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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish all the Mother's Day stuff would f*** off?!

33 replies

StarryEyedMama · 12/03/2012 17:08

It's the first Mothers Day without my mum, the anniversary of her death in April. I found my 30th Birthday hard enough (only a couple of months after she died) and Mothers day is looming around the corner - I didn't think (selfishly) when my mum was around how difficult it was for others to see/hear about all of this stuff. I know I've got to put on a "face" on Sunday so that DD and DS can enjoy the day but frankly all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

Sorry I know this is a very whingey post - just needed to vent! I know I need to man up and realise I'm damn lucky in so many ways.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 17:10

Sorry to hear this Sad

It's a very sad day for me too but you do eventually learn to cope with it

It's not easy though.

Original poster
StarryEyedMama · 12/03/2012 17:14

Thanks Worra - I'm guessing it's just another thing that time will help with? Hope you have a nice day despite everything. I'm hoping it will a nice day weather wise and then I can go for a long walk!

OP posts:
mum80 · 12/03/2012 17:39

So know how you feel. My mum 1st Anniversary was yesterday. I am dreading Mother's Day again. Spending it with in-laws. Last year was especially sad with ds asked me if it was my best Mother's Day ever.
My birthday is imminent too. last year I had a dippy girl in the building society where I was sorting out mum's affairs if i was looking forward to my birthday. Sorry it is hard. I am hoping it will get easier.

SauvignonBlanche · 12/03/2012 17:43

The first one is the hardest, this year is my second and it's not as bad - so far!

Haribojoe · 12/03/2012 17:46

Sorry for your loss Sad

I found the first mothers day the hardest, like you I felt I had to put on a brave face for the kids when really I just wanted to hide under the duvet.

Though I still find it hard it has got a bit easier so try and hang in there Smile

2shoes · 12/03/2012 17:47

yanbu.
sorry for your loss.

FruitShootsAndHeaves · 12/03/2012 17:51

I was not a mother when my mum was alive so it was just 'her' day then and when I became a mum it became 'my' day iyswim....as we never overlapped as mums, it is probably easier for me

but YaNbu, sorry about your mum Sad

EasyToEatTiger · 12/03/2012 18:13

So sorry to hear of your loss. Perhaps you could ask your children to do all the things around the house that you would normally do, so you can spend the day contemplating and feeling sad if you need to.

fabwoman · 12/03/2012 18:15

I am sorry for your loss Sad.

YANBU. I hate it too. My mother is alive but she left me in the street and I hate Mother's day as well.

Too many hates there. I guess that shows how I feel.

PutThatDownNow · 12/03/2012 18:16

I am sorry to hear that Starry

We lost my mum 5 years ago. I still dread Mothers Day but I will be plastering on a brave face for my DSs who make a great effort for me (or at least they'd better!!).

My mum's mum is still going strong and I try to spoil her as my mum would have done.

LumpyandFrumpy · 12/03/2012 19:08

I'm really dreading it too as we lost MIL last Wednesday and really don't want DH even more distraught than he already is. I'm planning on giving my DM her gifts on either Friday or Saturday and really playing down what day it is at home on Sunday Sad

tallwivglasses · 12/03/2012 20:12

Sorry to hear all these sad stories. I keep getting junk emails - 'tall, treat your mum with xxxx this sunday'. It makes me sad every time.

Still, this one one will be different because it's DD's first mothers' day as a mum.

ruddynorah · 12/03/2012 20:15

I find it sad too. Last year it really hit me that I had no one to buy for. I lost my mum when I was little and my gran brought me up. She died two years ago, so last year was the first year I thought wow, I won't be buying anyone a card or beautiful flowers, or nice jewellery, or little ornament.

squeakytoy · 12/03/2012 20:18

yanbu.. this will be my 3rd mothers day without my mum and it never gets any easier... the relentless adverts on tv just piss me off..

my dad died on Fathers Day, so that is another day that will never get better too... as I have both the day and then the date to remind me... it hits twice because FD isnt on the same date each year... :(

Original poster
StarryEyedMama · 12/03/2012 21:13

Sorry to hear I'm not the only one that finds this difficult. I'm also feeling the added pressure of looking after my Dad as my sisters and brothers are useless! Wish he could live with us - I feel so guilty that I can't see him as much as I need too. Going to see him on Sundsy which will be nice but didn't really want to go to the place my mum died on mothers day!!

