To write this letter?

[UsedToBePretty]

Apologies if I have to drip feed a bit, but there is so much detail to this that it is impossible to get it all in one post.

In October, whilst visiting my family, DH was attacked by BIL pretty badly after they had an argument. Although they were both holding their own in the verbal argument, the physical attack was completely one sided and resulted in DH being punched, throttled and headbutted. I witnessed it happen and tried to pull BIL off but I couldn't - I've never been so scared in my life - he only took his hands off DH's neck when my sister walked into the room. Luckily DH was ok and only suffered a bloody nose and some temporary damage to his teeth.

We rang the police and BIL was arrested and charged. At the time, my mum and sister were begging me not to call the police, and since then, my sister has not spoken a word to me, did not acknowledge my birthday, Christmas etc. I sent presents to her and the children at Christmas time and they were not acknowledged at all. I can sort of "understand" why she is being like this - she sees it that I have caused her husband to be arrested, even though it was his actions that started it all. From what I can can gather, she and my mum don't think that what he did warranted having the police called, however neither of them were in the room at the time.

What has upset me more is that my mum has not spoken to me since then either. We did have a bit of an argument a few days after this had happened, because she and my stepdad were trying to get us to drop the charges. I tried to explain to them that even if we wanted to, it is not us who decide on this - it is the police and the CPS. Neither of them would listen to us and kept interrupting so in the end after it got quite heated, we walked out. DH said that he didn't want anything to do with any of them again.

Anyway, I wrote my mum a letter a few weeks ago asking if she wanted to sort things out, because I didn't want this to go on forever (we used to speak most days before) - she replied by text to say that she didn't want to reply by text but she was very busy at work and maybe we could get together after Easter!! To be fair, we do live 300 miles away from each other, but I had expected at least a letter or a phone call with some sort of explanation! I just don't know what I have done to her to cause this. If one of us got hit by a bus tomorrow it would all be left up in the air with no resolve.

I want to write my mum a letter and spill out everything that is in my head, because it is really starting to get to me, and I have been suffering with a lot of physical health problems too, which may be connected. I asked my dad what he thought (they are divorced), and he said that I should absolutely not write a letter because it will make things worse.

I don't really want to wait until Easter for a face to face meeting with my mum - the thought of it makes me feel so stressed, as does the thought of a phone cal, but I don't want to make it worse by writing a letter. I'm not sure exactly why my dad thinks this is a bad idea

Sorry pressed post to soon -

I think my dad is of the opinion that it will be better if we all just say "let's forget about it all" and move on.

I really don't think I can do that.

WWYD?

Personally I wouldn't write the letter. If you were going to get an explanation you'd have had it by now. Any explanation wouldn't make a difference anyway to me.

My own stance would be very much one of 'fuck the lot of them' if they were trying to support someone who assaulted my husband, in the same way my DH would be if the situation were turned on its head.

If you can't speak to her in person then I think a phone call would be better. Do it sooner rather than later, and get it out of the way. And make sure you stay calm and don't get into an argument with her

OP you have to stand up for what you did at the time and what you believe, and accept that no contact might be the fallout. Your mother and sister feel how they feel and you can't influence that.
Also, understandably, your DH wants nothing to do with any of them, and in your shoes, I'd be supporting him.

You have to accept how things are and if they want to make the first move, they'll make the first move. It's not in your hands any more.

I would write a letter, but that is my way. I cant say whether it would be the right way for you to deal with your mum, but it would probably be the easiest way to get your side across uninterrupted without it turning into an argument.

I would try to word the letter calmly, not accusingly, and see how it goes.

The argument, whatever it was, was not between you and your Mum, and so you should not have to lose your relationship with because of it.

I wouldn't want anything to do with them at all ever again.

I am just so angry.

The letter is more a way of me getting things off my chest and making me feel better.

I can't ring her because it will result in an argument.

The reason I thought a letter would be good is because I can say what I want to say without being interrupted or it turning nasty.

Did you post about this when it happened, OP?
Because I remember it and was really shocked.
How is your DH now?
What happened with the police? Has BIL been charged?

Anyway, I don't think I would write a letter, purely because whatever you write will not be what they read, iyswim.
It will be misconstrued and what happens if you don't get a reply?
I think you should wait and talk with your mum about it, who BTW I think has behaved appalingly towards you and DH.

Don't write a letter that she could show to your sister and bil, and that could be used against you.

Your sis has got the hump with you and until it is all resolved with the police and the cps then the situation will continue. You have to work out what you want to happen and where you see the relationship with your mum going from here. Your dh's wishes have to be respected here I think.

You also have to factor in your Mum's relationship with your sister and bil.

