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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DS for the money back.

24 replies

Voidka · 12/03/2012 14:55

Its DS's birthday coming up - he will be 11.

On Saturday we went into town and he saw something he wanted to buy. I said that I would lend him the money and he could give it back with his birthday money. He was happy with this and he bought it.

He was talking to MIL and DH about it yesterday and they have both said that I am really tight (in a only half joking way) and MIL called me grabby

DS has no problem and is quite happy with our original agreement.

Am I being grabby?? We dont just buy stuff and things are tight for us at the moment. We already have his birthday gifts otherwise I would have offered to buy it for his birthday.

I feel a bit mean now.

OP posts:

paddlepie · 12/03/2012 14:57

How much was it? If it was a lot I would get him to pay it back, but if it's just a small thing I probably wouldn't.

redskyatnight · 12/03/2012 14:58

Well I am tighter than you, because I would have made him wait to buy it for himself (how can you be sure he will get birthday money?).

I think if that's what you've agreed and DS is happy with it, then there is no problem.

Original poster

Voidka · 12/03/2012 15:00

It was £13.

OP posts:

TheRhubarb · 12/03/2012 15:01

I think it's more out of order that your MIL said you were grabby! A parent's decision should be backed up, I wonder how your dh would feel if you questioned a decision he had made in front of your son?

Did your ds bring it up hoping that they would side with him so that he didn't have to give you the money back? I think that at the age of 11 he needs to realise that money doesn't come for free and that you cannot be expected to buy him things that he wants immediately, so your decision imo was the right one.

The main issue is the lack of support from your dh and MIL in front of your son. They had no right to do that.

Mrsjay · 12/03/2012 15:02

Its not grabby at all If your son was happy to pay you back then its nothing really to do with anybody else , I think i would have made him wait but you paid and he has to pay you back ,

scaryteacher · 12/03/2012 15:03

What's tight about it? I would be doing the same. I do this with ds each Christmas and birthday as we live in Euro land, so money is put into my UK account and I buy him something with it, if it's too much bother for the relatives to organise an Amazon voucher for him.

Original poster

Voidka · 12/03/2012 15:03

No - DS was showing MIL the item he got and it just came up in the conversation.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 12/03/2012 15:07

I would do exactly the same as you and be very annoyed with DH and MIL if they tried to 'over-rule' me. In fact this happened to me as well, DS wanted a crappy T shirt, only cost £5 but I said it needed to come out of his own money (he has plenty of T shirts) - DS was happy with the arrangement but DH then heard about it and said we should pay for his clothes, I disagreed and stood firm. Then found a £5 note in DS's room, he was very upset when I questioned him about it but eventually told me DH had given him the £5 for the shirt, but said 'not to let mum know'. I was doubly furious with DH for making DS be deceiptful about it.

Original poster

Voidka · 12/03/2012 15:28

Ragwort.

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 12/03/2012 15:33

Ragwort i would have been livid at that ,

bronze · 12/03/2012 15:34

I'm with you OP

As for your DH Ragwort I would have been livid

RuleBritannia · 12/03/2012 15:37

Children have to learn at some time about borrowing money means paying it back! MIL should have kept her nose out of it.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 12/03/2012 15:39

Ooh, this strikes a chord with me. Separated dh still currently pays our Sky bill and we were on the 'light' package which meant we had to stick to a limit each month. This we managed for a couple of years but dd (12) caused it to go over a couple of times with excessive YouTubing and Facebooking (mainly watching video links people had posted). Couple of months ago she absolutely caned it and used 30% of month's allowance in 3 days so now we have been moved to the higher tariff which is an extra £7.50 a month. I had warned her beforehand that she would have to pay her dad this amount out of her allowance, but he then says to her "Well it's not just you benefitting from the unlimited broadband, perhaps mum could contribute too!"

This sort of thing is one of the reasons we are separated!

I don't think you are being tight at all. I am inclined to be very tight as my children seem to think there is no limit to funds and it seems to be a source of shame to dd to say we can't afford something.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 15:40

Voidka - nothing wrong with it at all. MIL was rude to interfere.

Ragwort - are your DH's bits still attached? Git.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 15:43

LieIns - sadly separating doesn't mean you get to walk away from all of the behaviour that makes you want to separate in the first place - that's crap isn't it! Tell DD, who can pass it on to her Dim Dad, that no, you wont be contributing, because you were happy to work with the limit you had.

ChitChatFlyingby · 12/03/2012 15:47

YANBU at all!

You should have said: "No, MIL, I'm not 'grabby' - I'm just teaching him the value of money. DH - why don't you give it to him out of 'your' allocated spending money then?"

And then later to DH - "If you ever undermine me in front of you mother like that again there will be absolute hell to pay, understood???!!!"

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 12/03/2012 15:47

new name for dh = DD (Dim Dad) as opposed to dd

DressDownFriday · 12/03/2012 15:55

Me and dh constantly disagree about this sort of stuff. I want Dd to understand the concept of money. In your situation I would have made him wait until after his birthday to buy the item.

Dd1 recently wanted some converse. She already has 2 pairs so I refused and she then agreed to buy them herself. Dh says we should be buying them and wants to give her the money back.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 15:59

DDF - does he want to adopt me?

Do all these Dads really think it's good for the kids to just get everyting they want, when they want it? Don't they have any idea how hard that will make life for their children when they have to start buying their own stuff - and the debt they are most likely to get into if they don't understand delayed gratification??

GetDownNesbitt · 12/03/2012 18:06

I do that with my 5 year old. He generally has more money than me anyway. I am trying to teach him the value of saving up for stuff - then, when he gets close to the amount I will offer him the last few quid as a top up gift.

Threeprinces · 12/03/2012 18:22

YANBU, just teaching your kids how money works and that borrowings have to be repaid.

MyLittleMiracle · 12/03/2012 18:32

Or you could have said, well he wanted this XXXX, and he is paying it back and to teach him the value of money, he is paying it back WITH INTEREST! That might shut them up

AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2012 18:37

Grabby?

What an awful thing to say about a child's agreement with his mother.

She sounds dreadful.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 13/03/2012 16:11

OP I've always done this with my DD (now 15) and boy has it paid off!

She saves up her pocket money and birthday/Christmas money if she wants anything expensive.

Sometimes she has asked me for money early but she always repays it.
If she needs extra she will do extra chores (by arrangement).

I think she is now better with money than I am - it's a very important life skill to teach them.

You are doing your DS a huge favour and I'd be having a discussion with your DH about how good parenting differs from parenting that feels good...

(btw I bet I go home now and DD asks for something like a new smartphone just to make a liar out of me)

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