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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to cry that we are giving up storage space when my DH is a hoarder?

84 replies

MooncupandPizza · 13/03/2012 01:06

I honestly could cry. Our playroom/office space is filling up with his crap and, though this is not its final resting place, it is depressing the hell out of me as it's never going to be able to be as out of sight as it was. (conversion of the store room to more living space)

We moved here about 8 months ago and I was just feeling like things were coming together and looking a bit organised - it's not anymore.

woe is me.

OP posts:

LauraShigihara · 13/03/2012 13:29

I have put my own stuff out for the recycling and found that it has been retrieved because 'You can't throw that away'.

God, yes, DH will rummage through all the bags if I am taking stuff to the tip and pull out crap and declare that it's useable. Broken toys, ornaments with no heads, jigsaws with pieces missing, old batteries ('I'll test them'), ripped books.

When he lived with his parents, they had a tiny house and lots of kids so the children had nothing because there was no storage space. I assume that is why he keeps everything so I am quite tolerant but it is disheartening.

BenderBendingRodriguez · 13/03/2012 13:30

Although at least things never got as bad as they did with my (dreadful, spiteful, abusive) grandfather. When he died, my dad had to clear his flat out: two broken Betamax (!!) video players, countless plastic bags of Somerfield receipts dating back to the 70s, moth-eaten clothes that had been hanging in the wardrobe since my dad's childhood...there were mouse droppings all over kitchen and the carpets had dissolved into fag-smelling fudge.

My dad's car stank for weeks after he'd finished the job.

WaitingForMe · 13/03/2012 13:35

I'm an anti-hoarder. Both stepsons have Birthdays coming up and I told them we needed to create space for new toys. The eldest (6) understands the logic and was pretty helpful, the youngest (3) likes sorting into categories so we had 'big boy toys' and 'baby toys.'

DH got a room to himself when we moved. It's pretty tiny but I designed a beautiful floating desk, bought loads of funky storage and put in gorgeous lighting. He loves his man-cave and was most upset when I broke to him that that was where his clutter would be living. He got rid of half of it in order to keep the clean Mad Men styling.

I think I deserve an A+ in each ruthlessness and manipulation

porcamiseria · 13/03/2012 13:48

"How about buying him a few hours with a professional declutterer for his next birthday/Christmas present?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, i can just see their face! DP would NOT like that

he is a clutterer too

MardyArsedMidlander · 13/03/2012 14:19

I am also a reformed hoarder- and have to say this threa d is also making me feel a bit panicky.

The day I got myserlf togther and sent 25 bags of clothing to the rag man- I actually felt wonderful! It was such a sensation of liberation. Just reading this has made me want to start clearing the house again.
I still have lots of ornaments and books- but no more holding on to utter crap 'because you never know'...

JasperJohns · 13/03/2012 14:23

I can't bear hoarders.

My mil is one and my dh would be, if he got the chance.

I throw his stuff out when he's not here. I don't think he has ever noticed. I also do this for my mil!

Gusthetheatrecat · 13/03/2012 14:24

Glad I'm not the only person reading this who feels suddenly desperate to start throwing things away!

halcyondays · 13/03/2012 15:52

Interesting thread. Can any of you reformed hoarders tell me what it was that prompted you to change? And how long did it take for you toget rid of your clutter? Did you do it gradually or go mad and do a big blitz?

exaltedwombat · 13/03/2012 16:00

He's ALLOWED to hoard, you know! A house is for doing things in, and having stuff in, as well as for looking at!

WilsonFrickett · 13/03/2012 16:07

I just got rid of thousands - literally thousands - of books. Broke my heart but does mean I can now occupy - ta dah! The moral highground of hoarding!. I have been throwing stuff out like a maniac. The hideous 80's light we took off the hall? - binned (DH: but I was going to use that in the cupboard under the stairs. Me: no, no you weren't). Random packets of screws? Begone! End thingies from a curtain pole that don't fit the curtain pole and we don't like anyway? Off with them...

I am having sooooo much fun

Bonsoir · 13/03/2012 16:10

Getting rid of the vast majority of my books (full of ideas that I no longer needed) was a complete liberation for me.

pinkappleby · 13/03/2012 16:21

I don't think I will ever understand hoarding, it so completely selfish, it is beyond me. I don't mean the poster who said she had china collections in cabinets and crafts in drawers, I mean people who fill up rooms/garages/sheds with shit or duplicate things.

Other people could use that stuff, once it has been hoarded it becomes useless. We are stopping even putting things in the loft because we have had too many things come out not working or slightly spoilt. If it is going in the loft/shed/garage then think how someone who has nothing could use that old tv/lawnmower/phone. Sell it or pass it on, don't leave it to become useless.

Just remember that when you are dead someone else is just going to throw it all in the tip. Then they have to grieve and deal with junk. If you make one folder of your kid's art work they will likely keep it and show it to their kids, keep it all and it will go in a skip that they have to pay for.

Bonsoir · 13/03/2012 16:23

Hoarding can often be a sign that people are desperately hanging onto the past in other ways - relationships, lifestyles, values - that are equally pointless. Hoarders tend to have chaotic minds and, yes, to be selfish.

KatAndKit · 13/03/2012 16:59

A house is for living in as well as storing stuff in. If everything has to be minimalist just so it is nice to look at then that might be too far the other way if nobody is allowed to keep stuff that is meaningful to them.

But if collecting useless stuff from the last century that is neither meaningful nor is ever going to be used again means that whole rooms of the house are then out of action (no guest room, no playroom, no possibility of a home office, can hardly get in bedroom except to the bed etc) then that means you are no longer able to use your home for its primary purpose as a dwelling not a storage depot and something has to change.