How do you feel about your bil now? Would you be happy to see him as you used to? Leave your kids with him? Leave your kids with your Mum who may allow sister and bil to see you kids? Given that he has attacked your dh, is there reason to think that he would not do it again if challenged?

Sometimes it is better to walk away and get on with your life, than worry about relations. Keep the channels open to talk by sending cards and gifts for the kids, but stay away yourself. It hurts at first, but then you do feel a sense of relief, and I speak from bitter experience here.

I suggest you vent by writing a letter but not post it. I do the same except it is an email that I never send.

Whether it is here in MN or the Real World, people want to believe what they want to believe and nothing you can say or write will change this.

The letter is more a way of me getting things off my chest and making me feel better

Then dont send it, because it WILL be used as a weapon against you. It will be passed to your sister and her husband, and it will come across as you wanting to keep the argument going as well.

I remember your previous post about the attack. What your BIL did was horrific and he should be charged for it, no question.

Your mum is so very wrong to put herself in the middle of this and take your sister's side. I could understand her staying neutral, because you are both her daughters, but she has not remained neutral - she has very clearly chosen your sister and abandoned you when you desperately need her.

My own view (and I know it's a hard line to take), would be to cut them all off and stop bothering. If your mum cared for you, she would have contacted you before now. As it stands, she's made her priorities clear.

I'm so sorry, but I think you should stop trying and move on.

What has happened wrt the police prosecution, or is it still ongoing?

Magneto - when it first happened I absolutely did not want anything to do with them, but I am very much a "see the good side in people" type person. In an ideal world I would like to be able to have a relationship with my family, but I just don't see how that is ever going to happen.

From some of the hints that my dad has dropped, I think that he has asked my sister what it would take for her to be speaking to me again. He keeps asking me if the court case is "set in stone". Read into that what you will.....

As if that would make everything ok.

AlistairSim - yes I did, possibly under another alias .

DH is ok, though I think the shock and stress of it has taken its toll on all of us including ds.

BIL was charged yes - he made counter charges against DH and me after we acted in self defence but these were not followed up. There is a court case next month which we have to attend as witnesses. Which means standing up in front of them....

How do I feel about BIL - never ever want to see him again. I have never liked him, but this has just been the icing on the cake.

I can't see myself ever leaving ds with any of them even if this did sort itself out, no.

I suspect that your families silence is their attempt to influence you. A bit like a child that is sulking, hoping that this will make you buy him the toy.

It is possible that when the trial is over your mum will revert to before but whether you can forgive or forgive her tactics is another matter.

Pusheed - yes I agree - it seems convenient that she is unable to speak to me until after Easter, which is after the trial.....

Perhaps I will write the letter and then just not send it.

I've got to go out now but I will check back later.

Thanks for all the replies

Thing is, even if you dropped the charges, you will always feel you were bullied into it by your family and that's no good for long term family relations.

It can never go back to 'normal' now, because of what your BIL did and because of the lack of support within your family.

Exactly karma.

We would never drop the charges because:

a) he committed a crime which left me terrified and my husband hurt and I would hate to think of him doing that to someone else

b) like you say it would never be the same because there is no way I could act normal with them, and

c) we were specifically told by the police that if we wanted them not to proceed that we would need to ask a lawyer to write a letter to the judge to ask for it to be dropped, which the judge would probably frown upon, and even then may still decide to go ahead.

I would go back and re read your first thread when this happen.

Your mother is never going to put you and your dh before your sister and BIL.

Your mother,brother in law and sister lives are so involved with both personnel and business wise, there is no room for you and your dh.

You have to for your own mental health let them get on with their lives and make a life with your Dh and children.

I'd just leave it for now, write them off so to speak as contact will just make matters worse. You cannot force your mother to speak to you. Wait, like she, said until after Easter and take it from there.

Ok so I'm not going to write the letter.

But does anyone have any advice on how I go about dealing with the situation when it does rear it's ugly head ie if my mum gets in touch via the phone.

I get really tongue tied in situations like this and I either end up getting upset or losing it. I kind of need to have it in my head what I want to say in advance if the situation arises.

What would you say?

I would write down, a very short list of points to say if/when your mum rings, and keep it by the phone.

But I'd be fully prepared for it to be an argument that you won't win, it looks like she's already picked sides - so maybe be prepared to say "Oh there's the door, sorry gotta go" and then you can ring her back at your own leisure if/when you want to.

If she rings and catches you on the hop, if it's before the trial, you could always tell a white lie and say "The policy have informed me that I will be in contempt of court if I discuss this with you as we are both witnesses. So apart from all that, how are you?"