to be so socially paranoid?

[OAM2009]

My DH and I moved to a commuter village 4 years ago this summer. I was 4 months pregnant when we moved into a virtually empty new street and at first, it seemed idyllic. The people opposite were lovely, had a 10 month old boy and were so kind and helpful. More people moved in who were also very nice and I was lucky to meet lovely people at playgroups and have a great NCT group. I now have 2 boys with 17 months between them.

However, recently, I've just started feeling really lonely. It's like it's all so false. Everyone is really nice and polite and friendly but I feel like a lot of the time I hide the real me. I get angry about things but I'm always reining myself back as I feel it would alienate people. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time. I'm scared if my natural nastiness alienates people, my poor sons will suffer by never having any friends.

Also, friends know we don't have family near but but I rarely get an offer of help or even get asked for my help. Yet, my friends always seem to be helping each other with tiny things that don't really require help! There always seem to be a lot of mind games and power games going on and it's just doing my head in.

All I want is a friend who likes me for who I actually am and who is interested in being there for me. I would just like to make a real connection with someone.

Sounds like you're having a pretty rough time - when you're at home with little kids/babies life can sometimes feel like this as your world narrows.

I bet you would get some good support on Relationships (on MN!) - try posting there, people can be really brilliant.xx

I found that when my oldest started school, it opened a whole new circle of friends up. How old are your little ones?

I go through stages of feeling lonely, despite being surrounded by people. I crave for that one best friend.. so, I know how you feel.

But, I did have someone, but she really let me down...(that's another thread!) And, I realised that it was wrong to put 'all my eggs in one basket'.

I no longer see this person, and I have worked really had in surrounding myself with some really nice people, who I now class as friends. But, I still miss having one really best friend, but to be honest, I would NEVER go back there again. It's much healthier to have a few good friends - than one best friend. You get too reliant on each other, and 'live in each other's pockets'.. and after a while, it can come quite controlling. So, work on building a few good friendships up.

Regarding the friends you mentioned, about the mind games.. I think that some people like to be needed and like everyone to 'know' that they are needed. My ex best friend was like that.. and it all ended in tears.

I felt that I was hiding the real me last year when we moved here... worried about alienating people.. but being too over the top or coming across as being too desperate to meet new friends. I stepped back a bit, and held myself back.... and saw what happened... and I have made some nice friendships with the women at the new school where my daughter goes. It's taken time, and I feel that I can be myself again. So, I do understand how you feel.

Like alot of friendships we have as mums.... NCT , pre-school and then school playground mums... we're all thrown together and the only real common ground we have is that we've 'all have sex within the same year.'!!!!!!

But, there will be some women that you just really hit it off with and find you can talk too.. and be you.

You sound a bit like me. I can now count my genuine friends on one hand as I got fed up pretending to be nicer than I actually am. I've just had my second baby and I'm forcing myself to go to things like baby massage in a vague attempt to meet more people. And just be myself instead of shoe horning my personality into the wrong fit.

I have come to realise that you get out what you put in. So maybe you need to ask yourself if you're helping your friends out in the way that you see them doing. It's taken me over 30 years to understand that good friendships don't just magically occur.

How can you expect to find friends that like you for the real you if you are forever pretending to be someone you're not? Perhaps you should speak your mind more and be yourself, you may find you're not really alone in your thinking after all.

what do you mean your "natural nastiness"? Sounds like you might be a little self critical..
I have been to so many groups with my kids (3.5 yrs and 7 months) some good, most very bad. Its hard to meet like minded people. I have struggled to find people who are like me, as i just don't seem to be able to do the whole female, ooo your so wonderful, fake chitty chat.
Still i have met a few friends now who i feel on the whole i can be myself with.

Guys, thank you all very much for your comments.

Vickles, I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience with your ex best friend. I'm glad to hear you've moved on. I'm also glad I'm not the only one who feels lonely occasionally and feels you need to put on a good front.

Cigarettes, I like your comment about shoehorning your personality but I'm not sure how I can help other people out more. I never get asked so I never get the opportunity and only hear about stuff when it's done.

Farmerswifey, I do try to let people see the real me but the real me is usually tactless, clumsy, a bit dup, etc etc so I'm not sure it'll help!

xxx