Also just because something is "useable" is not a reason to keep it. If YOU aren't using it and are not going to use it then get rid of it.

valiumredhead · 13/03/2012 17:25

I would throw stuff out - if it's that bad will he actually notice?

skybluepearl · 13/03/2012 17:26

what they saying - only keep things that you consider useful or beautiful

valiumredhead · 13/03/2012 17:30

I agree pink

Having just cleared a relative's house after they died, I am very aware someone will have to do it for me one day!

BenderBendingRodriguez · 13/03/2012 22:18

halcyondays for me it was a gradual process, tied up with my gradual (ongoing) slog out of deeply entrenched mental health issues. I wasn't an especially accumulative hoarder, but more one who hung on obsessively to the stuff I had, thinking it meant something to me.

I didn't realise for many years that I was depressed or that I was clinging onto these things for no reason. Getting together with DH was the start, really; he's very organised, likes decluttering, and is also very kind. Over the ten years we've been together I have come to see his point of view I am happier for all sorts of reasons, and thus happier to chuck; also, chucking stuff out makes me happier. It's the opposite of a vicious circle. A soft circle :)

Ingridvm · 13/03/2012 22:44

Pusheed - I loved the humour in your message and I can tell you as a 'don't throw that away, someone may be able to use that' - person, this is what would convince me that I can part with it! I have, for example, a box full of kids shoes that don't fit anymore, but can't throw them away as there are others who might be able to use them. Somewhere in the loft I have put bags full of baby clothing, as throwing them away is a waste. Thankfully now one of our friends is expecting a girl, so I can let go :-). I find that the more I get 'told' to do something about the 'mess', the less likely it will be that I actually do something about it. A sense of humour and a 'how about I take the kids out and cook dinner tonight, so you have some time to sort some boxes out or I'll take you out tonight may swing me into action :-)

Pusheed · 14/03/2012 00:01

Ingridvm - Maybe we should form a support group :)

This thread has made be want to swing into action. I mean, I've read posts from some serious serious hoarders and I'm thinking that is me in 10 years time :)

I got two crate of cables from the VHS players/DVD players/cameras/PCs I've had over the years. I'm in a rational mood at the moment and I am struggling to think of a scenario where I might need 5 scart cables.

Anyway, my aim tomorrow is to clear out two Tuff crates.

tribpot · 14/03/2012 00:03

Good for you, Pusheed. Cables are one of the things my DH finds most difficult to let go of. I think because they don't explicitly belong to one thing, therefore by definition they are 'useful' to 'lots of things' (lots of things from the mid 1980s, yes).

You can always Freecycle them by the crate to some willing geek who can use them for rebuilding BBC Micros or summat!

bobbledunk · 14/03/2012 01:28

Hoarders only get worse over the years, they have a mental attachment to their junk and it becomes stronger as it accumulates. Nip it in the bud now. Get everything you don't need out of the house, dump it to charity (for usable stuff) or the rubbish tip.

Get him professional help if you need to, give him a couple of years and you won't be able to walk into the house, you don't want it getting to that stage. Sort it now. Good luck

rogersmellyonthetelly · 14/03/2012 07:18

I agree, compulsive hoarding of junk is an illness. Craft stuff, old photos, things like that, sure they have uses, but my mil used to bring home other people's broken stuff, she also had newspapers dating back to before dh was born piled up in the hallway when I first met dh when he was 25! She kept them on the basis that she needed them to line the cats litter box, but the cat had been dead for several years at this point.
Thankfully dh living with junk in the house while growing up has left him slightly phobic of clutter and mess, so the rule is in our house if you haven't seen it in 6 months a d you haven't looked for it or missed it in that time in the bin it goes. Only exception is summer and winter clothes which go in bags in the spare room. Everything else goes on freecycle that way it's not being thrown away and someone else really will get chance to use it!
Way I explain it to my mil is that she isn't using it, so it should go. She then argues that someone else might want it, it might be useful. So we put it on freecycle and Sometimes it is taken, sometimes not. If its not taken, I can convince her that if it was useful, someone would have taken it, therefore it can go to the tip.
Don't get me started on yoghurt pots though, she has 4 cupboards full in the kitchen meaning the pans and plates are stacked up on the side so she only has about 20 cm of space to prepare food. She can't even use the microwave as that is full of recipes she has cut out of magazines and stored!
We did get very tough when the kids started having sleepovers, the piles of newspaper had to go as they were a fire hazard and a tripping hazard on the stairs, also the spare room had a set of bunk beds like an island in the middle of yet more stuff. I refused to let them sleep until the floor was cleared. It keeps on creeping back in though, I have to do a surreptitious check when I visit the loo to make sure.

Fecklessdizzy · 14/03/2012 10:08

I love you lot

If you don't love it or use it, it's clutter. I'm going to get that tattooed on my forehead. I'm now turning off the 'pooter and throwing myself at the towering crap pile taking up half the kitchen.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/03/2012 10:26

DH has hoarding instincts because he comes from a very poor background (rural North Africa) where they tend to hang on to broken stuff because maybe it can be repaired (except it never is!). I normally put a time limit on items - if its still unfixed /unused in 3 months its going in the bin. I have on occasion had to reclaim something he had removed from the bin (my shoes with a hole in the sole) and rebin it.

I think if you attribute sentimental value to what is essentially junk then you are devaluing those items that should truly have sentimental value. We have given away our baby clothes to DH's family and I have just kept one item for each child that I particularly remember them wearing.

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