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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have warned a colleague that her teenage dd's Facebook wall was "Public"

25 replies

ingridmouse · 10/03/2012 15:40

I am beginning to think I am a bit of a freak after an "exchange of views" at my work... I had been on FB the night before and noticed a post on a friend's wall from a girl with an unusual surname (my colleague's). I clicked on her name to see if I could see if it was said colleague's (18 year old) daughter - out of idle curiosity, and cos I though that the tiny pic next to her comment looked a bit like her mum. When I did so, the girl's FB wall came up, and it was obvious that she was the person I thought she was, and that her conversations were open for the whole world to see.

I mentioned to this colleague. the next day that her DD's wall was open to the public, and she might want to suggest a rethink of the privacy settings to her. The next day, the mum came back and chewed me out, implying that her daughter felt violated that "an adult who didn't know her" would dare to click on her name on facebook, just because they worked with her mum. I apologised, but I am now unsure if anyone else thinks that this was a freakish thing to do? I thought that I was doing the same thing as folks did on FB...

OP posts:

abrakebabra · 10/03/2012 15:43

Why on earth did you think it was your place to interfere?

Sparklingbrook · 10/03/2012 15:44

I wouldn't have said anything-the person in question is an adult. If they were 13 perhaps that would be different.

WilsonFrickett · 10/03/2012 15:45

Well I think the DD is spectacularly missing the point isn't she? Anyone who vauguely recognises her name can see her wall...because her privacy settings aren't on. I do think you are mostly NBU, however as the girl is 18 I suppose it isnt' really your business or her mother's really...

birdsofshoreandsea · 10/03/2012 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 10/03/2012 15:46

Felt violated? Bit dramatic! I wouldn't have said anything as the person in question is an adult not a child.

TheGreatHunt · 10/03/2012 15:47

YANBU to have clicked. We've all done it.

However I wouldn't have said anything because when you FB stalk, you never tell!!

valiumredhead · 10/03/2012 15:49

We have all done it

NeshBugger · 10/03/2012 15:52

What have you done that's wrong? As a parent of a dd - or a ds for that matter - I would very much prefer that they have some privacy settings on FB and would have been grateful someone had mentioned it. I would have done as you have done, assuming it was some sort of oversight! Given FB makes recommendations of people you might know it's hardly a stretch that you came across her page.

PurplePidjin · 10/03/2012 15:53

I would have spoken up, and have done. Many times when people post links on here and once to a fairly senior managers at work who had put up their full address and date of birth. Many people don't realize the risks and I'd rather be a busybody than someone get accidentally outed or in the manager's case potentially have their identity stolen.

I do try to be very very polite about it though

Pandemoniaa · 10/03/2012 15:56

Not really your business is it? She's 18 after all. But to "feel violated" is quite ridiculous. Either set your privacy settings to keep the whole world out of your Facebook meanderings activities or cope with the fact that this is exactly how the wretched place works!

catgirl1976 · 10/03/2012 15:56

I wouldn't have mentioned it - I think that's the only thing you've done thats a bit odd. The DD is not a child so it's no one's business but hers what her privacy settings are.

However for her to have them open and then have an isuse when people click on her page in just bonkers!

Everyone clicks on people on FB. That's the point of it stalking, looking up exes, spying Clicing on this woman's DD wasn't odd or wrong. Telling the mother about it was a bit misguided, but the DDs reaction is just plain nuts.

ninjasquirrel · 10/03/2012 15:57

Well I think I would have probably done the same thing - seeing it as the equivalent of telling a stranger in a crowded place that they'd left their rucksack wide open and someone could pinch their wallet.

AgentProvocateur · 10/03/2012 15:57

Neshbugger, the DD is 18!! If another adult told me to tell my ADULT child to tighten up their privacy settings, I'd think they were a bit odd and interfering. I don't have particularly tight privacy settings on my FB. That's my informed decision, as an adult. The 18 year old has probably made a similar informed decision.

