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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think if someone says IF i did it ...

7 replies

bkgirl · 14/03/2012 11:19

AIBU to think if someone says IF i did it then I am sorry as being an insufficient/half hearted apology. I suffered from a lot of domestic abuse and my father issued this apology last night admitting that he only did it to chastise me. I asked him could he not remember kicking me often around the floor (as well as punching etc) at first he denied it then said he remembered kicking but it wasn't hard. BULLSHIT! He was an animal. Thing is I always took it as he was sorry till recently when I discovered he didn't admit it let alone apologise. Thing is just because he is mid seventies with a heart condition he thinks I should just forget about it, so does my mother who turned a blind eye and indeed prompted it. You know I cannot stand them now, they are still more concerned with their reputation......hence the weak apology.
That said I don't want it to eat me up, I need to walk away. Forgiveness just isn't in me right now - they need to earn it and not expect it. I am heartily sick of old people using their age to escape accusation/repercussions.
Come on mumsnetter, make me wise and able to cope! Grrrrrrr

OP posts:
GeekCool · 14/03/2012 11:24

Oh OP :(

You are right though, saying 'IF I did it', is a disclaimer, not admitting guilt.
You are also right in that just because they are old, it does not diminish what happened to you or your feelings.

MissLofPubia · 14/03/2012 11:35

'If I did it' to me sounds like 'Yeah I did it, what of it?'. That's bloody awful. I don't what to suggest though. I completely understand why you won't forgive xxx

ItWasABoojum · 14/03/2012 11:36

OP, I can heartily recommend this book. It has lots of helpful exercises that could help you let go even if you don't get the apology you deserve - and you're right, so far you haven't had it. xx

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 14/03/2012 11:39

My brother doesn't "remember" bullying me mercilessly while we were teenagers, so I reckon the chances of him apologising for sexually abusing me at least twice when I was about 8 or 10 is pretty low.

Having said that, I'd much rather never see or speak to him again. Don't think that will genuinely happen until our dad has passed away (our mum died in 1998).

I think your dad's attitude stinks, he cannot use his age as a get out clause, despite the fact that he seems to think that is exactly what he can do. But I think your major issue is your mother, and her attitude.

Walk away, OP. You don't need these two parasites in your life on any terms. Tell your father to go screw himself!!!

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 14/03/2012 11:49

You won't get an apology because he doesn't see he did anything wrong. I couldn't use the word "accept" when I had my counselling so had to use the word "acknowledge"

People kept telling me I'd only move on if I accepted what happened in my childhood - that's a load of bollocks - I acknowledged it happened but I will never accept it - you may need some counselling OP to help you move forward (it was life changing for me) also if you repost this in relationships you'll get some great support from others who understand

Good luck

bkgirl · 14/03/2012 11:51

Ahhhhh brilliant - a big hug for you all :)
Yep - a disclaimer, good way to put it. So sorry meow about your experiences with your brother, that must have been horrific.
Thank goodness I married a kind non-aggressive man who has been fantastic with my recent rants about this. Going to look up that book now itwas, sounds ideal.
Thankyou xx

OP posts:
bkgirl · 14/03/2012 11:53

Very interesting Fuzzy....must discuss this with sis who has been through counselling

OP posts:
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