to decide when my dcs' friends can come over?

[GeorgiaMay]

A question about playdate etiquette really. When I was a kid it was very much the rule that you had to be invited to someone's house. You could call on them if they lived nearby, but only to invite your friend to play outside, not to invite yourself in. After-school play was arranged by the parents, and I knew that if I asked my mum in front of the other child, it was an automatic no as she didn't want to feel pressured by the other kid standing there.

So that's what I do with my dcs too. However, I frequently have kids coming up to me at the school gate asking to come over. Is this normal now? I don't like it, and my standard response is "what happens is that the mums talk to each other and we let you know when it's a good time to come." I would like to tell them it's rude to invite yourself over.

Yesterday at a kids' party one girl asked her mum in front of me if she could come and play with dd after school the next day. The mum looked awkward and replied that she was sure she could come one day this week. I felt pressured to agree to that, but didn't say anything. I don't have a problem with this girl coming over, but don't want to be told by her mum!

Can anyone tell me what is usual practice?

I don't know about now (don't live in the UK anymore) but I don't think you can go entirely on what you grew up with. When I was growing up in the UK it was different. We used to make all the arrangements then check with our own parents. Our parents didn't have any direct contact about arrangements. Or we'd call at each other's houses either for playing out or in, and if it wasn't convenient the parents would say so. If we were eating and it was ok for us to play afterwards, my Mum would ask the child to wait in the other room until we'd finished.

I don't think it's particularly rude for kids to invite themselves over. But I think they should go via the child, not direct to the parents. If I was asked direct by another child, I would want to check with my DC first in private (they might not want to see that child on that day) and I prefer my DC to check with me first too.

Children are a lot more open now with their wants. I'm afraid that's typical of society as a whole. Must have, want -a lot of people do think their childs needs, wants, desires are paramount

I spectacularly hate the doorstep challenge - they think if they arrive on a Sunday morning I will let them in. No. sadly thats ironing day and short people dashing round will just cause me much angst!

So, have you never called a friend and asked if it's OK to pop over?

These kids aren't inviting themselves, they are asking. That means they like your daughter and want to play with her, so what on earth is the problem?

If it's inconvenient, then say so. If the mother is there, just smile and say "Well, maybe we can arrange that sometime soon" and leave it like that. Please don't presume to tell other people's children that they are being "rude".

Yes, YABU.

I think it's okay for children to knock on my door, with or without their parents. If it's dreadfully inconvenient (e.g. we are about to go out) I say so.

However, you set the rules for your house.

When I grew up children made their own arrangements but the would-be host parent had no difficulty in saying no if it was inconvenient. A child would come and knock at my door and I would ask my mum if she wanted us to play inside or out (or if she wanted me for something else).

I'd say if you feel pressured it's your own fault.

My take on this is: it's your house - you make the rules. I decide when it's convenient for my ds's friends to come round, because if the friends are at my house then I am responsible for their safety and welfare. Also, not everyone has the same domestic arrangements or the same ideas about what is acceptable. That's fine and how it should be - and that is why it is preferable for parents to sort out playdates, not children. This naturally changes as they get older: my 13 year old makes her own arrangements, but still has to check the details with me to see if it is convenient; my 7 year old does not yet get much say in this stuff. If he had his way, the house would be full of his friends 24/7.

My mum had rules like yours growing up with random school friends. We all used to knock for each other to play out and we would be told if it wasnt a good time.

But Yanbu to want to decide your own rules.

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, it's nice that kids like my dd and want to come over.

There's a distinction for me between calling at the door on the off-chance I might let them in, and asking outside school for an arranged playdate involving lifts home etc. I just find it rude to ask and I think you should wait to be invited. The mums of the other dcs at school don't seem to have a problem with their dcs asking, but, judging by the tantrums which result if I don't allow a playdate, they have a problem saying no to their dcs.

We had one boy arrive at the door at 7.30am last Sunday! He seemed surprised when I told him it was too early to come in and play.

