To be peed off with PIL blowing hot and cold with DS?

[TotallyCoveredInCatHair]

PIL were desparate to be GPs, we had tears, we had speeches about how great it would be for us because they lived minutes away, they were both still young (50s), retired and could look after GCs (so we wouldn't need to pay for a nursery) and do things they never did with there own DCs as they were always working, they even showed us holidays they wanted to take GCs on and seemed to have it all planned out.

Its taken 5 years but now DS is here we have weeks where they phone 8am every day begging to have him and weeks like the last where there is nothing, not even a how are you. Last week there DD (30s, still lives at home, didn't like being usurped as baby of the family type) had a week off work and they planned a week of going places as a family (DH, DS, me not invited).

DS is a very lively baby, he doesn't seem to need sleep and hes crawling already, I dont feel I can phone PIL and say can you have DS i'm struggling (it seems a bit cheeky since it seems clear to me that DS is not interesting when there DD is available to them) so I wait for them to offer, my own DM works full time but will take DS for a bit here and there when she has finished work so I can eat/shower/sit and cry for a bit.

DS adores them but I now feel that I wont be able to rely on them for the care they offered so I would be able to work, DH told them a while ago i'd been and looked at nurserys and they were really upset. I dont know what to think, I dont care if they do there own thing (they are entiltled to) or look after DS but a bit of consistency would help me loads.

I know i'm BU, I just wanted to have a bit of a rant really I should be grateful for the times when PIL are interested but having PND is really affecting my judgement on things so flame away!

Perhaps they are waiting to be asked rather than force themselves upon you?

troisgarcons has a point, it might be worth talking to them directly, rather than through DH, particularly regarding arrangements when you return to work.

also I think you are expecting a bit much at the moment, part of the joy of grandparenting is being able to pick and choose how involved you are iyswim, talk of holidays etc is more likely once your child is walking/talking/toilet trained! hopefully the gps will come up trumps once your child is out of the baby days.

is your DH helping much when he isn't at work?

It may be they are standing back so you don't feel 'smothered' and they are seen as over interfering GPs.

Some people cant do right for doing wrong.

I think they got carried away on a wave of excitement when they heard they would have a grandchild and a lot of what they said - offering regular childcare, planning holidays etc- was probably said without much thought

That doesnt mean they don't want to see him, just that they've realised the actual reality of caring for a baby, and they know that realistically they have other things going on in their life and don't want unrealistic commitments.

Sometimes people back off, because they're scared that if they don't, they'll be put upon. I wonder whether maybe subconsciously when they've had a week of doing loads with your ds, they then back off a bit because they don't want you to assume they will always be readily available?

I think you need to have a more open dialogue about what's reasonable. You should go ahead with looking at nurseries for when you return to work, because regular childcare at times which suit you but probably not them, will just lead to bad feeling. It's not fair on them. You say they are only in their fifties and still fit and able- so let them enjoy this time on their terms. They've worked hard all their lives- this is THEIR time, and I'm sure it will include your ds loads, as they are clearly devoted gps but let it be in a way which remains fresh and fun and with no strings attached. It might also be good to find a couple of friends or babysitters to rely on for when you need a break. It does sound rather like you call up the gp's when you're struggling, which is understandable, but maybe they feel a bit like you only call them up when your ds is being very demanding or you're worn out rather than feeling you want to see them as a social thing

Do they know that you have PND? If they do, do they understand what this actually means?

I had a similar situation, no family except MIL, no help at all, a baby who would only sleep on my shoulder or for 20 minutes at a time in a bouncy chair, battling sleep deprevation and PND and a DH working long hours.

The one friend who turned up, took one look at me, took my DD and sent me to bed for a couple of hours is canonised in my mind.

When I first told MIL that I was going to look for a childminder she was offended but she had to admit that a baby was too much for her, so I think you do need to talk with them in a non-confrontational way, say that you don't want to tie them down but that they're still essential to your DC and any other time them want to spend with him is wonderfull (lay on the butter with a diplomatic shovel, whatever you actually think of them, because they do have him sometimes and that's worth keeping).

Are you being treated for the PND? Are you talking to your HV (I appreciate that some are better than others). Are there any mum and baby groups around where you can network? What about friends, especially ones who have had children because I assure you that if I knew any mum was struggling I'd help all I could.

I absolutely sympathise with your feelings re. IL's, I felt the same way, but if the situation is unlikely to change I would really focus on what else you can do without them, anger and resentment wont help you especially when you are fighting PND.

I dnt think ur BU. My PIL were exactly the same.

When I had DS, MIL wanted to give up work to look after him, she would come round everyday, I could call her at the drop of a hat to look after him, blah, blah, blah and then as DS started to get a bit older and more of a handful, contact slowed right down. MIL would request to look after him and then txt me at 10pm the night before to cancel, which she's well within her rights to do, but it would be for the most stupid reasons.

When DD came along, she went bck to being all over us and couldn't/wouldn't stay away. Now DS is 6 and DD, 4 and they're lucky if they see there GP's once a month (bare in mind they live 2mins rnd the corner).

Now I have just accepted that the kids will never have that close a relationship with PIL's. Majority of time OH just takes the kids rnd to c them every now and then and when I have to I go round there and plaster a smile on my face.

Thanks for the replies. I'm just confused, PIL phoned this morning and said they were desparate to see DS as they hadn't seen him this week, we were here. DH just says they favour his Dsis and not to let it bother me.

They know I've got PND, HV has refered me and I do go to baby groups as I don't want to get worse. MIL comes to some of the groups because she never got to do them with her DCs but then they just stop bothering for a week and I don't know where I stand. DS must get confused as well.

We have a very good relationship, I've
made it clear they are welcome whenever and gave them a key. I don't want to expect the help but I need it, god even I hate the whiny tone I'm coming out with.

Yabu. So they wanted to spend a week with their grown up dd doing other things, that's not a crime is it? It doesn't mean they've stopped caring about you and your ds. And if they are planning to look after him on a regular basis when you go back to work, all the more reason that they might want to take a bit of time to do other things before they are committed to that.

I agree with WyrdMother, as frustrating as it is that they blow hot and cold, best to accept it rather than get further wound up about it. Are there any local gyms etc that have a creche or a Children's Centre running courses with a creche so you can get an hour or so break in the day?

It does sound like your DH has some issues re:favouritism and his sister in general, try not to build it up into a huge issue or personal insult.

I think you need to have a proper sit down with them and find out exactly what they are prepared to offer in the terms of childcare when you go back to work.

I had something similar with my mother. DS1 was first much longed for grandchild (Mum was early 60's at that time). She also had this wonderful plan of looking after DS every day whilst I was at work. Now although I work shifts, on days I needed to be in work at 8am. She doesn't drive but lived a 35 minute drive away. She then decided she would be coming on the train!! I had to point out that would mean probably getting up at 4 in the morning!!! Even if Dad drove they would have to get up at about six!!!

Anyway she did try the train journey (at a more normal time of day and realised how expensive it would be apart from all the travelling). She also realised once DS was here the real demands of a baby/toddler. Mum admitted she'd completely forgotten how tiring they are. In the end she had DS once a week (I dropped him off the previous evening and picked him up at the end of the day).