Really hope we can all find some peace and smile on Subday despite missing our beloved mums.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2012 21:37

I really hope you feel better. I heard a great way of reframing the whole thing the other day. A friend of mine lost his mother on his birthday. He was playing with his band the night she died. He said two things. First, that she made sure she died on his birthday so that he would always remember her on a good day and think of his happy birthday memories with her. Secondly, that she made sure she died early that night so she could come to the gig afterwards.

He has managed to see things in such a wonderful way. That takes time though, so be nice to yourself.

jinsei · 12/03/2012 21:47

One of my team at work is going through this at the moment - the first anniversary of her mum's death just happens to co-incide with mothers' day. :( She has had a terrible year with the loss of her mum and various health problems, and I know she is really struggling - she lives alone too, so not much to keep her mind off it. I'd really like to do something just to say I'm thinking of her - would it be weird to give her a little plant or something?

I'm sorry you are having to go through this OP. :(

ramblingmum · 12/03/2012 21:52

My mum died 16 years ago so I use to it now, but I did get a bit upset with dh last year as he was making a big fuss about what to get his mum. In the the end said why don't you get her what I get my mum and shut up

QuestionTime · 12/03/2012 21:55

Me too. So much. My mum died a month ago. I'm only 26. Feel like my heart is breaking and can't cope Sad

Minshu · 12/03/2012 22:21

The first mother's day after I lost my mum, my boyfriend of the time (long since split up) asked me to get a card for his mum as he didn't have time!?!?

Mothers Day still gets to me after 17 years, but it's not as raw. Now that I am a mum, it's a different focus - but it feels a bit hollow or empty compared to what I expected.

I sometimes think that if I say how much I miss my mum I will not be able to hold it in anymore.

tallwivglasses · 13/03/2012 01:38

QuestionTime ((massive hug)) so sorry sweetheart.

There's so many threads on here about toxic mums. We were the lucky ones. In a lot of ways we've had it easy - great role models to help us follow in their footsteps. My only problem is I don't think I'll ever be as amazing as my mum - but I'm giving it my best shot!

ZeldaUpNorth · 13/03/2012 03:41

I could of wrote the op word for word (except my mam died in May) It was my 30th a few weeks ago and it was so sad for her not to be there :(

LookMaOneHand · 13/03/2012 04:20

My wonderful mom died when I was young and I also find Mother's Day to be a very difficult day. We always spend it with MIL and though I love her, I really would prefer to do nothing much related to the 'specialness' of the day.

There are so many people that struggle with Mother's Day. Not only those of us who have lost our mothers, but also those who long to be parents but struggle with infertility, and those who have suffered pregnancy loss, and those (like fabwoman who posted upthread) whose relationships with their mothers are in no way reflected in the sappy fluffy words on the Hallmark cards.

And when I think of how the day must feel for those who have suffered the loss of their own children... there aren't any words for that.

All of the above applies to Father's Day, too. I suppose whatever else we feel on those days, we do not have to feel alone in our wish that it would just hurry up and be over!

ChewingGum · 13/03/2012 04:55

So Sorry to all of you without your mums.

Those mums loved you dearly. Those mums would never wish to see their daughters feeling distraught on mothers day. So, hard that it is, raise a glasss to heaven, for all your mums will be waving back and smiling at you.

lottiegb · 13/03/2012 05:09

It does get easier with time, the first year is by far the hardest as you're experiencing everything afresh from a different perspective.

I've found that it becomes easier to ignore Mothering Sunday, over many years, as it's just not relevant to me. In fact my mother died two days before it and I'd already sent a card, which I found later and had arrived on the Saturday but, as the date moves every year, I remember the anniversary rather than particularly connecting it with this day.

I haven't experienced it from my own perspective as a mother yet but I think perhaps, I can just see it something children do, so a continuation of my childhood experience through the next generation, rather than highlighting any gap.

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