Original poster

ingridmouse · 10/03/2012 16:01

I was polite about the whole thing, don't worry but was starting to think that random clicking like that was impolite in itself. The only reason I mentioned it to the mum was that we give the same advice to our students ( who are all adults btw), as it is an easy oversight to make, and can lead to some sticky situations with future employers and the like, when they "google" you, pre-interview - as is apparently becoming the norm...

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 10/03/2012 16:06

I always Google my interview candidates. Am amazed how many people leave their profile open when job hunting and merrily post about their fondness for drugs / getting leathered / having a fight

I still think it's odd for you to mention it to the girls mother as it has nothing to do with her or you, but I don't think its odd for you to have clicked on her page at all.

2rebecca · 10/03/2012 16:06

She's 18, her privacy settings are her business. If you told anyone you should have told the girl, gossipping to her mum was unnecessary.
My adult stepson has no privacy settings on his facebook because he wants as many folk as possible to see his wall to advertise his business. He doesn't discuss anything personal on it and sees it as a "shopfront" type thing.
I think your fussiness is appropriate for a child but not an adult, and especially not an adult not related to you.

M1ssBerta · 10/03/2012 16:09

I think I'd feel slightly awkward pointing this out to a colleague, it's so common for accounts to be wide open I wouldn't even think to mention it, especially as she's 18. I (used) to have mine watertight but if even if I hadn't I would probably have thought it strange to have it pointed out to me.

exaspomum · 10/03/2012 16:10

Goodness, ingridmouse how rude of your colleague not to have thanked you for your thoughtfulness in bringing this to her attention. As other posters have said, it would have been much easier for you to not have mentioned it.

eurochick · 10/03/2012 16:10

She's 18, an adult. Her facebook settings are a matter for her to manage. You were wrong to interfere.

NeshBugger · 10/03/2012 16:10

But OP didn't instruct, or at least didn't sound like it, although I now see she does say "exchange of views" - although that just be about colleagues dd feeling 'violated' fgs.

18 is an adult legally but they are still teenagers, most still in school/at home/living off mum and dad. My friends kids are just that to me, kids, even when they have gone off to uni/got their first job. In fact I can never believe how old they are sometimes! And plenty of 18 year olds, and older, can make daft mistakes - we've all seen those news stories about someone posting on social media sites with an open setting for all to see about parents away/party at my house - and hundreds turning up! Most teens are taught these days in school about having some level of security and privacy on their social media and I would have just assumed it was an oversight on their part. But if not, her choice, but as a parent I'd like to know so I could advise/warn accordingly.

Chandon · 10/03/2012 16:10

18 is old enough to get married, have children, have ajob and old enough to be responsible for their own facebok status...

2rebecca · 10/03/2012 16:12

I think the mum's comment to you about "how dare a fried of a friend click on this picture" is silly though, that's how facebook operates and why they have privacy settings, otherwise no-one would gain new friends. Most of us gain friends by looking at who our friends have as friends. If you don't want random people reading your stuff you do make it private.
I still think you should have kept quiet about it though as it wasn't your business and it did make you look nosy.

Original poster

ingridmouse · 10/03/2012 16:15

You're right,, NeshBugger, I didn't instruct her to do anything. I just mentioned that I had happened upon her page, and that her wall was public. As she wasn't au fait with FB, I explained that it was a place where you conversed with friends, but that her DD's was on view to the whole world - and that DD might not be aware of this...

OP posts:

GavisconJunkie · 10/03/2012 16:17

She's 18, not a child. It was a bit strange for you to feel the need to snitch on her (as it must've seemed), but the phrase 'spectacularly missed the point' has already been used unthread & I agree. If she feels violated (drama queen) she ought to understand that changing her fucking settings is exactly what she ought to do.

Also, I too have always googled/facebooked interview candidates. She might want to consider that.

Overall, it's none of your business, but you had a point.

Original poster

ingridmouse · 10/03/2012 16:18

but I am nosey, 2Rebbeca - That's what got me into trouble in the first place! But it does look like I should have hidden my nosiness - you are right.

OP posts:

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