To ask my DH for some more support?

[UsedToBePretty]

Namechanged as I don't wish to be recognised....

Pre-warning - this is full of rambling waffle but I need to get this off my chest - sorry.

Ever since I had my DS (3 years ago) I've been ill on and off with lots of vague but worrying symptoms. Since Christmas I've pretty much had one thing after another, with no period of time where I've really felt well. In the past three weeks, my DS got really ill with tonsillitis which resulted in neither of us getting any sleep, then I started to feel ill, had a few quite bad asthma attacks, and have been given antibiotics for a suspected upper respiratory infection as well as being on my second lot of steroids. My glands are up and I feel rotten - to be honest I think it's a virus that I just can't seem to shake off.

DS is really full on. He was a very unsettled baby who cried all the time, and as soon as he got to toddler stage he just became like one of those rubber bouncy balls that ricochets off everything. I permanently feel on edge as he careers around everywhere clumsily. Due to him doing everything so fast, he has fallen badly and had concussion twice last year. Because of this I have been the epitome of a helicopter mum recently, especially as the receptionist at the doctors told me that I should be careful in this day and age that he doesn't do it again ( I think she was implying that social services would be coming round or something). For the record, he wasn't unsupervised when these accidents happened - he fell off an upturned tub in the living room and I wasn't quick enough to catch him, and also came off his scooter as he was going too fast while I was telling him to slow down .

I feel like a hopeless mother. I hold his hand all the time when we are out, don't allow him to go up and down the stairs himself, ask him not to run about 50 times a day and try to teach him to be careful, but then I see all his little friends who are independent, racing about on their scooters, running ahead of their mums and I feel like I am wrapping him up in cotton wool (I am, I know). But every time I "let go" a bit, he ends up hurting himself in one way or another.

I have spoken to the GP and he prescribed me anti-anxiety meds (sertraline), but I took one and it kept me up all night and I couldn't face dealing with life on so little sleep. He has said to try again once I am better on half a tab. He also said that a lot of my mystery illnesses and symptoms could possibly be stress related.

Anyway, back to the point. DS goes to pre school four mornings a week, and apart from that I have very little support. My family all live 300 miles away, as do my close friends, the friends I have here are more "acquaintances" and not people that I feel I could call up for help with childcare etc. Apart from DH, we have his parents, but they are in their 70s/80s and apart from feeling guilty at always relying on them, they tire easily and are not capable of doing lots.

I don't know if this is a coincidence or not with regards to my illness, but DH took it upon himself to start building us an extension in October. He has been working on it pretty much every weekend since then, so he has been working 7 days a week, and I have been looking after DS 7 days a week. I have been finding it difficult because I just feel so exhausted, not to mention depressed at the fact that I am stuck on this hamster wheel of monotony day after day.

When I saw saw the asthma nurse on Thursday I was a wreck and had a very high pulse rate - she spoke to the doctor and they both thought I was very tired and needed to go home and go to bed. I rang DH in tears and said I was sorry to ask him but that the nurse had asked if he could please get an earlier train home as I needed to go to bed. His response was that he would be home as soon as he could, but he needed to do something first and would "be home when he's home". He did ring his mum and dad and asked them to come round to help me, which they did, but they spent an hour cleaning the kitchen and emptying the dishwasher, while ds pestered me to play with him. I asked him three times to go and get nanny but she just kept telling him she was busy. I don't think they really understood .

DH got home at 5.30pm and immediately came in the door to say "we need to get this sorted out because I can't take any time off work", also makes comments like "you're not that bad that you can't look after him surely?" I even let him speak to the asthma nurse on the phone when she rang, but it just seems to go in one ear and out the other. Sorry I am making him sound horrendous - he was obviously concerned about me, came and gave me a cuddle etc but his initial thoughts seemed to all be concerning himself.

Anyway he reluctantly took the day off yesterday but spent the day on his laptop researching stuff for the extension, intermittently shouting at DS for playing up (no wonder as he was getting no attention). The house is a tip - there is an overflowing washing basket, sheets need changed, hoovering and dusting and general tidying up. If I ask him to do anything to help out he rolls his eyes, sighs and throws his head back like a stroppy teenager, and then eventually tells me I am always getting on his case. I tried to speak to him about it yesterday but he just says he has got a very stressful job and he doesn't have time and he doesn't get enough sleep.

He has gone back to work today - I don't feel any better - in fact yesterday probably stressed me out more.

He is planning to work all weekend, but he is off on Monday.

So if you've made it this far - AIBU to ask him not to work the weekend/give me some more support, or is this something that I need to sort out myself?

