To think this is bloody rude and be thoroughly pissed off at family

[LionslipperPyreMaker]

Sil, Bil and their 2 DCs live a good 2.5 hours away. SiL is DPs sister. We all get on really well probably see each other 6-8 times a year.

Last time they visited, about a week before, she got in touch to say they were coming without BiL due to work commitments or something similar. DP and I suspected this was an excuse. BiL isn't big on family get-togethers, and while he is perfectly amenable and good company when we visit them, I think he doesn't relish the prospect of being a guest in someone else's home. Well either way, we didn't make a fuss about it.

SiL got in touch a while back to arrange coming to visit us again. Nothing was mentioned of BiL either way, so we just assumed he was coming. Had I taken the call/made the arrangements, I'd have checked. But DP was handling it and he seemed pretty relaxed about it, as far as he understood, BiL was coming.

They're arriving in the morning. I've booked a table for Sunday lunch for us all at the local, prepared dinner for Saturday night, got in plenty of wine and juice that I know BiL likes etc etc. DP's just looked up from facebook and said "Oh. Looks like BiL's not coming this weekend" He's on holiday in the Alps.

A big part of why I'm pissed off is my DNephew is very challenging and last time they visited, dealing with his behaviour was a real struggle. Without his Father there, he is even worse.

AIBU to be PISSED OFF that they didn't tell us whether he was coming or not? Know what? I don't care if I'm BU or not. I'm PISSED OFF

I'd be surprised if someone hadn't told me they weren't coming. How strange.

Families are bloody hard work.

I'd be more perturbed if someone I wasn't expecting turned up. You could always just drink the wine that you got in for him, that'll teach him.

Sounds like miss comunication if nothing was mentioned about him either way...perhaps your SIL thought you'd assume he wasn't as she didn't mention him and you didn't ask?

I think the child's behaviour is a different issue though and your SIL needs to be able to cope with him better.

I think we were supposed to assume he wasn't coming or something. I've grilled DP on what was said during the course of the arrangements but he can't remember and now he's fed up too and can't understand why I'm making such a big deal of it.

I'm so glad I spent two hours going around various wine merchants to get illusive kirsch because I know BiL likes cherry flavour deserts.

Worra you're right on both counts. I've decided that if DNephew is as bad as he was last time, I'm just going to have to have a chat with her. I've tried to stay out of it - its not my business, but last time, I was close to strangulating him. It IS my business when he's driving me up the wall in my own home.

So... I assume BIL booked holiday with mates, SIL did not fancy a week on her own looking after her kids without him, and booked herself on a "childcare holiday" to yours. Nice.

The dynamics change without BIL and it becomes a mums and kids weekend rather than an adults weekend with kids amusing themselves.
Isn't DH put out, does he join in as much or is he in the next room on the computer?
Sounds to me like DBIL gets great weekend away. DSIL gets help with the kids. And you get landed.

or maybe SIL is having some major marital problems, her husband is an arse and she wants to spend some time with people that love and support her

just a thought....

that's EXACTLY how I see it, Quint

I usually try and assume the best of people, but I feel mugged off here.

When they come, SiL sees it as a (well deserved) break and just wants to get absorbed in adult chit chat, as she is quit rightly entitled to. But that only works if there are two parents to tag team to ensure DNephew is under control.

Xd posts Quitessential

The dynamics change without BIL and it becomes a mums and kids weekend rather than an adults weekend with kids amusing themselves. Thats EXACTLY it, Angel that's what I've struggled to verbalise to DP.

My DP is great with the kids, it all falls to him. They idolise him and he becomes their court jester for the weekend. Which is fair enough, but he is comfortable disciplining DNephew/pulling him up on his behaviour. He's fucking KNACKERED at the moment, he's been getting in from work at 3am every morning (after a 7am start the day before) but he'll still pull out the stops to entertain the kids

*not comfortable

Arguably you assumed that BIL was coming so that's not SIL's fault. The issue with her DC is a different one altogether and something that you might need to address. What's the problem? Is it that you are like me and don't go a heap on having other DC in the house, especially if one or more is a little difficult or are there specific issues? I have to say I feel a little sympathy for BIL, I'm not big on family get-togethers either and don't relish the prospect of being landed in a situation where the only thing in common is that X is related to Y and I would have ducked out too.

or maybe SIL is having some major marital problems, her husband is an arse and she wants to spend some time with people that love and support her

Its highly unlikely, but you just never know, do you. It's because I'm always conscious that we only ever know half the story that I'm venting on here rather than making a massive issue of it IRL, and she will get love, support and pampering all weekend.

Maybe your dp will be so knackered he will snap and give your dn a stern telling off? Which will hopefully shock him into behaving as uncle .... never tells him off!

Hopefully?

I'd be pissed off too. That'll teach you for making an effort for visitors eh?

Yep Graham I totally agree, I empathise with BiL's lack of enthusiasm at coming, I know with its nothing personal. But its SiL who mooted this weekend, its not like we were begging them to come and stay. And BiL is aware that DNephew is a handful so I think he OUGHT to come, to support his wife, that's why I feel the issues are connected.

I don't mind DC in the house, DNiece is a joy. I also love my nephew to bits, he's a lovely child but to say he is hard work is an understatement.

Lolli thanks for the empathy! DP is just a massive softie. He'll take whatever they throw at him all weekend, then just collapes in a heap on Sunday night and weep quietly at the prospect of the 20hr day that awaits him.

Poor DH. :( Just thinking, maybe it's that BIL thinks that his DP should be perfectly capable of dealing with their DC alone? Maybe his POV, rightly or wrongly, is "well if you want to go, knowing that DS is difficult, then you deal with it lady because I don't think it's a good idea that we/you impose ourselves on the family to start with"?

I'm playing devil's advocate of course but I'm just wondering if it's possible that the problem isn't BIL but his SIL instead?

Hmm interesting take. I imagine BiL does think well she wants to go, on her head be it, mixed up with not a small bit of relief at a weekend off.

Oh and next time, get your dp to ring up the bil and say "you are coming this time aren't you mate? Not seen you in ages now" or something along those lines!

Hope it's not too exhausting, your dp sounds like a saint (and you!)

Could you go out with the kids somewhere so he doesn't have to be the entertainment, especially on the Sunday maybe?

Funny you should say that, lolli, I've just remembered last time we were down there we were chatting about how it was a shame he couldn't make it before and we all agreed that we were looking forward to him coming next time.

I'm planning lots of walks and visits to the village pubs, original thread is here I NCd on that one but I don't care now, I'm that pissed off.

YANBU my BIL does convenient disappearing tricks too. Meanwhile if we go there I have to chow down on his food, that he thinks is like proper posh grub. But on at least 2 occasions has resulted in galloping trots

haha! Perhaps I need to just give everyone food poisoning... That'll keep them in check....