...to be p****d off with DH's family on his birthday EVERY year ?

[ItsInTheTrees]

Okay, so enough is enough. Each year my MIL sends me a message to say she won't/can't spend much money on my DH a couple of days before his birthday. Am I supposed to pass this on to him ? WTF ! This year he got a bag of sweets. The AIBU question arises through the fact his brother and darling sister are given gifts with loads of thought and she will spend considerably more than the cost of a bag of sweets - and they even make lists of what they would like (both in late 20's) .... truth is, my DH is really hurt by this. I too, think it's nasty and it's making my blood boil. I think also, DH would like some suggestions as to how to approach her regarding this bonkers birthday/Christmas scenario. AIBU ?

YANBU. I'd be upset. Does she favour them in other ways too?

Is your mil my mil? Yanbu. Not at all.

That's really sad :( How old is dh? Is he the eldest child? Not that it should matter.
Any chance you could chat to MIL well before the next birthday / xmas with a ..ooh dh wants x and y , which would you like to get him ?? type convo?

Yes. She does. Grrr !

Judester, yes he is the eldest. But why does she send me these messages each year ? If it didn't hurt him so much every year, I wouldn't mind, but it really does.

My DH has the same issue, with two much younger siblings. For his eighteenth he got a flask and it wasn't even wrapped . We have pretty much given up on his family, it hurts less.

TOTMushroom did your DH ever ask his family what on earth is going on ?

Dear mil tell him your self.

I'd reply with one of the following, depending on how angry I was.

Ok, thanks, would you like me to get him something and say its from you so he has something to open./I'll get something and say its from you.

Thanks, I'll tell him, he's used to it by now.

No worries, we'll make sure he gets properly loved and spoiled by his family on the day.

I'm glad you mentioned it, we are struggling a little ourselves and might have the same problem when it comes to other family birthdays this year.

Fuck off you horned hellbeast. Treat all your children the same.

Families can be shit. I have over the years learnt to accept that although my dad loves me very much, my big brother will always be the golden boy. Just the way it is. Although to be fair, there is not the huge difference in generosity that your dh sees with his siblings.
Has anyone - either you or DH ever pointed out the inequality? I.e DH loved those sweets, they were delish, did dsis in law like her diamond earrings/plasma tv/fur coat???

I'll never forget the year that my bro got a very expensive bike and a leather jacket, and I got a radio!!!

I wonder in these situations if it's because your DH looks like someone from her past that she has issues with. Is he like her xhusband or something?

Maybe send a letter saying he is very hurt by the fact she doesn't love him (signed by you) and you feel he would rather receive nothing than a bag of sweets.

Mind you my DM's favourite changed over the years (due to choice of spouse etc) so things could change anyway.

"Fuck off you horned hellbeast. Treat all your children the same."
That's the one to go with.

My PIL do this to my DP too. Year before last he got a set of BBQ tongs and a citronella candle. He hates BBQ's. His sister got a rolex, his BIL got an IPad. Even I got a new laptop! We dont care about gifts (I actually hate recieving them) but its the lack of care that hurts.

PIL reasons are that they dont know what to get. Truth is he has loads of hobbies (and would be delighted by a £10 gift card for HMV) but because they dont 'approve' of them, they wont buy into it.

Year by year I've been making helpful suggestions as his birthday comes up. Last year he got 2 tickets to his favourite stage production so things are definitely looking up. Perhaps your MIL just doesnt have a clue what to buy and just cheaps out? If not, I second WhereYouLeftIts suggestion.

Next time a birthday of your pil's is coming, send them a message say
ing you can't spend much on them this year. Then give them the bag of sweets they gave your dh. Or go to poundland and buy a bag of sweets from there.

My pil are the same. For DH's 30th he got some women's body scrub/lotion (she thought boots botanics was the men's range apparently) & a card with the 29p card factory sticker still on it. Mil loves picking up 'bargains' ie really very reduced & battered old shit no one else wants & passing it on as gifts. More of 'that'll do for x' than 'I wonder if I can find this for x'

However she got me an Estee Lauder gift set (which had been reduced but was still expensive & my favourite perfume) 2 weeks later for my 30th. She got her twin dd's an all expenses paid weekend to London, with her, to shop, see a show, have coffees, lovely meals, London eye etc just two years earlier.

Last year we phoned & asked to go over to see her on the Sunday before DH's birthday (phoned on sat). She said we couldn't because she wanted to go to next city across to do some sale shopping and couldn't next weekend as 'she' had the kids. One of her dd's has two kids, then 8 & 10 & shares weekend custody with their dad. She NEVER lions after them herself, it's just assumed that mil will be there. We were told that it's better if we're not there as our dd (2) behaves quite well and that upsets sil!!!!!

This birthday snub was the final straw for DH. He withdrew completely. I still make some effort for my dd & as I'm now 38 weeks pg interest in us has picked up again, but it's so sad & hurtful for him.

My pil do the same thing with my DH. One year, they went on holiday over my DH's birthday and we had their dogs while they were away. They brought their other son back a bottle of Smirnoff vodka, and my DH got a tacky belt that wasn't even in his size...... Gavin McKlein is I remember correctly. Apparently that was also his birthday present!

He just takes the piss out of whatever they ut him now, it's always rubbish, and he doesn't see his brother who is a knob end of a spoilt brat at the age of 30 so he doesn't have to look at the difference in what his parents get them for birthdays and Christmases.

Why bring it up at all? Do you really want to guilt the mum into buying DH a nice present the next time round?

The cliche about how its the thought that counts springs to mind. My fave author's latest book always magically appear gift wrapped a few days after it is released. That gesture would have no value if I had to prod DP.

OP and DH should treat the mum the same ie ignore HER special occassions and leave it at that.

ah op!!!

we got a £20 gift voucher when we got married, sil got £1000

we didn't cry at mil's funeral

Thanks all for your replies and suggestions - the HELLBEAST one really had us laughing about it all day. On the flip side though, I was sorry to read the experiences of other families experiencing this insane thoughtlessness ....

This is exactly what my mil does or did to my dh. This Christmas she also did it to my children. However his three siblings are always given presents and so are their children. Rightly or wrongly after 21years of watching her do this to him I actually asked her why? Should point out I was very calm she became irate and fil threatened to smack me in the mouth for asking. Haven't seen her since Christmas. This year his birthday falls on Easter Sunday if she was talking to him she likes to buy him an Easter egg as his birthday present. Feel much better for asking the question and letting her know how hurtful it is. Wish I had done it earlier.