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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to never go out of my way for any of my family/ in laws again

16 replies

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 13/03/2012 20:00

I had dc5 4 weeks ago. She was a bit jaundiced so we ended up in hospital for 3 days. No one visited or called me at all. DH arrived just after she was born (she came very quickly he just didnt get there in time) then had to leave to kook after the others but he didnt bother coming back until i was discharged. I have a father and sister who live too far away to visit but my dad actually hung up on me when i called to tell him the baby had been born as it was too early in the morning. None of the in laws visited or called - we have been together 12 years i thought they may have done tbh.

I sat in my own in hospital for three days. And when i got home they all seemed to expect me to be fine with that. Actually im not. Dh was apparently too busy working even though MIL had offered to look after the children while he visited (to be fair to her).

Up until this point i thought i had a reasonable relationship with dh and nice family but now it seems as though i have been let down at the only time i have needed them in a while!

Would i be unreasonable to refuse to go back to normal especially with dh and my dad who are the people i actually expected to at least make some token effort to support me a little.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/03/2012 20:03

YAB a bit U, but I suppose after having 4 already, the novelty has worn off for them, and I expect they think you are a dab hand at coping...

The one person who should be helping you, who has a duty to help you, is the father of these children, and if he is not pulling his weight, it is him you need to confront.

MatureUniStudent · 13/03/2012 20:04

No - hugs. They were harsh and I am sorry. Enjoy dc 5 though! lucky you.

GravyAndALumpyMashBaby · 13/03/2012 20:04

You poor thing! They are twats. I'm no help I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know I would not be ok with this either and you sound like a bloody saint for not throwing him out already.
:(

Congratualtions on your beautiful baby though! Thanks

YANBU

Hebiegebies · 13/03/2012 20:04

I fully understand your hurt. Trouble is by being upset the only person you are really hurting is yourself and you are missing out on wonderful time with your newborn.
Talk it through with your HV if you don't feel you can talk about it with your DH.
I feel for you and am cross on your behalf, but try and let it go and concentrate on the positives

Spuddybean · 13/03/2012 20:05

So sorry to hear that. Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I would be very upset, especially with DH if i were you.

What have DP and your dad said now? Are they sorry or do they think they behaved well?

scarletforya · 13/03/2012 20:06

That's absolutely awful OP. Congratulations on your new baby btw.

I think you should let them know how hurt you feel. I also think you should tell your Dad how hurtful his hanging up on you was.

Icelollycraving · 13/03/2012 20:07

Not ideal at all. Did you bounce back v quickly with the other children? Perhaps your dad is less excited as you are on no 5. Perhaps your dh was a bit overwhelmed with looking after the other dc.
Let me make it clear,that doesn't make their behaviour right but may be their thinking.
How are you feeling apart from that? Congratulations on the new baby!

ceeveebee · 13/03/2012 20:09

It must have been awful to be in hospital with no visitors for 3 days. Is there any possibility that your inlaws and family were staying away as they didn't want to intrude (there are many threads on here where new mums complain of having too many visitors too soon). But that does not excuse your DH who should have arranged alternative childcare so that he could be with you.
I hope your dd is better now.

Original poster
Dirtydishesmakemesad · 13/03/2012 20:17

Spuddy - i havent spoken to my dad, theres no point he is often in a world of his own anyway! My dh just doesnt seem to understand why i may have liked him to visit. He wasnt looking after the children alone MiL was he works at home on the computer so he was here but didnt have to look after the chidkren or do the housework etc. so actually i am deeply grateful to her i should have put that in the first post.

Icelolly - with the otehrs i have been in had them and out again and pretty much back to normal, dh normally sees the birth goes home for a sleep then comes and gets us and i have a few days rest (he normally takes paternity leave but since we now run our own business he didnt this time) then its pretty much back to normal. This time we were in hospital longer.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 13/03/2012 20:19

Is he a creature of habit? Maybe he thought you would come home & just crack on?

Spuddybean · 13/03/2012 21:37

Well dirty i would make it very clear to him that you are hurt and why. He doesn't have to agree with why but at least he should understand and try to make you and the baby feel special now. As for the others, just accept people aren't that bothered sometimes i suppose. It's rubbish - but i'd focus on explaining to DH if i were you.

Try to be happy for yourself and you gorgeous baby tho. :)

Pandemoniaa · 13/03/2012 23:22

Is this the same DH who plans to bugger off to his parents' house on Mother's Day and leave you home alone with your 5dc?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 13/03/2012 23:30

You were in hospital for three days after giving birth to a jaundiced baby and even your DH didn't visit you? Shock

And your Dad put the phone down on you because it was too early? What time did you ring?

YANBU at all.

bobbledunk · 14/03/2012 01:01

You poor thing, I can't imagine how alone you must have felt, yadnbuSad.

Congratulations on your new baby. Focus all your future energy on taking care of yourself and your children and don't be bothered going out of your way for those who would leave you alone in hospital for three days with a sick babyShock.

Perhaps you could let your husband know how much he hurt you and how you abandoned you felt in the hospital?

Hope all goes well for you.

Boomerwang · 14/03/2012 01:11

There's no chance that there were some crossed wires, is there? Perhaps he thought you are used to it all, have a stoic approach, don't need hand holding etc. He's obviously made an error of judgement. Is he likely to apologise?

I do wonder if there's underlying reasons for your ILs and DF to be so casual and apparently uncaring. What were their reactions when they found out you were expecting DC5?

It does sound to me like there might be some regrets all round if you speak up. That's not to say you shouldn't, because you need them to know that you expected more from your own family.

kipperandtiger · 14/03/2012 01:34

Congratulations on your baby's birth, OP. Yes, they were out of order. They should have been more considerate. When you can spare a moment, let your DH know how you felt about what he did. He might have a reason - eg he might have had difficulty coping with the kids on his own and could not get in (although that's a bit pathetic) or maybe there was no reason, and hopefully he will apologise. Give the inlaws (except MIL) a wide berth for 3 months (ignore birthdays etc) and then go back to normal. When your father next rings, hang up on him too. Then go back to normal.

I do wonder if there is a slight bit of jealousy about you having a fifth baby. I know this sounds irrational, but I have seen people do it. Were they supportive when they found out you were pregnant with DC5?

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