Everyone has such different ideas about what's acceptable - dd went to call on her friend at the weekend and was gone for over an hour. When she came back she told me her friend wasn't there, she was at another friend's house, and dd had sat and watched tv with the parents and baby brother! I wouldn't have done that.

I agree with you Georgia! We were always told to wait to be invited as children, but I also have kids asking me at the school gate if they can come to our house, and constantly knocking at weekends, initially asking our two to play out but after 10 mins pestering to come in! These kids don't take No for an answer easily

I also agree with the other poster who said kids in general are far more open and forthright about what they want these days! One boy who regularly comes round can be a pain! He always wants another drink, another biscuit, finds something in ds's cupboard still intact in its box from Xmas and wants to play with it. Me saying "We don't have the right batteries" means nothing! He'll then go and hunt through everything for batteries, making more mess despite being told No! When it's time to go home he'll discover he's lost something (normally tiny like a fun eraser or keying), like looking for a needle in a haystack in our house! He'll then get upset, I more or less showed him the door last time, saying "This happens every time, DON'T bring stuff over!"

He then says he's telling his mum as he thinks one of our kids has got it. They never have! It's just hard work with him and his parents tend to just stand by saying nothing if they're here and see him pestering us. Poss they don't think he's acting any different than how he does with them, but many kids I know wouldn't dream of behaving like that in someone's house!

GeorgiaMay

The rules you had as a child are the same here now.

DS's friends aren't allowed to just come in. I'm happy for them to call for DS. He's either playing out or not but you're not invited in and disturbing my peace and quiet nap on the settee.

It is always pre arranged with his friends mother if they're for coming round (its usually for tea though if this done). Though we do live in a small village so all school friends are local anyway.

We didnt have playdates at all when i was young, I'm 27 so not eons ago! We played with the kids in the street and dipped into each others houses alot, bit of a free for all really, but the 'street' was quite close, lots of us went on holiday together, parnets often had an extra one tag a long for day trips, or day tripped together etc. Was a fabulous childhood tbh, no parent politics, one reason I chose this house is because of all the young dc playing out together, i love it

I'm with you Babydubseverywhere - I really dislike this whole playdate thing. I'm 31 so not exactly ancient either and it was the same - you knocked around with the kids in the area, in and out of each others houses and it was pretty much up to the children to know what their parents minded/didn't mind. Heavens above - all this stuff about arranged dates and stuff - it sounds so stuffy and formal!

From primary school onwards, I different arrangements with different friends. Friends that lived in my street - we'd just call on each other, or pretty much know we'd see each other all outside straight after getting changed after school. We'd all play in the street, in each others gardens or in one another bedrooms. We all pretty much had the same tea times so would generally begin to disperse around the same time so no danger of over-staying one's welcome.

For school friends that didn't live near, an invitation would generally come via the child i.e. do you want to come to mine for tea tomorrow night? Who knows if this came from the parent or the child - I didn't think about it! Thankfully my friend's parents were much more relaxed than parents seem to be nowadays and would normally drop me off, with my friend in tow. My parents did this for my friends that came to my house.

But me and classmates used to get into hot water for arranging for a friend to come back for tea between ourselves but failing to mention it to said parents. Oops.

There are several of my ds's friends that will 'tell me' they're coming to my house tomorrow or on X day. I'm afraid I just tell them that it's not convenient but that I will invite them round to play some time when it is.

There's one child in particular that will also regularly tell the teacher he is coming home with us, rather than his own parents, which causes a fair bit of confusion at pick up time.

I wouldn't presume to tell them it's rude to ask, but I don't have a problem with saying no and/or telling them it isn't convenient. To be honest their parents usually look a bit embarrassed that they've asked, so I would think they probably have the 'don't invite yourself, it's rude conversation' with them afterwards anyway.

