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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if my elderly mother wants to move closer to me and my family, my DH should be supportive?

25 replies

thinneratforty · 10/03/2012 22:18

Mother is elderly, would like to sell up and move closer. Would give her the opportunity to see more of the grandchildren and means that as she gets older we would be able to support her.
DH says no way, he doesn't want to have our lives disrupted, doesn't want us to take on the responsibility.
Really don't know what to do.
DH has some valid points. Mother and I don't really get on and it would be a big responsibility, she's very demanding and needy. But would it be so bad?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 10/03/2012 22:21

He is probably being realistic. How far away is she at the moment?

CMOTDibbler · 10/03/2012 22:23

If you don't get on now, her being nearer you, having moved so you can support her would be absolute hell imo. She sounds like she would use it as tool to make you do exactly as she demands - is that what you want ?

Spuddybean · 10/03/2012 22:25

Why does she need your or your DH's permission to move house? or is DH saying no way to seeing her more frequently?

Is she asking for more support if she moves?

TheFallenMadonna · 10/03/2012 22:26

Oh dear. I dread PIL doing this. I know I shouldn't. I know we would have a responsibility etc. But I would hate it. I think it would certainly be that bad, for us.

Original poster

thinneratforty · 10/03/2012 22:26

She's 200 miles away and we speak once a fortnight, saw each other once last year. I think I'm scared of telling her the truth which is that I also don't think it's a good idea.
DH is very sensible and usually right.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngel · 10/03/2012 22:28

He may be sensible and he might be right but you can't actually stop her moving closer to you. If she does though you're going to have to lay down ground rules about what to expect.

I do have some sympathy, I get on great with my mum but I'd probably feel the same way if I didn't.

hiddenhome · 10/03/2012 22:29

MIL moved closer to us as she's needing more help now, but we all get on very well. I can understand that it might be a strain if your mother is very demanding or difficult.

You could always move her closer, but then organise social services help to relieve things a bit for you. Don't be allowing yourself to be dictated to by her or be at her beck and call.

Vanfurgstan · 10/03/2012 22:29

why do ppl have kids? seriously

troisgarcons · 10/03/2012 22:29

I'm gobsmacked.

I cant actually be polite - because unless you have some past issues with your parent/child relationship - I sincerely hope your kids feck off to the far side and leave you alone just so you know what it feels like when you are in your dotage.

disgusted

Original poster

thinneratforty · 10/03/2012 22:29

DH does not want to end up in a situation where we see her frequently. She is very demanding and needy and would expect me to drive her everywhere (she doesn't drive) and do stuff for her. I know it would be a nightmare. She is really a toxic parent. I have to tell her it's not a good idea. Just feeling terribly guilty.

OP posts:

Hebiegebies · 10/03/2012 22:30

If she does not move closer and has a run of bad health, how would you manage getting to see her in an emergency and frequently? Or does she have family close by?

Original poster

thinneratforty · 10/03/2012 22:32

Thanks troisgarcons, we do have serious issues from the past and she would be considered by mumsnet as a 'toxic' parent. Why post if you're going to be so unhelpful?

OP posts:

Original poster

thinneratforty · 10/03/2012 22:33

No, she doesn't have family close by, hence the guilt.
I should explain, I ended up severely depressed and seeing a therapist because of her behaviour whilst I was growing up.
We really do not get on.

OP posts:

RedHotPokers · 10/03/2012 22:36

I think you are trying to justify this to yourself by drip feeding info about your mother. First you say she is demanding, and now you say toxic.

Truth be told, neither you or your dh are coming out of this looking very nice or caring.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/03/2012 22:36

Look, I would support DH's parents if they moved to be close to us. Because it is, of course, the right thing to do. But there's no point in pretending that it wouldn't be very difficult.

NorksAreMessy · 10/03/2012 22:36

trois
How nasty!

jinsei · 10/03/2012 22:36

My parents moved to be near us last year. I love having them close by, and it's great for dd. Thankfully, DH is very supportive of this, and often goes over there to help them out with stuff even when I'm busy with other stuff.

I would like to think that dd won't spend her adult life trying to avoid us.

hiddenhome · 10/03/2012 22:37

I think if people are going to be toxic and manage to alienate themselves then they can't really expect those people to care for them in their dotage. You reap what you sow. There is no way I would have ever looked after my 'mother'

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2012 22:38

YANBU, she might be able to move closer without getting your permission but that doesn't mean you have to like it or not be in an out and out panic at the thought of her moving closer.

How lovely if all parent/child relationship resulted in them being close and loving each other whilst skipping through fields of flowers trois.

But they're not, unless you've been in that kind of relationship you won't know how it feels or would be posting you're disgusted the OPs mum has made her feel like she does.

hiddenhome · 10/03/2012 22:39

I don't think people should be so judgey.

Giving birth to a child doesn't turn you into a saint Some parents really aren't worth bothering with because they're so damaging.

exoticfruits · 10/03/2012 22:39

I would get her to buy into sheltered housing-nearer you, but not right on your doorstep. Somewhere that she can get help and other company. Your DH is right-if she is toxic and relying only on you- it would be a disaster.

RedHotPokers · 10/03/2012 22:41

Weird thread. First we are asked should ops dh be supportive, now it turns out we are really talking about op.

lumpymash · 10/03/2012 22:41

If she wants to move nearer you, will she do it regardless of what you think about it?
Would your DH be able to explain that actually helping her with care etc. as she gets older would be very difficult for you?

nailak · 10/03/2012 22:45

I think that my duty is my duty and other peoples duty are theirs, just because someone else fails in their duty towards me, or doesn't manage their responsibility towards me in a way that I would like, doesn't mean that I should be the same as them and neglect my duty towards them.

Surely that would make us as had as each other?

Instead I would like.to think I would carry out my responsibilities, and not expect thanks or reward from the person but because it is the right thing to do.

Hebiegebies · 10/03/2012 22:47

If she was to move closer you would need to find her a home within walking distance of most things such as shop and GP.

Then set ground rules, eg, you won't have a key, we will only get together twice a month, you will need to find your own home help, it won't be me etc....

Or you could get more care ready for when she needs it where she is

My dad, who I get on well with has struggled to cope moving at 78 even though he still drives and is able to care or himself. I've ended up helping him go to the DIY shop, find a gardener, painter, cleaner, new bits for the house etc

He's not toxic, but my mum is toxic and still 12 hours drive away.....

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