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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers day - feel a bit let down

54 replies

Cumberbatched · 10/03/2012 07:08

Just found out that dh has decided he will go for a "start of season" cricket nets session on Mothers day, from 11-3. Including travel time he will probably be away 10-4 at a bare minimum. It's a local village team.
I only found out when FIL, who was visiting, mentioned it. He didn't know that I didn't know, so dropped dh in it. Dh was there and looked a bit sheepish but has not mentioned anything further. I guess he's waiting for me to bring it up.
I have four dc's ranging from 12 years to 8 weeks old. One has Aspergers.
I will be left to look after them alone while he plays cricket.
My mother died several years ago, my side of the family live at the other end of the country so a day visit to them isn't practical. We will probably go over to the inlaws at tea time, as will the rest of dh's siblings.
I'm not expecting cards and gifts, but I feel a bit upset and let down that he can't spend the day with us. But if I kick up a fuss now and dh cancels his nets, I end up looking petty.
Just feeling a bit sad about it really. Am I expecting a bit much?

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 10/03/2012 08:18

Its just a day tbh.

Like birthdays and - to some extent - xmas.

We all put lots of stress on ourselves and our loved ones to have the "perfect ***" and its a recipe for disappointment IMHO.

Dh asked me if I wanted anything for mothers day yesterday...I dont. A card from the dc would be nice - a home made one would be lovely but dh isnt very organised in that regard!

My expectations from these sorts of days are quite low which means I usually have a nice day!!! Smile

Perhaps you could have a word with your dh??? If it is upsetting you that much then you need to tell him.

Ephiny · 10/03/2012 08:19

YABU, you're not his mother!

If you feel generally that he's not pulling his weight in terms of looking after the children, and getting lots more free time than you, or you don't think you spend enough time together as a family - then those are important things to address.

Wouldn't make a big deal over 'Mother's Day' though, that will just make you look petty, and it seems a bit silly that he'd have to cancel a planned activity just because it's some arbitrary date. I like Greythorne's idea of doing something the Sunday after instead.

BuckBuckMcFate · 10/03/2012 08:21

I'd be pissed off to be left at home with 4 dc with no discussion whether it's mother's day or not.

We have 4dc and DP plays football. After much trial and error we now work it so that if he hasn't been working away he plays. If he has been working away he doesn't. If he is playing he checks what my plans are, if I've had a bad night with my non sleeping 4th dc or was in the middle of a breastfeeding frenzy, he arranges childcare for the older dc so I'm not stuck at home tired, feeding and trying to entertain the others.

I think if your DH/DP is involved in a sport that requires then to be away from home for hours at the weekend then situations like mothers day highlight the assumption that you will just get on with it.

If I was the op I would be asking DH who will be looking after the dc on mothers day . It's crap to think at the start of the season "this is what my weekends will be like for the next 6 months ".

jelliebelly · 10/03/2012 08:21

Bet he didn't even realise the date when he agreed to the nets but surely you would discuss this kind of weekend commitment anyway?
YANBU

Foxy800 · 10/03/2012 08:23

My mothers day will be just another day to me. My Mum is over 300 miles away from me and dd's Dad will be at work so will just be me and dd as it normally is.

Chandon · 10/03/2012 08:25

....not sure if yabu...

But I am always so surprised that people go on to have 4 children if they feel they cannot really cope with that. That is the bit I just do not get. My guess would be that anyone who has 4 children just adores being with kids?

Also, I do not get the fuss aout mothersday, but I know some people care about that sort of thing (valentines day, mthers day, secretary day etc etc)

Anyhoo, just tell him how you feel about it.

Littlefish · 10/03/2012 08:26

I hate cricket.
I enter a state of general pissed-off-ness at this time of year as the start of the season approaches.

DH's cricket club have done particularly well in pissing me off this year by organising their pre-season nets for 5 til 7 on a Sunday which is exactly when we eat our Sunday dinner.

I hate that dh goes out at 12 on Saturdays and doesn't get back until about 8pm. Every. Bloody. Saturday. Between. April. And. September. (and some Sundays).

DilysPrice · 10/03/2012 08:34

I sympathise littlefish, because I'm sure it's a pain, and YANBU to be pissed off. OTOH I bet there are MNers with fat lazy apathetic husbands with no social life who'd swap for your DH in a heartbeat, it's a swings and roundabouts thing.