I feel guilty even complaining as we only have one child and I am a SAHM, but I think it's the illness thing that is making life so hard. If I could just get myself healthy I think everything would be ok. Have seen GP a lot and had various blood tests, scans, chest x-ray, ecg etc - all normal.

I'm sorry, but i just couldnt get through all of it and i want to answer your post, i will read more in a minute.

First - you are a fantastic mum by the sounds of it, who needs to give herself a break.

Second - how DARE the receptionist make that comment - report her, seriously , i bet she doesn't have kids, or if she does, she has girls!

Please please PLEASE go back to your GP, this cannot go on like this. I would urge you go give the medication a try, you are like a cat on a hot tin roof and you are making yourself ill. I was on a very similar drug to serteriline and the first few days i was tripping like a nutter - seriously, but it settles down, for some people it takes a few weeks (not what you wanted to hear maybe) and then it really does help with the anxiety.

Thing is, anxiety can make you ill, it can give you all sorts of physical symptoms and they are real. Ive been where you are now, i have been hysterical in the doctors because i had lumps in my throat, errr, yeah, they were my tonsils (im a biochemist i should know better!), ive had referrals to breast clinics for breast pain, ulstrasounds, ecgs, blood tests etc etc. You have health anxiety and you are exhausting yourself with it.

Please try and understand that your DH is probably bewildered and trying to pretend there is nothing wrong.

Go back to the doctors, maybe take DH with you, i had to take my DP in the end as he was horrified about me going onto ADs. But once he realised i was ILL it helped him to understand. Ask to be given some counselling, there will be a waiting list but do please insist upon it, it is not enough simple to dole out the pills. FWIW serteraline is one of the better ADs in terms of side effects so i ould really consider perservering with them. Explain to your DH that you might feel shit for the first few nights, see if he can take some time off ? Oh and take the pills in the morning, might be better.

Your little boy sounds wonderful, a normal, boisterous happy wee lad - thye have accidents, boys do this.. you are NOT a bad mother.

Ok, so, your DH really needs to look at himself here too, but i just imagine that he is exhausted too from pushing himself too hard. He has a stressful job and a home made extension to put up. Then he has to admit to himself that this is having a negative affect on his family - that is a bitter pill for him to swallow, but swallow it he must. My DP had loads of time off work when i was ill and i really wish he didnt because he is self employed and it put us in soo much debt. Is your DH self employed? is this why he can't have time off? It is such a scary job market. I think the better route is to maybe put the extension on hold for a bit, or bring in some help and take the pressure off a bit.

I dont think your DH is a bad man, i just think his head is firmly up his arse because he actually isn't managing things so well. You are right, he needs to support you more.

It sounds to me like the real problems here are

1. you're very rundown, and stuck in a vicious cycle of fatigue > illness > everything on top of you --> fatigue.
2. you don't have any local support network other than your DH, who is very busy. This is a killer, everyone needs friends, especially when you have a stressful life. And, partly because of 1, the total amount of things that you as a couple have on at the moment (demanding three year old, stressful job, extension) are more than the two of you can cope with on your own. Though it does sound like your DH needs to stop with the extension for the moment. Also, maybe when he takes the child it would be better if he took him out somewhere, rather than stay at home?

Here's a couple of suggestions, I don't know how reasonable they are.

Is there anyone from back home- ideally a close friend with children- who could have your three year old for a few days whilst you have a real break, ie, you're not physically there? Maybe combine it with a visit to said close friend/family member. Two or three days with nothing to do might really rest you.

I guess you've probably done this, but try all the playgroups etc around where you are to try and make friends with some othe mums fof young children. If you can make just two or three friends who you see once a week for coffee whilst the kids entertain each other, that will make all the difference.

I have just thought of something else too - Ask your Health visitor if you have any Homestart Schemes running in your area. This is a charity set up to suppport parents. Both generally and when things are tough - i totally hear what you are saying about the GPs the other day, you must have felt quite frustrated but sometimes peole just feel that they need to DO something. You could speak to homestart about maybe having a volunteer visit you, they will help in the way YOU need it, and if that means playing with your mini whirlwind while you get some rest or even have the opportunity to do a bit of sheet folding (uuggh) whatever you want.

Good luck OP, i'll shut up now

In reply to the question in the title of your post, yes I think you need to ask your DH for support.

How about saying to him "you're right, we need to get this sorted. I understand it's not easy for you to take time off work, but I'm really struggling here. Can we sit down together and talk about ways to make it easier for me?". Try to keep the conversation calm and solutions-focused rather than teary and emotional - I think many men respond better to this. Suggest some compromises, eg maybe he could spend one day a week, not two, on the extension and the other day with you and DS? If he says the extension will then take longer to finish, say you don't mind about that and your health is the most important thing right now. Try to engage him so it's a two-way discussion - ask him if he has any ideas to contribute too.

