's best for her GDC and can't she see how awful she's made my sister feel by questioning her judgement and ability to bring her DC up?
I guess my question is ? who is being unreasonable? Is any one being unreasonable? What do I do when I get dragged in to this by mother? And she will, drag me in. So far I've only spoken to my sister who is horribly upset and worried that she's offended me and my husband. I've told her no of course she hasn't, I haven't told her I'm a little upset at the guardianship decision (and I won't tell her) because I don't feel its my place to and its not my decision to make. I've only included it here so you know everything and because I want to make sure I'm not biased.
ARGH. Mothers.
Thank you for your help.