Original poster
Cumberbatched · 10/03/2012 08:36

Thanks everyone for your advice. All is appreciated.
It's not about getting anything bought for me, I agree about the marketing stuff. It was more about spending time as a family and feeling appreciated on a special day for mothers. The idea of moving the day is a good one, thank you.
I do go to church regularly, so know the origins of mothers day, and will be going on Mothers day. They usually get the children to give out small bunches of daffs to all the ladies, to show thanks, which is lovely.
I'm aware that I am not his mother. He has his own mother. Unfortunately I do not, so yes, it is a day that I have mixed feelings about.
He did know it was mothers day, as he was talking about going to his mothers for tea. I assumed we would have our own little lunch at home.
I think I am feeling more sensitive than usual as I haven't had much sleep.
Thanks again x

OP posts:
Maryz · 10/03/2012 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 08:39

Cumberbatched, are you usually the default carer for the children?

imnotmymum · 10/03/2012 08:41

You have still got the day with the kids so get in something yummy and chill all day with them, or if it nice go out somewhere or watch the cricket. You can still have a lovely tea and evening or get a take away.

tholeon · 10/03/2012 09:13

Yanbu I would be pissed off too. He owes you at least a day in a spa so you can have some time to yourself, though I guess it might have to wait if you are breastfeeding.

imnotmymum · 10/03/2012 09:21

A day in a spa ?? Away from the kids on Mother's Day surely that worse but I hate spas and a picnic watching cricket sounds lovely.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/03/2012 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Cumberbatched · 10/03/2012 09:22

Yes I look after the kids, Dh works full time. I wasn't looking for him to take the kids, it was more about being together as a family on a special day.

OP posts:
LittleAlbert · 10/03/2012 09:26

Shit when is Mother's Day???

Original poster
Cumberbatched · 10/03/2012 09:26

A picnic watching him play cricket is lovely, we end up doing that most Saturdays in the summer. Unfortunately this is cricket nets in an indoor sports centre, so not really a spectator event!

OP posts:
igggi · 10/03/2012 09:27

My dh is watching football on mother's day. I think I'll get a reasonable deal out of it as he was expecting me to be angry, but I've just said "we'll have it on Saturday instead". So I will be expecting an extra special day for being so accommodating!

AyeRobot · 10/03/2012 09:31

Sorry, Cumberbatched, I should have expanded a bit. I wasn't assuming that you wanted a child-free day, I was querying whether you both assume that you are the default carer, therefore making plans like these on weekends without any chat with you about it is normal in your household. Because, Mother's Day or not, that doesn't sound very equitable or respectful. Add in the fact that Mother's Day is laden with "This is the one day in the year that you should be nice to your mother/the mother of your children", I can understand why you might feel unappreciated.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/03/2012 09:31

I think the fact that it is Mother's Day is irrelevant tbh.

More to the point is that your DH has, without even having a discussion with you, absented himself for such a chunk of a Sunday. When you have older kids then perhaps it isn't such an issue, but when you have little ones and especially a baby it is all hands on deck and 6 hours out for fun rather than paid employment should be discussed before a commitment it made.

And the fact that FIL knew but not you would piss me off hugely, because it shows that DH was deliberately keeping this from you - presumably waiting for what he felt was a 'good' moment to tell you.

piratecat · 10/03/2012 09:32

yanbu

LittleAlbert · 10/03/2012 09:36

Ah March 18th.

I'll be working.

Op -I think you should get him to agree to something you want to do on another day. So could you go out to cinema / dinner the following week? What about a weekend away?

If you are a SAHM it's important you get some time to yourself so why not think about how you would like yo spend some time and get him to watch the DC while you do it. Make it a regular thing.

igggi · 10/03/2012 09:53

Let your dh take the kids to his parents for dinner. You could sleep/have a bath/go to a movie.

ComposHat · 10/03/2012 12:19

Yes, mother's day is a very old tradition and has been celebrated since at least the 1600s

Yes and no.

It used to be a day off granted to domestic servants so they could attend their mother church (where they were christened) during lent. It was nothing to do with mothers per se.

What we have today is relatively recent. My Gran claims it was unheard of when she was young. But what we have now is pure artifice. As I explained to my mum the year I forgot.