Are you putting pressure on yourself to have the house perfect? Seriously, compared to your health, your DS, and your relationship with your DH the state of the house should be the last thing on your mind. Presumably DS starts school in 18 months so you will have a bit more time then? In the meantime, during DS's time at pre-school, spend an hour doing the bare minimum and then let yourself sleep or relax for the next couple of hours.

Lastly, don't worry about the social services thing. Even if they did pay a visit (I think it's true that they do flag up repeat visits to A&E after the Baby P case), they would just want to see you with him and ask a few questions and that would be it. They aren't about to take him away from you!

Could you insist ask that DH takes one day off working on the extension per fortnight or something? It doesn't have to stop but it might give you a day of shared parenting - or even some time to yourself?

Thank you all so much for the responses.

DS is a wonderful little boy - I love him so much and he lights up my life, but sometimes I just feel like I need a break. I need some me time.

I am definitely going to go back to the GP. There is a lovely lady doctor who I have been seeing for a long list of problems. Up until recently no-one had mentioned anxiety to me. They asked if I was depressed, but I told them that yes I was depressed, but only because of all the health issues I was having. I really didn't want to go on medication then because I honestly thought it wasn't depression that was causing me to feel that way. Anxiety or stress on the other hand makes a lot of sense.

I am definitely going to ask about counselling too. On top of what I have already mentioned, we also have DH's ex partner who regularly harasses and insults us for no good reason (DH doesn't really know how to deal with her), and last time we went to visit my family, in November) DH and BIL had an argument and BIL attacked DH physically (throttled him and headbutted him) - I tried to pull him off but couldn't, and then he turned round and pushed me. We rang the police and pressed charges and because of this, my mum and my sister are no longer speaking to me or DH. I know it sounds crazy but that is my family for you. So I have had that to deal with as well as an impending court case next month which is obviously impacting on DH too. It truly was the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me - I thought he was going to kill my husband or seriously injure him - I was screaming for help but as my mum lives in quite a big house, no-one could hear me. I wonder whether or not I am also suffering some sort of post traumatic stress.

Due to this, I'm obviously not in a position to go to them for help, and all my friends work full time and have yet to have children.

That Homestart thing sounds like a good idea too - I haven't seen a health visitor since DS was a baby so maybe that's a route I need to go down.

DH doesn't really understand health issues at all - he is like some sort of machine. He had a hernia repair op and was told to be off work for two weeks and he went back to work the next day! He never gets ill. He is not self employed, but they have been making cuts at work and I think that is at the back of his mind, even though I'm sure his job is pretty secure.

I've told him that we need to talk, but I am not really relishing the idea because as much as I try to stay calm, he can get quite defensive and that obviously makes me feel more uptight.

Thank you all for your input - it has really really helped just to get things out of my head and hear an impartial view. I had been beginning to feel like I was going crazy .

Yes PopcornMouseInBoots - I am going to have to insist I think - it's the only way. I was actually at the point where I thought I might just walk out and go to a hotel and leave him to deal with it!

YANBU at all.

The fact that he doesn't get ill explains a lot, I think people who have very strong constitutions just don't get how low and run down and awful it is possible to feel without there being any one specific thing that is wrong. I am asthmatic and this virus that has been going around this winter has knocked me for 6, and that then means I have no energy and other things pile on top.

Surely the extension can go on hold for a weekend so that you can catch up with some sleep? In his mind he is probably thinking 'I am doing everything' because he is working and also doing this extension, without actually thinking about what you have to do too.
I wouldn't be amused about the eye-rolling re. domestic tasks though - has he always been like that since before you had your DS?

Final point - are you able to buy in any help? A cleaner for a few hours to straighten the place out? Some extra hours at preschool for DS so that you can get some more sleep?

YANBU

You are clearly struggling and it is his responsibility as your husband to support you when you need it.

Usedtobepretty I am sure you still are!

I felt exactly the same as you did about the medication, i didnt feel like i was depressed, but the anxiety does wear you down. I think its very common for mums to get anxiety after they have a child, after all that child needs us for everything, its huge, and the what ifs terrify me. It does get better though. Incidentally, serteraline, according to my doctor is one of the drugs they target anxiety with as it seems to have good results. I went back recently because although i felt better, the actual "feeling" anxious is still there - have decided to wait a bit longer but good to know i have a safety net. There are several liks in mental health on here to some great resources to help you cope with anxiety issues. I think that is what is exhausting you rather than your son, once that is tackled you will feel so much brighter

Feel free to PM me if you want to ask me anything else about health anxiety, maybe post on the mental health section where im sure you will get lots of support too - sometimes it good to know that you aren't actually mad and lots of other people feel the same way.

