To take my elderly Dad out of hospital before he dies

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My Dad, 80s, went into hospital for emergency abdominal surgery - thought we'd lost him - but after six weeks in IC and a week on a ward he's looking okayish. His wound still needs dressing, he's got a catheter in and he's being hoisted out of bed onto a chair as he can't stand due to lying in bed for so long; and now he's got another infection, "nothing to worry about" they tell me, and is on more antibiotics.

Dad desperately wants to go home, and that's what I want for him too. However the hospital are talkng about "a long slow road to recovery" - weeks, maybe months, of rehab possibly requiring transfer to another hospital.

My concern is not only Dad's distress, which is considerable - he hates being in hospital and hates not being able to sleep properly and people doing intrusive things to him all the time - but that he'll die in hospital and all that he's been through will be for nothing.

WIBU to tell the hospital that I want him to come home to my house and ask them to put in services like physio, district nurse etc to support his recouperation. This is certainly what Dad would want, with a view to returning to his own home when he's stronger.

Dad and I have a good relationship and I have no expectations that this will be easy for either of us. My main concern is that he's not mobile and could I realistically help him regain his mobility so he can do stuff like getting to the toilet?

I live in a bungalow and have a nice spare bedroom Dad could have. Its just me and my teenager son at home. He loves his Grandad and says he would be okay with it. I can't imaine my son would offer too much support, but he might make his Grandad a cup of tea and tell him about his day

I have a sister who lives on the other side of the country and she'd come and give me a break whenever if needed. I work from home -very part time - so I'm not seeing a reason not to do this. But AIBU or will it just turn into a nightmare?

As someone who, until recently, cared for their elderly mother can I give you advice no one thought to give me:

Find your local carer's association. They'll be able to advise exactly what you need to think about and what you could be entitled to regarding local authority help. They'll also be able to refer you to a carer's advocate if needed who will ensure you are not taken advantage of for not knowing every little clause, this will be especially important when social workers become involved.

My mum is going to a nursing home now, looking after her (she is quite difficult and demanding), my dts (age 10) and working became too much. I can no longer offer her the care she needs as I'm ill myself now. I will forever feel a failure and guilty, be warned that this is an emotional minefield.

My dad died in hospital 3 years ago. He had dementia amongst his illnesses (including a broken hip from when the staff didn't put the sides to his bed up.) I was in the middle of fighting to get him better care when he died.

I admire anyone who takes the mantle of carer, until you do it you cannot know what it is like & please equip yourself with as much knowledge & help as possible beforehand.

YANBU and it will be MUCH better for him. He will be out of the infection ridden environment and good luck to you both. Send him my very best wshes for a speedy recovery.

Purple...her Dad wants to go home she says.

As CMOT suggested, maybe a compromise might be possible while you get home care
Organised - see if there is a community hospital near you. They are so much nicer!

If tgat is what he wants, and you and your family can cope then yes it is the right thing to do. Good luck it will be very, very hard.

yanbu

Our lovely neighbour asked that if she became comatose or near the end of her life then she wanted home. I drove her son in to hospital and we took her home.
The Macmillan nurses were wonderful and when my neighbour died three days later her son said she was at peace and so was he.

There are volunteer agencies and other means of getting help mentioned by posters.
Getting your Dad home is important to you and your Dad and it will help you with closure later.

Good luck and all strength to you.

YANBU. We did it backwards (cared at home for almost four years and then had to transfer to hospital). Try to get all your ducks lined up first though. (My experience is years old so may no longer be relevant).
One of my issues was my MIL in her lucid moments,she was very uncomfortable with my intrusion in intimate issues; bathing, toileting etc. A professional carer team eased her distress considerably. I wish I'd had such a team in place at the onset.
There are in your case (as latterly in mine), medical issues re catheters etc. Again I wish I had known how to deal with this prior to the issues arising instead of fire fighting as they arose.
We had "multi agency support". In reality it was anybody, nobody and somebody and trying to resolve matters was like swimming in treacle.
It was physically and mentally incredibly stressful. Having said that, I would do exactly the same all over again in the blink of an eye.
Very best of luck OP. I would do the same.

YANBU> My own dad was in IC for a month then on a ward for another month. He had mutiple health problems and very limited mobility. He came home and had three years of my Mum and I caring for him with community nurses coming in daily at first then a couple of times a week to change dressings/ deal with any other issues. Stoma nurses came to help with arising problems. GP came for any other health concerns. I can say from experience it is very hard but knowing that he was at home rather than hospital leaves me content in the knowledge he was happier at home than any other place. He did die in hospital sadly, where he only went in for a blood transfusion. Wishing you all the best and that you get the support needed to put your plan into place.

YANBU to want to do this for your Dad, just don't underestimate how hard it will be. A friend did the same for his Dad and the felt he had let him down because he couldn't cope. Speak to the people involved in his care atm to see exactly what you need and the support you can expect to get. I know that Help the Aged has merged with another charity now (I can't remember what they are called now), but they can give a lot of advice and practical help as well. Give them a ring and be prepared to be told that it isn't practical. If you don't try, and at least find out all you can then i think you probably regret that far more.

Thanks so much for all your really helpful and practical comments and suggestions. They've helped me feel so much better about the situation.

I'm going to take a little step backwards and talk to lots of people this week about the practicalities of getting Dad home and get all my ducks in a row, as one poster wisely suggested