To be fuming with how DS is being treated by his grandparents.

[FrothyDragon]

This may be a little long and ranty. But it needs to be.

I left DS's father in 2009, following four years of abuse. As a result of death threats, and feeling I had a lack of support, I moved pretty much cross country, but have tried to keep relations with the ex's parents civil. As a result, they've seen DS once a year for the past three years; twice, they came down for a weekend, and saw DS for about three hours each time. Last year, we visited them for an extended weekend. We were due to visit them again this year.

We had a letter come through over the weekend, and I've been silently fuming since. They've informed us, in said letter, that DS's grandfather has cancer (they've known since January, but waited until March to inform us) and have informed us, that because DS's GF will be undergoing chemo, they won't be seeing DS this year, at all. (They're still seeing their other grandchildren who live closer) They don't phone to see how DS is, yet they expect a card and cheque for his birthday and Christmas to be sufficient to let DS know they're thinking of him. I've stopped phoning them, as I was tired of being the one to put all the legwork in. I'll probably get flamed for that by a couple of users, but it became apparent whilst I was revising for exams, resits and doing assignments, that they didn't phone once during a two month period. I gave it another month. Still nothing. I actually feel hurt on DS's behalf; it feels like he's been reduced to nothing more than a name on a Christmas card and birthday card list. AIBU? :(

yanbu. He's their grandson and should be treated the same as the others.

Is he young enough that they are "out of sight, out of mind"?

I think YAB a bit U, but I can understand why you feel so hurt, after all the effort you have put in to maintain the relationship (clearly not for your own benefit).

I guess, from their pov, maybe some/all of the following apply:

• gs (and you) visiting for an extended weekend (for which read "having 2 nearly strangers in the house for several days who we have to keep entertained/fed etc") is going to be exhausting, and might be too much for gf to deal with

• they probably feel fairly uncomfortable/guilty that their son turned out to be a complete loon who tried to kill you. Your visits, despite your good intentions, must be challenging for them emotionally

• there is a difference between brief visits from gc with whom they have a regular relationship and a hefty once-a-year stay from a child who they barely know

• why should they do more than a card/cheque etc a few times a year? as you say, they don't/can't have a close relationship with your ds, and he is is (as I said above) a reminder of bad behaviour on the part of their own ds.

I suggest you back off (gently) and accept that they simply aren't that interested, for whatever reasons, in your ds. Of course you can feel angry about that (of course you do....you're his mother, you know how special he is, dammitall, and you've been so good about trying to enable the whole thing) but you simply cannot make people want to engage, if they're not interested.

Spend your time and energy with your own family, if you can, or building links within your own community. HTH.

YAabsolutelyNBU! Not at all. He's being treated unfairly and that's all there is to it.

Arrangements could be made even given his GF's situation.

He's four, Pluto. So, not sure. He doesn't seem to remember them atm, as before the letter came through, I'd asked if he wanted to see Nanny and Grandad in the city where they live. He corrected me and pointed out that Nanny and Grandad (my parents) live in a different country, and we have to go on the plane to see them. It feels like they've let him forget about them, and I'm unsure as to how much I can discuss them without DS wondering why they don't see him, or phone, like my parents do. :(

I can completely understand why you're fuming, Frothy, especially since it seems you've put in a huge amount of effort to try and encourage and maintain this relationship in what must be incredibly stressful and difficult circumstances.
But I think Fillybuster makes some good points.
Perhaps it's not so much that they're simply not interested as that they can't manage the difficulties of being the parents of the father who behaved so horrifically. Possibly they are scared that as your son grows older and is more curious about and able to understand the history of their side of the family, they will find trying to talk about or 'explain' their relationship to him intolerable. And so perhaps for that reason they're now backing off before this can happen.
And I'm guessing that there's so much that's unsaid, that broaching the devasting news of cancer and chemo with you was just too much for them at that time.

There are loads of shit grandparents out there. It is disappointing, but tbh you should just let it go, life is too short

Lots of gps are much worse with much less reason is the sad reaity

yabu! he has cancer.they have bigger fish to fry!

Ariadne, even before they discovered the cancer, hardly any effort was being put in on their part.

I can understand everyone's points about how hard it must be, because of varying factors, but why should my DS be made to suffer as a result? Why should it be that, however many years down the line, he'll wonder why his GP's never phone, hardly ever see him, or whatever.

I know I sound completely U to some, but surely my DS shouldn't be cut out of their lives, pretty much, for those reasons. There's ways around the visit thing; there's no end of hotels in their area, and if it meant staying in a Travelodge for a few nights, I'd be willing to do it. But it seems that I'm the only one willing to put the effort in. :(

it is hurtful but i am guessing they are hurting too. their son caused this and no matter what he has doen he is still their child so a lot of conflicting emotions

at times it just makes it easier to cut people out of your life and this maybe one of those times and time for you and your ds to move on with yours

he will be fine if you are fine with this and maybe a few years down the line he may want contact with his fathers family or maybe not let him decide when he is older

How old is your DC? How old are the other grandchildren? If you are undergoing chemo you can be advised not to be in contact with small children as they can increase your chance of getting an infection which you can't fight.

