To not want to go out and celebrate boss retiring?

[hattieboo2012]

My immediate dept manager is retiring next week. She has been with the company for 30 years and she is planning a meal out for us to celebrate some night next week. By us, I mean her small team of 6 women, including me. The others worship the ground she walks on.

I am loathe to attend this meal because the woman is a bitch. I have many a time heard her calling me behind my back to the others, and having them all laugh at me when they thought I couldn't hear. She is also very unapproachable and bar one lady from my colleagues, the others also say nasty things behind my back and generally shit stir.

As a team, we regularly go out for meals together. Apart from not liking who goes, they are deathly boring. I really don't want to go to bitchface's retirement next week. AIBU, and if not, how do I get out of it?

Could you have forgotten your mum's/dad's/DH's/DC's/cat's birthday and be suddenly reminded? I wouldn't go, and would feign a forgotten prior engagement, illness or death to get out of it. YANBU!

In a small team, yes YABU. Perfectly reasonable to not want to go but, you will be getting a new boss soon and may be able to build a better relationship with the whole team. But not to go will be seen by others as petty. Unless you have a very good made up excuse, they may suspect that it is just an excuse.

In small teams especially, boss's can set the tone. So the others may just have been following their lead in terms of how they feel about you.

Although tbh if you think they are all deathly boring that may come across and may even be at the root of their attitude to you. Nobody likes someone when that person is disdainful of them.

So if I was you I would go along, smile and try and get on with people. And many people find work dos like this boring but accept its part of life.

It sounds as though you WILL be celebrating her retiring - just maybe not with her! Just make an excuse and then try and make a fresh start when new boss starts.

YANBU. They all sound horrible. Don't you have a hugely

Grr phone!

Hugely important prior commitment that night ?

I'm a firm believer in simply not doing things you don't want to do. Just tell them you can't make it. You're not obligated to justify your reasons why.

YABU: these events are part is the glue that binds teams together.

If you are that uncomfortable with you work (and you sound happy all round), then I suggest you start hunting for a new position where you believe you will fit in later. Until you do that, you have the choice between participating and doing your bit to change the mood or realising that by no joining in you will feel ever more isolated.

Hi

Office politics .......grr.
I don't think you ABU but I would suggest going anyway as you are going to have to work with the others still once she's gone and if they already have a tendency to be bitchy or exclude you your absence may encourage this further.

It's not fair really but I would just grit teeth, "celebrate" her departure and the fact you can move on.

Of course don't go.

And next time call them on it when their slagging you off.

You are the keeper of your self esteem and having to hang out with people who are awful to you chips away at it.

My initial thought was that you should make up a babysitter letting you down or similar but thinking about it I think you should go and revel in the fact that it's the last one you'll have to do because she's retiring - yippee. You too can celebrate!!

She has been with the company for 30 years. I don't know how long you have been there or worked for her, but I am assuming for a while. She will be out of your life for good in less than a week. Can't you just be gracious and kind and forgiving and try to find closure in a positive way?

I don't think you should go to the leaving event if you really don't want to and if you are going to be miserable, but you should wish her well and contribute to card, present or whatever. You could even offer to take her out for a quick lunch or a drink after work - something which shows generosity of spirit and marks the occasion.

In any organisation there will be bickering and office politics and, in an all female team although I hate to say it, a degree of bitchiness. When a relationship is poor - whether in or out of the workplace - it is usually because of poor communication on both sides. If you have a private lunch/drink and a chat, you may find out why it has not been successful. She may have been acting on instructions from her boss sometimes, rather than being unkind on her own initiative. You may find that she is quite open with you if she is leaving anyway.

By spurning her invitation to her leaving do, you may momentarily feel good to have 'got her back' in some way. However, if you can bring yourself to rise above your feelings of resentment and be kind, I promise you that you will feel better in the long term.

By the way, I hope I don't seem patronising - I don't mean to - it's just that I have found in the past that what works for me is that if I really don't like someone (rare) I make an extra effort to be nice to them and they usually reciprocate!

Tell them you're going so you don't have to deal with any comments or pressure beforehand and then cry off at the very last minute with some invented domestic emergency.

Well, my DH who is very successful in the business world and always manages to negotiate the minefield that is office politics without personal injury, has the view that socialising with people he might not otherwise choose as friends is part of the job. I on the other hand am a bit like you and have a tendency to not bother. Result I do get embroiled in office politics. Just grin and be positive. Look like you are enjoying yourself. It will make your life easier in the long run.

Just announce that you will miss her so much, she's been such an inspiration and a big part of your life for so long, you can't bear the thought of her leaving so can't go because you will break down and cry all night. At this point wipe away a single ear, bravely, with an embroidered lace edged hanky and look brave...

Heh! Do you work in my office? We also have one manager who has been there since she left school, and who is a racist manipulative bitch. (Sorry she's not racist- it's just a COINCIDENCE she fired all the black agency staff...)
I had to go into hospital for a heart procedure- the day I came back to work, she made a formal complaint I'd left five minutes early. I hadn't- I was in the toilet.
When she cam to leave, I decided I'd just had enough of the hypocrisy- and the fact that a lot of people were actually scared of her and sucked up to her. I didn't sign her leaving card, and had a nice night at home when it was her leaving do.

she slags you off behind your back... yet here you are calling her a bitch?

plus... she is leaving but the rest of the team isnt.

they will remember that you wernt there, so its not exactly her opionion you should be worried about

Go get drunk and tell her what a bitch she is after all you will not be seeing her again

Are they all generally nasty to each other, or is it just you getting the brunt of it? Either way, it doesn't sound like a very enjoyable night so I would just make a convincing excuse and not go.

Don't go if you don't want to

Your working situation sounds horrendous if everyone bar one person says nasty things about you. YANBU to want to avoid this but TBH I am wondering why it is none of your colleagues seem to like you? Are you being bullied or do you have an attitude the others don't like? In any event life is too short to work with people you can't stand and who can't stand you so I would either make the effort to get on better with your team which may involve doing something about the nastiness or can you find another job?