What CrockoDuck said. I feel that as we largely don't allow our children the freedom that we enjoyed as children, we're kind of obliged to accommodate their play time with friends. It's a PITA having rampaging children messing up my house, but the pay-off is happy, socialised children. In my opinion

I was talking to my mum about this the other day. As a child we did play out but because of where we were living I think less than some other posters probably did. I know after school I would go and say mum can so and so come round while the other child would go and ask their parents. My mum never said no. Whatever was going on I was allowed to go to someone elses ouse or have them to mine. I think she would say well we're going to see nan tonight but you can come too if you want.

I was always surprised when other parents said no as my mum saw being social as paramount to everything else. If other children are brought up like this then maybe they just wouldn't expect you to say no.

I've taught my DCs not to invite themselves but I've probably only ever said no to a child coming in on a handful of occasions.

Was a fabulous childhood tbh, no parent politics, one reason I chose this house is because of all the young dc playing out together, i love it

It's not always possible geographically though. I have to have playdates cos we're not in a position to have the kids out on the road. Of course children invite themselves over all the time and it doesn't bother me at all! Kids think they're the boss don't they . The trick is to showthat in fact they're NOT the boss by saying to the child 'Of course you'll come over soon when it suits me but not today', whether the parent is present or not.

What's with this thing where some parents think they have to do everything their child wants?

Mixed responses!

I'm pretty relaxed about the kids in the street coming in and out but would still expect my dcs to check with me if it's an ok time to have friends over. Sometimes I invite them to stay for meals, or my dcs might ask me (away from the friends), but I would find it rude for the guests to ask to stay. We have one girl who comes over and announces she's hungry within 5 minutes of arriving.

I think I must know a bunch of mums who don't like to see their dcs upset, ever. You should see the rigmarole that goes on outside school with all the little ones whining and the mums getting more and more frazzled as they try to find a playdate for NOW! I told dd not to come out and ask for that day - if she wants a playdate I will arrange something for a day that suits me. I also told her that there are children whose parents work and who can't have playdates after school, so she's bloody lucky and no playdate-related tantrums will be tolerated.

I agree, I think it's rude Georgia.

If my dc do this, I say very firmly 'You don't invite yourself to other people's houses'.

I have a close friend whose (lovely, gorgeous) two ds's are always saying 'Can we go back to Proudnscary's after the park' or if they are at our house 'Mum can we stay for tea pleeeease?'.

Instead of saying 'No we can't' or 'it's a little bit rude to ask that' she looks at me with a smile and a shrug or says 'that's up to auntie Proud'!! So bloody annoying.

I'm quite strident so I will say no if I don't want them to, but honestly!

I agree, so annoying! With the mum at the party, she was obviously waiting for me to say it was fine for her dd to come over, and it made me just want to say "sorry, we can't this week" (I didn't say anything), even though that's not strictly true. Which is silly really, but rude people do need to be stood up to.

I can't get over the rudeness of some children (and their parents!) these days!

My dd in year 7 at secondary school, has a friend who lives one road down from us at a different school. This girl up until now, has been constantly asking dd to wait after school and meet her off the bus so they can walk home together. It got ridiculous, the amount of time my dd sent hanging around in the cold, only to text her friend and find she was already home, gone to someone's house etc, completely forgetting she was supposed to meet dd. DD has now had enough of it and told her she wouldn't be waiting around any more as she was finding it annoying.

Cue the other girl getting upset, making out to her mum (who is also a friend of mine) that it's my dd who is in the wrong, getting confused about arrangements etc. Her mum believes her dd, and has now said to me what a shame it is that my dd has "let her down"! Grrr. I explained it to my friend, made it clear that it was MY dd who was constantly being let down, not hers. She just shrugged and said "Oh well, it all sounds most confusing", STILL on her dd's side!

This girl's sister who plays with my youngest has a habit of knocking persistently on our door even if we're busy. The other day dd said "Ok you can come in for a bit but I'm busy, I don't mind you sitting with me while I'm on computer etc though! She then got upset after a while, saying our dd's "weren't being friendly", and told her mum our kids were desperate for her to come in and then ignored her. None of us were "desperate" for her to come in, she often foists herself on us! Some people just have this massive sense of entitlement don't they