friend cancelling playdates by text with 30min notice

[Belleflowers]

DS just started in school. Over the last few weeks I've offered coffee & cake at my house after school drop off to a mum who has been chatty and friendly.

She is a mum of two, (her kids are same age as ours). Thought we could be friends, offer support to one another, etc.

So the playdate arranged for last Friday she said at last minute ah sorry I think we're going away that weekend. I said, no probs, do you want to come over monday mornijng instead? She said, yes!!! that would be lovely.

Today, at 9.30am I get a text from her saying, 'sorry I wont make it this morning' and that was all. No offer to do another day, no suggestion of anything else, not even a phonecall.

i saw her later at pickup from school, she gushed 'sorrrry about this morning, this 2 yr old of mine was screaming alll morning'. Needless to say I took the pathetic non confrontational route and smiled said ahhh you stopped your mumma having her cake and coffee today!!' and on I went to collect my son.

I know what it's like to have a screaming 2yr old, but wouldnt cancel a coffee with a friend over it.

I have been gutted all day about this, not just about the 'rudeness' of cancelling at short notice with no explanation, but that I had spent all evening yesterday cleaning the house and making a cake for our morning coffee. How stupid I was.

Someone offer any advice? I'm sure I'm being pathetic about this, but how can I handle future let downs? I need to be less sensitive, clearly.

thanks all

YANBU to be a bit miffed and disappointed if you were looking forward to it (and I know how isolating being at home with a toddler can be!). But I wouldn't hold it against her unless she keeps doing it. And don't make so much effort cleaning the house next time

She shouldn't leave it so late to cancel but you need to stop being so needy.

YANBU to be disappointed, but the other mum's toddler may have been having one helluva tantrum / she may find dealing with her in public difficult / she may have been knackered after the weekend / she may have not realised how important the date was to you / she may just be flakey.

Don't take it personally, and like MissP said, don't bother about cleaning the whole house next time

I am exactly like you, reaaaalllllllly oversensitive and easily hurt. I also see how you put 100% into a friendship and expect exactly the same back. Im like this too, and every time Ive done it I just get shit on basically. I dont bother with women friends anymore, I think theyre nice and good to meet up with occasionally but they always seem to do something hurtful!! lol its so silly in a way but if you are a sensitive person then that's just how you are, not your fault at all.

I can however understand that in the midst of a screaming toddler she may have been trying to text you whilst her kid was tantruming and hanging off her leg, hence why the text was so short and abrupt. Easy to interpret as rude when she most likely is not a rude person at all.

Just let it be and in future expect nothing off of anybody, because someone will always hurt you either pon purpose or by accident. The trick is not to take it too much to heart but accept that you yourself do get a bit hurt over these incidents. Personally I think its so nice that you have such high standards and made such an effort like cleaning the house and making cake! Wish you were my friend!! lol. anyway take it easy hun x

Don't take it personally and let her make the next move. Maybe you rather over planned how your friendship would go?

But at least your house is nice and clean, no?

Maybe you are expecting too much from this friendship? Are there other mothers at the schoolgate that you could invite round instead? You will probably need to toughen up though in preparation for the disappointments that school life might throw at our DS.

your DS we are not married of course!

What's the AIBU?

thanks all - you have sorted me out!

Grumpyplops - you hit the nail on the head re women friends, i find it all such TEDIOUS work trying to do the friendship thing, was bullied emotionally at school, couldnt get e hang of the whole uni thing, have had depression and major anxiety over things that normal people seem to just be able to do with ease. I do have several really good mates but who all live elsewhere, so I guess I'm just anxiously trying to get myself sorted with some kind of adult company locally - for my sanity- in the form of mothers with kids of the same age so kids can play together etc

Dilysprice - yes! nice clean house!

Will attempt to not give a flying fox next time, maybe the friendships will start rolling in if I dont care so much, or make so much of an effort. but I will agonise over what they think of me, so I guess in preparation for any let down, I make sure that everything is diligently organised. Eugh. Stupid.

The secondcoming - you are right, thanks yep, I've been there with the exhausted thing. She was probably wrecked after the weekend, as I was and I can now see where she was coming from

Still think though that I would have called to let the desperatelyfriendlycoffeeorganiser that my kid was driving me nuts and I was knackered, rather than stumble across some spokenveryquicklyexcuse at pickup...

red wine needed

and a thicker skin!how do you grow one of those again?

I don't think you can confront someone over cancelling coffee - maybe she really was having a horrible morning! I wouldn't bake a cake for something like that - just a packet of biscuits would be fine.

I would leave the ball in her court now.

Do you go to playgroups etc? They're a good place to meet people :)

It is annoying because you then have a day that you have no plans for. If you arrange a day with a friend, maybe have a back up plan of what you would do instead, them it won't matter so much if it doesn't happen for some reason, because you have something else to look forward to doing instead.

i thought about cancelling one the other day because dd2 had been a shitbag screaming incessantly from 6.30am-8.30am. no way would i take her out if it's going to be an ordeal for me, her and our host - what would the point be? it's really nothing personal.

Maybe she didn't want to inflict the tantrums on you.

My ds had been fighting naps and is extremely tetchy in the afternoons as a result. If he's not had a nap I will cancel meeting up with friends as its not worth it and not fair on them. Also ds just gets more and more wound up if I suddenly throw him in to an activity if he's that grumpy.

My friends cancel on me, I cancel on them. We don't hold grudges as its not worth it and damaging to our friendship

YANBU to be a bit pissed off - but unfortunately this stuff happens loads when at home with little kids ... I've experienced similar.

I think people just have different ways of conducting their lives as SAHMs - for me, having quite a few meetings scheduled each week has really helped me get through - I find it's nearly always easier to be with company. But then, my girls have always been pretty easy going, don't tend to have massive melt-downs etc ... (luck, not good management!). I guess for some people, they just retreat a bit when things are rough?

DH suggetsed thinking of the other women you keep company with (as a result of kids) as colleagues - with similar boundaries. Don't give too much of yourself. Try to have a world of some sort in addition to the school/at home world .... I know it's hard, though, especially when you were reaching out.. Good luck!