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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in trying to find out what time fiance will be home?

11 replies

Hollanda · 14/03/2012 10:55

My fiance (DF) goes out once a week with his friends, playing pool. For the past 3 weeks, he has said he will be back home at 7 at the latest and we will eat. Bear in mind I am at home all day with our son (5 months) and tend to eat lunch at 1pm at the latest. If he says he will be home at that time, I take him at his word. However, he phones me at 6.45 and says "Oh I'm just having another drink with my friends,I'll be back at 8". Now I cannot eat after 8pm. I'm beyond hungry by that point and feel sick and tired and just want to chill before I go to bed. DF knows that. I don't mind him going out. I don't mind him getting drunk (if that is what he wants to do) as the baby is usually asleep or at least ready to go to bed when he arrives back, and he doesn't pick the baby up after he's had a drink. Now the reason I ask AIBU is because every time I call him to ask him what time we are going to be eating (I get hungry!), I get told I am mean and selfish, and he doesn't ring me constantly when I am out, and I should not call him. I don't exactly ring him constantly, just when it gets to beyond 8pm and no call as to what he is doing. To be frank, I don't care whether he stays out all night, if that is what he wants to do...if he told me right at the beginning "I won't be back until 8pm" I would make myself a snack or something, but just to not have a clue...??? Right up until 6.45 he was going to be coming back by 7. Last night it was 8.45 when he got back (drunk) with fish and chips, I wasn't hungry any more and I was sick of being called mean. He texted me 5 times to say "Why are you such a nag?" I am not a nag. I feel partly like I am being unreasonable...and that is not how I want to be! Someone help me out??

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/03/2012 10:59

Is there any reason why you can't eat without him being there? Confused

From what you've said, it sounds as though he has a point.

Just eat your dinner and let him enjoy a night out without having to give a firm time to be home.

Original poster
Hollanda · 14/03/2012 11:03

Yeah. It's just usually he's such a stickler for eating together. I'll try that one next time. If I go out (somewhat rarely!), I make sure we either eat together or he eats and I grab something out. And it is always his suggestion to pick something up on the way home. Next time I will just say "No, babe, it's OK, I'll get something now, I'm hungry!" xxx

OP posts:
JustHecate · 14/03/2012 11:11

Just eat. Let him sort his own food out when he gets back.

If you take a deep breath and really think about it - I couldn't eat because of you not coming home on time, I'm so hungry, waiting for you... well, it's silly, isn't it? There's no reason on earth you can't just eat something! You are choosing to not eat and making him responsible for that. Is that control? punishment? I will eat when you get home. I am waiting for you. You have prevented me from eating. ? Is it to make him have to come back, knowing you are really really hungry and 'can't' eat?

Him saying he will be home by a certain time and not doing so is a separate issue. Grin That's bloody annoying. I had the same problem with my husband for years. Only in my case he would go out for milk and come back the next day at some point in the afternoon. I don't blame you at all for being pissed off if someone says they'll be with you at such and such a time and they just don't bother. That shows a lack of respect. Like - it's only you, it doesn't matter, iyswim. Far better for them to say I don't know what time I'll be back, I'll see you later.

So just eat some bloody food because that really doesn't matter! And tackle the issue - him saying one thing and doing another!

YonWhaleFish · 14/03/2012 11:12

Just eat when you want, and don't prepare him any.

JustHecate · 14/03/2012 11:12

x-post. oh it's HIM that expects you to wait! Oh well, ignore everything I just said then! Bugger that.

Eat.

Tell him to get stuffed. You're hungry, you eat, if he's not there it's his own damned fault.

kasbah72 · 14/03/2012 11:13

If you genuinely don't mind him being out later then just tell him that you are going to eat on your own and he should sort out his own food!

If you are the kind of person (like me) who gets really ratty when they haven't eaten then it is never going to be a fun evening for either of you. Oh, and you will both be right!

If you like eating together then why not have a dessert date later in the evening instead? You eat when you are hungry earlier in the evening, he can pick up something to eat on his way back from pool and you both get to catch up over pudding.

That way he doesn't wind you up by being late and you don't wind him up by trying to find out when he is coming home AND you get some time together.

Perfect!

We do this when the football is on sometimes. I just can't hang on until 10 to eat dinner without being a miserable cow and he can't always get his butt home in the 3 seconds after the whistle blows. Marital harmony is restored.

DinahMoHum · 14/03/2012 11:13

just make yourself something and dont phone him

JustHecate · 14/03/2012 11:14

and he's a bit of an arse really, if he expects you to sit, waiting, hungry, for some unspecified time when he decides to come back.

thefurryone · 14/03/2012 11:15

Agree with others why wait for him to have your tea, if he's such a stickler for eating together then he'll have to make sure he's home in time to join you.

ceeveebee · 14/03/2012 11:18

My DH is always late from work and never lets me know, if I am too hungry to wait I just cook and eat, and he can reheat it when he gets in. I have 4mo twins so its usually a casserole in the slow cooker or something easy to reheat anyway.

Original poster
Hollanda · 14/03/2012 11:22

Yup. Just texted him that next time I will do that exact thing. And when he phones me, I will just not ask when he will be home.

He is the one who says "I will be home at 7, not drinking much tonight"...so I expect him to actually do that! I like a drink or two, when it is convenient to him, so he can get the baby fed, dressed and in his cot asleep when I get back (it's late as i usually go to a quiz night). We are so good on agreeing stuff usually...we can be back late (after 11) or tipsy drunk, just not both. This rule comes from when he came back at 2.30am absolutely hammered and woke both me and baby up (a mean feat since Charlie boy sleeps through anything!). And it works. We so rarely row that when we do, it kind of means something. That and the sleep deprivation thing and just exhaustion makes everything kind of out of proportion!!! :) xxx

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