Fillybuster makes some really good points, and one of them might also apply to you. If contact with your DS reminds your XILs of their son's worse nature, surely contact with them reminds you of the same? Therefore you probably have
(a) some serious (and rightly so) but suppressed (for the perceived good of your DS) anxieties about the relationship, and
(b) potential for worsening resentment as your anxieties are not acknowledged or met by equal effort on the other side (after all, you would not be blamed for cutting out people who reminded you of the traumatic past with your ex!).

If your DS could be hurt by the realisation that his GPs don't care much for him, and if you are hurting yourself by denying your own emotional needs from the relationship (being a better person than your ex, putting yourself in an uncomfortable position for the sake of your child, etc. ), it might indeed be better to give up on the relationship unless and until the GPs resume it. When/if that happens, if it's too late not to cause distress to your DS, you can choose to reject the contact, again with your DS's best interests at heart.

No matter what the solution is, though, it will probably hang heavy on you.

how are they being unreasonable. The guy has cancer and doesnt want to trek cross country to see their grandchild.

He is treated differently because he is further away. It takes alot of time and money to keep going backwards and forwards and when you are seriously ill something like that is just not going to happen.

You chose to live really far away not them. So if you wanted them to see your child more then either pull your finger out or accept the fact that he will be seen less.

Are they now trying to make peace with their son, your ex, now that his father is dying?

Them not wanting to travel is perfectly acceptable. Perhaps your ex or other family members are going tobe around and they don't need the hassle of an atmosphere.

Your MIL may be saying goodbye to her husband and this may be the last Easter/summer etc that she spends with him, likewise regardless of what her son has done, he is still their child, there will be alot going on in her head, cut her someslack.

How do you know that they will be seeing the other grandchildren as much? I would guess that they won't be.

Grandparents are funny creatures. You have the kind that really want to be involved with their gcs and you have the kind that don't and some that are somewhere between.

I lived thousands of miles from my maternal grandparents and felt they were very caring and loving. I had cards and money for birthdays and Christmas and spoke on the phone with them about twice a year. They visited us every couple of years and we did the same.

I also had my paternal GM who lived 5 miles away and saw her even less than my maternal GPs. My DD was one of 11 so I had lots of cousins and her lots of grandchildren. We were not all treated equally - she clearly had her favourites. I always heard how wonderful my cousin Karen was. According to my GM the sun shone out of Karen's backside. I never heard a bad thing said about Karen and was clearly not capable of ever living up to my GM standards. I am not the only GC to feel this way. So in the end I gave up trying to forge a relationship with this GM at an early age. Years later when I had my first child and lived thousands of miles away, I tried again for some kind of relationship when visiting my hometown. Was shot down again - Karen had had a baby just before me and she was clearly uninterested in my PFB. I never went again. It is only recently that some of my Dad's family even met DS2,3&4. (17yrs later).

My best advice - you can't forge a relationship with someone who doesn't want it. So just accept the cards and money at birthday and Christmas and send a thank you note.

minimisschief, I would have been the one trekking cross country, not them. I would have been visiting them. I sure as hell wouldn't expect them to travel cross country whilst he's ill. I'm not that much of a bitch.

birdsgottafly, if it IS terminal, I haven't been told that part. I don't assume cancer = terminal, as my brother is a survivor.

Lopsided, I know for a fact my ex's niece and nephew are still spending every other weekend round there at the moment.

mumof4sons, sorry to hear about your GM.

I know I'm going to have to give up on this. :( But it still feels like I'm letting DS down.

when you are ill you want people you know well round you not the stress of people you hardly know.This isn't about your ds and you, it's about your fil facing the biggest fight of his life.

Why not get your DS to draw a get well card for the GF and send it? That will show them you still want to be involved with them and put the ball back in their court so they can get in touch when they're ready.

FWIW I split with my DS's dad after he cheated on me while I was pregnant and he hasn't been involved since. DS's paternal GPs aren't interested in him either, and we've not heard from them since his 1st birthday. No birthday cards, nothing. No big loss imo. If they don't want to be involved you've not failed your son - they have.

You're not letting your ds down
It takes 2 to make a relationship and if the GPs don't want to put the effort in for whatever reason then you need to accept this. Lots of gps have far less of a reason than cancer tbh.

There are zillions of crap gps, OP. I know you find it hard to understand why this is - stop trying to. Just accept it. Your son will have a great life and there is more to life than involved gps.

You can't fix this one for your ds.

Frothy - I feel your hurt. So much so I take pleasure in the only time the GP's might actually deign to phone on the DGC birthdays to pull the phone out of the wall. But it is you that hurts, and probably not your DC - mine are older and tell me they don't care that one set of GP's seem not to give a toss. I agree, it is me that hurts more than the DGC as I feel it is a slight to them and a slight to me. But.... there is nothing I can do about it.

So - don't feel it - people do not behave how most of us expect them to behave and feeling pain because of it, always makes me feel that they win.

My DCs are pretty much ignored by my brother. Not so much as a birthday card or christmas card.

I get more steamed up about it than they do. So, while I think YANBU to be annoyed by the whole situation, I think your DS will come out the other side of the family situation without being hurt by it. I just tell my DCs that their uncle is a long way away and it isn't that he doesn't care about them, just perhaps is forgetful and is very busy. A rational answer placates them and TBH they rarely talk about him anyway.