To have suddenly lost confidence in my parenting skills

[mrsbertiewooster]

Have been a mother for 4 and half a years now - DD, age 4 1/2, DS twins, age 20 months.

As most people can identify with, have had a busy, life changing, challenging few years. I went from being quite a self-conscious parent, always second guessing myself, to being kind of overly postive and gung-ho after the twins were born. I did a lot of the work myself and probably didn't ask for as much help as I should have.

DH works very hard in a busy corporatey job but is as supportive as he can be in the evenings and at the weekends. I work part-time in a teaching job, I have a creche at work and I collect my older daugher from montessori at around 2pm so am home all afternoon with the kids. I try and do as much playing/library visits/trips to park and playground/picnics in the backgarden as much as I can. The twins are in a good routine now and all children are sleeping very well at night.

But sometimes DD can be tantrumy still, although is starting school in Sept this year. I try my best to deal with it - tell her to sit on the stairs for a 'think', or no story at bedtime, etc. I hope she'll be school ready but they said in montessori she's doing great, I guess I just get the tired and/or naughty little girl when she gets home.

Also, the boys langauge is quite delayed (have a background in linguistics so know my 'onions' as it were) - they only have a few words, understand lots and babble trying to communicate.

I feel guilty that I didn't speak to them/play with them enough in their first year as alot of it was survival - on 2 hours sleep I'd plonk them on the chair while I get dinner ready/older DD seen to. However, in last few months have been making a conscious effort to speak to them as much as I can, and am doing a reading slot with them after dinner, around 6pm in the evening for 20 mins to help language development (although often they want to play/climb/run around)

Am worried DD will be ok in school, am concerned I've kind of caused the twins langauge delay by not doing enough? They seem like happy children, am I just being an anxious control freak?

DD says I'm being overly anxious about it all and 'that the children will be fine' whereas I believe you need to do your best to make sure you're parenting your children as best you can. (However, could also list all the houseworky things am not doing, although I try and prioritise play and good food)

Reading that back, I come across as very scientific about the whole thing, can I add that am much more affectionate and laid back than you'd think.

But lately am just feeling I've low confidence in my role as a mother. I think I'm doing a terrible job - other parents seem much more confident and purposeful methinks :(

well, I don't think I talk very much to dc2 due to general runnng around after dc1... and I don't have twins..
Sounds to me like ou are doing a great job!

It sounds like they're doing fine to me. If they understand what you're saying that's more important than numbers of words at the minute. If the nursery say your DD is fine then I would trust them.

You need to relax, it sounds like your re doing just fine.

Also don't twins sometimes have language delays because they communicate with each other in different ways?

You sound like you are doing a great job. Of course DD plays up at home if she's been behaving all day. She sounds normal. The twins babble to each other and understand what's going on around you? Sounds normal, too. 20 months is still very young.

Your family is much like the family of a colleague of mine, but his three are a couple of years older. The 6 yo girl doing brilliantly at school now she's started, and the 4 yo twin boys are perfectly able to communicate with everyone now.

It already sounds like you are doing your best.

I am sure your kids are fine but don't beat yourself up, you're concerned because you are a dilligent parent, I really respect how you are trying to address your children's needs. I also keep a mental checklist too of Things I Should Be Doing with Child A and Child B based on what they seem to enjoy, or seem to need at this time compared with last week, last year etc... The trick is to know when to stop! So if the twins really don't want to sit still for a story just leave it. But I am sure you know that.

Maybe ask the HV about the twins speech although I'm certain it's common - I know twins just shy of 2 years who have a handful of words only but are perfectly fine, I am sure I remember their mum saying late speech is common in twins. They're looking at each other a lot, rather than you perhaps, and would be even if they were your first babies.

Re. your daughter, I had a summer baby so he started school at 4 years 1 month and I was terrified for him, he could barely put his own shoes on, and was still babbling when tired. He coped fine, a few bumps along the way but reception teachers expect very little children doing what little children do.

I think starting school is a big leap for parents as well as children - I was anxious for a long time before he started... now I don't worry half as much, it's a steep learning curve for all..

So I don't think you're overly neurotic or anything. Or if you are I am too

You are doing great.
You are putting the effort in with your twins to help with their speech. I doubt you caused the deley and you are making up for any lost time now anyway.
Your Dd will be fine the montessori said she was doing great and children are usualy diffrent at home than they are in school.

"other parents seem much more confident and purposeful methinks" but the reality is they really do probably feel the same as you! You have know idea about other people's lives/thoughts or how they percieve themselves and it is always VERY dangerous to compare yourself to others.

Equally - others may look at you and think - wow she is SO great and I only have (2 kids, 1 kids) I can't possibly moan about my life to her!

I have 2 myself and regularly feel like I am not coping and being a terrible mother and if I new you I suspect I would think "look at her, she has three and she makes it look so easy....and she works!"

Put your worries aside - let them go! STOP thinking about the same thing over and over. If you prioritise play and good food that sounds AMAZING! And it is unlikely you have neglected your boys. If they do need some help with thier speech at some point in the future then so be it - but it is no reflection on your parenting!

the best way to deal with this is to look at your self as if you were someone else - what would you say to someone who came to you with this problem? I bet you'd be really nice to her. So be nice to you!

