to wish my family would understand that I'm pissed off with their views??

[MissKeithLemon]

oh god, its bad... my brother is staying with me tonight. His views are like 'well I don't mean you BUT'... and then the spiel goes on about LP's who have DC's to 'work' the system yada yada yada....
I am an LP cos my XP's were both a shower of shite, and I didn't recoginse the first one in the second relationship. They are both massively lacking and that was the problem in both my relationships.
My brother (helpful darling at other times) seems to think that his views on 'scrounging' single mums are acceptable, but he wouldn't consider me as part of the problem group he is talking about! AIBU reasonable to think that he my family should accept that LP's are all in the same position as me as default setting?

YANBU to be upset that your brother seems to be having a sly dig at you.

But you can't force anyone to think differently, just pick him up on it when he starts going on.

Oh I did Zigzag, but now he's stormed off to bed in a mood I am the only LP in my family are they are all very good at the I don't include you of course, BUT' arguement school of thought! Just annoyed tonight as my lovely bro seems to believe that many the single mums 'did it for the flat' mentality! He is intelligent, agreeable and generally quite rational, but this subject has become emotive and we've rowed for the the first time in ages!

bit pissed... does the above make sense??

YANBU. Some men are just shits!

It does make sense

People can be nice at the same time as being shit, it's OK not to like the shit part but still like the person.

By that I mean your ex-partner

I'm past caring whether that makes sense or not

Does he read the Daily Mail?

He will see you as an individual and not relate you to what he reads/hears elsewhere. He'll know the history that resulted in your current circumstances.

YANBU, he could try to understand that there are plenty of people who end up as unplanned single parents just like you.

You could point out to him that getting a council flat/house isn't as easy as he thinks.

ha ha totem, just typed long answer but lost cos am pissed but couldn't reply that my brother does indeed read the 'popular' press and believes it all! I read 6 or 7 newspapers every day for work but am able to differenciate the crap from the (I believe) truth! I think I am more annoyed at the 'i'm not including you in my rant comment about SP's cos you are my sister' type comments---grrrrr

I suppose he is saying that he doesn't mean you because you at least were in a relationship when you had your children? Is he referring to youngsters who he thinks get pregnant on purpose with someone they have no intention of staying with?

It's a bit like people who say they're not being racist and have black friends etc. then go on to make a racist comment...
Does he have any idea that he's offended you? Some people like to just talk and talk without realising that their words can be hurting.
I'd point this out to him, he may not realise that you are offended by what he has said.
I've had to listen to friends/family etc going on about teenage mothers, before reminding them that I had dd1 at 17, and seem to have dome ok, it seems that as it was a long time ago they have forgotten !!

YANBU... My own mother does the same thing. In her case (she also reads the Mail on Sunday - nuff said) it's that her brain doesn't engage before she opens her gob. When you've got people like her and your brother being thick, you have to set them straight. 'You may not be talking about me but you'd better shut up with your offensive views or we're going to fall out'

Why are you putting him up if he finds your lifestyle so offensive? Tell him to shut up or piss off.

boomerwang - that is exactly it! Possibly because we were enjoying the vino too much last night - it really riled me!
the5thfishy - he's my brother and is very supportive in every way to me. I've been an LP for almost three years, and my bro gives me hands-on practical help. He has decorated, is babysitter in chief and also is generous to me and the kids financially! I don't want to tell him to piss off as he's my only family member close to me geographically atm. I love him, I just hate the way he soemtimes says things!
Last night I did actually use the 'did you mean to be so rude' line.... it worked I think. he is full of apologies this morning!

It is sad to be labelled in with a group that get a bashing. You can only challenge it. I like to point out that the mums are the ones that have stayed, etc but it falls on deaf ears to most. Unfortunatley there are a tiny amount of women who do choose to become a single parent becasue they think it will give them something. They are the ones who get highlighted in the press and scorned. There is no appreciation for the reality of their lives. Most LP I know are in their 30's, divorced and working but not many accept that reality.

I think you must accept that SOME LPs didn't give a shit about getting pregnant and living off the state. 'Tis the way some people are.

It is sad isn't it DoMe?! I work from home and often find myself telling people that 'I am actually a full time employee'. I drop off and pick up DC's and arrange my work life around them so am sometimes filing Vat returns at midnight, or typing letters at 6am on a saturday I think even other mums sometimes just assume that i don't work! Yes it riles! Constant justification of my entire life is sooo tiring/boring!

Yes but some two parent families don't give a shit about getting pregnant and living off the state as well.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, OP.

You don't have to justify yourself to ANYONE (maybe with the exception of Keith ) Did you self confidence take a bash when you became a LP? I have found that since I have bolstered my self esteem I am less bothered/interested/affected by other people's opinions.

what can you do,you cant change peoples minds,hopefully his mind may change for the better in time

as hard as it is either tell him exactly how you feel or bite your tongue

some people mostly the older generation i find,find it very difficult to except the world and peoples lives are very different from when they were are age,my parents a good example conservative in outlook and staunchly believe that if you get married you stay married no matter what

when i split from my ex husband they asked why said we were unhappy and their answer was "so" my dad used to physically abuse my mum for years,we heard and witnessed it,so if they stayed together in that situation you stay together through anything

i think their mad and as a child wished they split up but to them thats what you do,nothing will change their mind,

hopefully your brother will in time be more " open minded"

Slagging off LPs is just another manifestation of mysogyny.

If your brother loves you he shouldn't be saying this shit.

Fishy - it was more that he was slagging off commenting on how young girls can 'pop one out' and hey presto! Council house, benefits etc etc. My brother and the rest of my family, and possibly many friends and acquaintances, all seem to believe the hype!

In fact, I think that last night my bro was actually, albeit in a clumsy way saying that its unfair that I work so hard with no help from the state, (well I suppose I do actually as I receive child benefit) when other LP's get houses given and all that stuff that the poplular media likes to peddle!

I got annoyed because I think that any of my family, who all know my circs and don't judge me, are then quick to judge others iyswim? I would prefer that the 'standard' opinion is that each LP is deserving of respect/empathy and other nice thoughts as default. FFS - I mean who would really be a single parent by choice? I'm sure there may be a tiny minority of feckless lazy arsed LP's, the same as there are feckless, lazy arsed two parent families!

I don't think you can have a 'standard' opinion on anything, let alone lone parents.

Some women find themselves as lone parents due to a relationship breakdown beyond their control and they work hard to support their kids.

Some women get pregnant by feckless man after feckless man and refuse to accept they were too quick (as well as the man) to have a child with someone they barely know because they're 'in love'.

Some women see being a lone parent as a 'career choice' because it enables them to stay on benefits.

There should be no such thing as a general opinion on lone parents because they are individual people, the same as all other members of society.

What does tend to irk me personally (particularly on MN) is that it's nearly always the Dads in these cases who are labelled 'feckless' but in reality there are so many women too who are feckless in their choices of who they choose to breed with and how soon.

Just because they're often left with the baby and no maintenance, doesn't make them any less feckless or irresponsible if they keep getting pregnant by men they know very little about.