This WILL get better, i promise xx

Your DH is being mean and unhelpful.
Can you put your DS in a nursery/send him to a childminder/get a temporary or part-time nanny or babysitter for a while?
Clearly what you need is a good rest and you're not getting any support from the people around you.
Anxiety and depression go hand in hand and the same drugs work for both. But they take a few weeks to kick in and for the side effects to settle down, so you might actually feel worse for a while at first!

Hello again. Have spoken to DH and he is not working this weekend - he realises now how much things have got on top of me and he admitted that he has been taking me for granted.

He actually came straight in from work and took DS out to play football and for dinner and then I went for a jacuzzi swim to see if it would help me to relax my chest a bit!

I've been looking into a cleaner on a short term basis and also considering childcare for DS, but it's all extra money that we would like to try not to spend. I'd like to go back to work but I feel like I need to get myself right first.

Feeling quite sad for DS tonight at the effect that a this is having on him too , but I'm feeling more positive now that it will get better!

Thanks Goawaybob - I will look at the mental health section - I think it always helps to know that you are not the only one going through something

really glad your DH has seen sense It sounds like you have a good man there.

If having a cleaner gets you back on your feet quicker then it will be a sound investment if you are are intending on going back to work - just a thought :)

So glad to see you sounding more positive.

One of the things i do if i start fretting about things is just tell myself quite firmly "im not having it, now get out" (thought from head) it works, not always but a good amount of the time.

Do keep us up to date with things, if you like xx

Poor you, it is shit without a break even without health problems, you are doing extremely well, and I am glad your DH listened to you :)
Is your DS not 3? I think, unless its changed significantly, you can get some free nursery/childcare hours? Even a morning a week helps. A lot!

Well done you - you talked to him and managed to get some time. Things got on top of me too. I arranged a cleaner once a fortnight (a 16 year old who is quite reasonable cost wise), arranged to have some 'me' time and also family time each weekend, agreed I'd have the kids one day at the weekend to allow DH to get on with the extension. He also has evenings too.

I'm pleased you've at least been able to talk it through with your DH. Not much to add to what everybody else has said, but definitely contact your HV; if they have Homestart in your area, you'll find it a great help.

BTW, you sound like a great mum. I think most of us feel useless sometimes, but I convince myself that as long as I love my DCs and look after them and try not to screech at them too much they'll be OK. ADs really helped me, so hope you find the right medication/counselling for you.

Can your DS go to pre school for at least one whole day a week so you get a good block of a couple of hours where you can do a couple of jobs and then sit down with a book for an hour or two.

Spend the money if you need too. Otherwise you are saying that your health is not worth spending thirty quid on.

Thank you again everyone.

pamplemousse and Chazs - yes he is 3.8 so he gets 15 free hours, but the pre school that he goes to only does half days. He does four mornings - he could do five, but I like to have a whole free day with him so that we can go out for the day if we want. He starts school in September, which is good in a way, but another thing that I am fretting about, as he will have just turned four and he is definitely quite immature compared to his friends. I'm now wondering whether or not my anxiety has rubbed off on him - I know that they can pick these things up. Hopefully if I can get myself sorted, he will start to become more confident too.

Well done, OP!

Glad to hear things are looking up :)

Well done to goaway too, what wonderful heartfelt advice. MN at its best :)

My DD is the second youngest in her year and i was worried about her starting school at only just four. I needn't have, she sailed through, had a few wobbly days to start, but they all do that anyway. Reception was a breeze - it was just like play school but longer If im totally honest, when she started year 1 i noticed she was struggling a bit, but she had a fantastic teacher and he really supported and looked after her,and now she is in year 2, loves school and is doing really well [proud].

Dont even give head space to your child picking up your anxiety, I was a nervous wreck and my daughter is really confident bossy little madam!

Usedtobe both of my sons are August birthdays. DS1 was 4yrs and 1 week when he started school. They both settled surprisingly quickly. The only thing I found is that they got really tired by the end of the week.

OP, I hope you are feeling better now xxx

Thanks Goawaybob

I'm awake in the night again had a really bad day Sunday, good day today - GP now thinks I have reflux as none of my asthma meds seem to be making a difference.

I'm pretty sure that all these things are stress or anxiety related so I've been trying to be calm, but I just wish they'd all go away!

DH has been great - really helped in the last three days, but he is back to work tomorrow so I'll just need to see how I get on.

Seriously looking into extra help with childcare and cleaning.

Doctor wants to me to hold off on the sertraline until I get the reflux sorted, but I might look at private counselling as I feel there's a lot that would benefit from getting off my chest!!

Thank you again so much for the support x