OP I recognise a lot of that in myself. I have 3 dc and the middle one (2 yrs old) has quite a bad speech delay, which constantly makes me worry whether I have done enough with him, whether he doesn't get enough attention, if it's my fault etc etc.. Sometimes I feel so so guilty, even though I know I do read with him, talk to him and try my best to do activities and fun things with all of them but if they are not developing properly you can not help but asking yourself if you could do more. It is hard to feel sure you have given enough of everything - attention, learning oportunities, one to one etc.. with 3 young kids close together. mine are not twins but just 3 singletons in 3 years, so it is similar but twins you must feel it even moreso i imagine.
We can only do our best, and i think feeling down about it sometimes does not help so when I feel like that i either try to remind myself of what i have been doing for him so i feel positive, or else make a plan and intentions of a few more activities to do the next couple of days, or else i would talk to one of my friends who always encourages me to feel like a better mum, so atleast it makes me feel more positive.
And there's no point worrying no about what you did or didn't do in their first year, as that's gone. But you sound like you are doing fine, i think if your dses didn't have the speech probelms you probably would not feel like this. It just causes so much guilt when there are any issues like that, as you can't help but wonder if you could have done things differently to help them more.. but anyway 20 months is still quite young so you never know they may pick up a lot by the time they are 2?
I hope things work out for you dont be too hard on yourself

Thanks all for the lovely encouraging posts.

Like that idea cabbage to imagine I'm talking to someone esle, a good strategy:)

I think parents role in playing/language development is so important, maybe I'm being too analytical about it all - I grew up in a family of 7 kids and my mother said we all turned out (half) normal

But it's difficult not to blame yourself when DC not reaching certain milestones. But maybe there's a delay with twins as posters have mentioned. Have read a lot about that - they seem much quieter when they're together, like they don't feel the need to communciate as much.

I think postitive thoughts are so important as a parent and to focus on the good we do, I think everyone at some point feels they never do enough....

It sounds like you're doing more than enough. Mine are 10, 7 and 5 and I feel like I've just come out of "survival mode". It's only now that I can actually parent the way I want to parent rather than flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants IYKWIM. Not to worry....and focus less on the perceived "delay"; don't forget kids are all different and develop at different rates .

I just hope your teaching role doesnt include English because if anyone IRL said tantrumy and corporaty to me, I would possibly kill them. It would be justifiable homicide.

Kids are baby goats. End of that.

Rest assured that you are absolutely positively and definitely not causing your DTs language delay. The only way to cause a language delay is to lock a child in silent room for their entire life. Even if you never said a single word to your sons, they are bombarded by language all the time, from the tv, from listening you and DH speak, from other people at nursery and on the street. It's normal to feel responsible, but you're not.

You sound like such a lovely mum! And busy with so many kids, running the house and a job. Of course you want to give everything and everyone 100%. I do too. I'm constantly setting the bar extra high but have recently learnt to treat myself the way a friend would. It helps to be a bit kinder to yourself. Think about the things you are doing right (well loved kids, steady home life, creative environment, reflective parenting etc) and make realistic plans to improve the areas that need working on. They say the first 7 years are the most formative years - so don't be too hard on yourself about having a hard first year. I think you will find there are many many women who find the first few years tricky but don't tell anyone. We all try to look like super women! One book that helped me with my pre-schooler was the complete secrets to happy children by Steve Biddulph. Also reading a book or two extra a day also really helped my kids language in the long run. Could you ask your hubby to help?

Blimey! You have a lot on your plate - You sound like a really good mum, doing an excellent job!

Mine are 14 & 8 now, but I remember after ds2 was born, getting ready for the 6 week check, at which they should allegedly be smiling. Ds2 had a perpetual face like a bulldog licking the pee off a nettle...

I tortured myself - It was my fault he wasn't smiling - maybe I didn't smile enough, I didn't pay enough attention to him - like scruffyterrier said, I felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants, trying to deal with two of them (only two! not three like you have!)

Oh! and I remember with Ds1 - he wouldn't lift his head up when prone- I have all these mad photos of me lying beside him, with my head raised, and an optimistic expression on my face as though to say "look! you can do it!"

Ds1 did lift his head up - and Ds2 did smile - right after his 6 week check - he is interestingly nicknamed 'smiler' in his class at school now...

Also like rhonda-jean said - I don't know much about twins, but sometimes they develop their own way of communicating, as they have each other, and the incentive comes later.

Re your DD - she sounds like she is doing really well at nursery - but that often means that parents get the fall out - the tantrums, the slight attitude - at nursery or school, they are concentrating, fitting in, sitting still, taking new stuff on board, and then at home, when they are a bit weary, they take it out on the people they feel safest with i.e - you! It is a compliment to your parenting skills that she feels safe with you, but you are absolutely right to keep the boundaries.

You have to be a good enough parent - not perfect -you sound like you are doing a brilliant job!