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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so let down

13 replies

ginger19 · 12/03/2012 09:00

In my teens and early 2os I was part of a group of girls.Many of then had known each other since birth.It was a real community which I loved being part of...although in retrospect I always felt a bit of an out sider.

We partied A LOT.It was fun.I was the 1st of the group to get pregnant 5 years ago with 1 st ds.I was unceremoniously dumped. This hurt so much.It was a scary time for me.I put the behavior down to my experience being so different to what was going on in their cool urban lives....I have found making friends so so hard since having my kids.I feel so dumped and alone a lot of the time. I have tried to keep contact with a few of them.It is always me who makes the calls.I went round to a "friends" house and it was just so awkward and stilted.I left feeling worst than when I arrived. Have any of you been dumped by your friends after having a baby and found it hard to move on?

OP posts:
Fiendishlie · 12/03/2012 09:24

Judging by the threads on here it's very common indeed for women/young mums to feel very lonely and isolated. It is a common thread theme that many of us find it so difficult to make new 'mum' friends. Have you tried making new friends in the 'usual' places such as play groups?

CaoNiMa · 12/03/2012 10:07

Get some new friends! It's really as easy as that.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/03/2012 10:15

Ah poor you!

Forget about them. Get out there at playgroups and whatever and just start talking to people. That's what i do. I go round talking to complete strangers like a crazy person, but it works!

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 12/03/2012 10:33

Get yourself to some playgroups or child activities like swimming lessons, and meet some mums who are on your wave length.

Your old friends might look you up when they have kids, but if they can't be arsed now then they're not worth having.

Get some new mum friends. You'll have more in common, lots to talk about and meet up with and without the kids. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2012 10:38

You've not been dumped so much as you've matured and moved onto a different phase in life where you have responsibilities, whereas they're still at an earlier, immature phase which is quite self-centred. Guarantee if one of them has a baby they'll be back on the phone looking for a kindred spirit. That happened to me. :) In the meantime, try to make friends with people at the same stage of life you're in.

BackforGood · 12/03/2012 10:42

I agree with Cognito. The whole phrasing of your post is really odd. You've not been "dumped", you've just moved on and now move in different world from them. There's no need to be quite so dramatic about it.
Chat to people you meet through your LOs - playgroup / parent and toddler / school pick up / swimming lessons / etc. and make friends with people who are at the same stage as you in life.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/03/2012 14:34

I also think that mates that you go out on the lash with aren't necessarily real friends, more drinking buddies.

Where have you been going and doing to meet new people? I had a period of time when i lost all my friends and had to start again its rubbish! I found it very hard right up until i had children. Children are a good excuse to chat to new people!

NeedlesCuties · 12/03/2012 14:42

Yes.

I don't think all friendships are for life, it could be that the course of those friendships had run done.

I had that experience with a few friends, haven't seen most of them since DS was a baby and if I do bump into one of them she doesn't ask about him.

I agree with others who say that making new friends for this season in your life is a good idea.

You might need to be brave and start small, you can't beat yourself up about not having firm friends quickly.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/03/2012 14:50

When I had my first baby, I really didn't expect this sort of thing to happen and it came as a surprise to me that people I had been very close to, suddenly didn't want to be friends any more. It was my first real experience of friendships being conditional and not always lasting forever.

The thing is, it's their loss. Do you really want friends who behave like this?

The time will come, when they have babies and hopefully they will look back on their behaviour and feel shame, but either way, you are better off without them.

Original poster
ginger19 · 12/03/2012 22:22

I have been going to baby drop in group...

OP posts:
G1nger · 12/03/2012 22:27

We've all been 'dumped' by friends. I accept your phrasing. The new friends you're making may be even better. Are you based in London?

Original poster
ginger19 · 21/03/2012 09:58

yes. I am in London.HD is away, which makes me have more time on my hands. Thanks for your support....

OP posts:
tangledupinblue2 · 21/03/2012 10:31

YANBU.

This happened to me ginger. As well as being a first time mum, I was also a single parent in the middle of London. It was as if now I couldn't go out and party anymore, I was of no interest to them.
I didn't meet anyone for ages who I would have chosen to be friends with at mother and baby groups etc either, which was depressing.
It took me a good while to meet people who I wanted to establish friendships with, but it did happen.
Hope it gets better for you soon Smile
It is hard, I found it really upsetting. I was baffled by my friends' lack of interest or care. 11 years on I wonder if I was a bit boring because I was a bit baby focused, but I still think my friends could have forgiven me for that.
Perpaps if/when they have families of their own your old friends will filter back into your life...some of mine did with cries of " I don't know how you did it on your own!", and that was enough to allow me to forgive them for the hurt I'd felt by their behaviour at the time.

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