To wish the school had not waited until parents eve!

[forgossake]

First post, so please put your sympathetic heads on - I do want honest opinions but be gentle with me!! Apologies for the long post.

Ok, so I've just returned from my 9 yr old DS2's parents eve, where we both ( DS and I) basically ended up in tears.

After being told loads of really positive stuff about his school work etc, his teacher ( very experienced but a bit dragonlike!), told me that he sometimes gets very upset at school and talks to her about his homelife. She understands that I have 4DCs (14,9,2&1) and things can be chaotic but suggested that DS is a middle child and is left out. She also said he is scared to talk to me about his problems. Like rows with his older brother and rows between me and DH.

I am mortified. Firstly that he feels he cannot talk to me, secondly that stupid family arguments may have affected him. DH and I do not row a lot (bicker maybe) but there have been some occasions recently where things have got heated as DS1 is doing the teenage thing and we are trying so goddamn hard to be good parents - maybe too hard... anyway - poor old DS2 sits in the background having to put up with all this. I always try to talk to him afterwards to reassure him but I am aware its not nice for him.

I am well aware of 'middle child syndrome' and try to make one to one time for him ( we bake together a lot) I tell him I love him everyday and often remind him that he can tell me anything - but his teacher seems to have the impression that he's completely neglected. So now i feel like a complete failure.

To add to this, on the way home DS and I had a heart to heart and he told me that he'd been in trouble at school twice for swearing. The 'f' word. Why have they not told me this? I think my DS has told them that he is scared of getting in trouble with me and DH - well we would have talked to him, maybe restricted xbox but its not like we would have beat him and locked him up - we don't smack, swear or scream at our DCs.

But AIBU to wonder why this has just all come out tonight at parents eve? It was awful leaving in floods with loads of parents waiting outside.
He has been feeling like this for a couple of months so couldn't they have contacted me earlier? And let me know about his bad language - which the teacher didn't bother to mention at all tonight. Or do they just think that i am utterly a crap mum?? Sorry for the rant - feeling slightly emotional

Aw, that's a horrible thing to have happened and yes, imho, they should have had this conversation with you at a private time, not in amongst open evening!

I think, personally, I would get an appointment with the head teacher, and ask her to explain why she thought this was the best course of action.

Hi forgosake, welcome to MN! Did the teacher tell you all this infront of your DS?

That must have been really hard to hear and yes they should have told you before now but at least he is talking about his problems rather than just bottling them up, now you can at least work on the issues, don't feel bad about it though, it happens.

I feel that they should have pulled you in and had a quiet word earlier in my opinion. I thought teachers had a duty of care? And therfroe maybe needed to let you know this before hand? I feel this was unfair to spring on you, at parents eve. I hope you manage to get things sorted out.

completely inappropriate to have this conversation at parents evening. i would speak to head too.

I am/was a middle child and had a shit childhood .l... So having read your post i LOVE that you tell your 9yo you love him every day, do baking etc. the lines of communication are there for him, perhaps he needs to be asked, prodded, etc, reminded, that you are always there for him. He sounds like he is really loved (made me cry a bit tbh)

The school should have told you all that before parents evening though. I would be really upset and angry if i was hearing that just now.

Hope you can get some decent answers about why it wasnt dealt with and why on earth you werent told.

It seems like an appropriate time to tell you, so long as it was private. She wasn't to know you'd end up in tears. At least she's said something as is concerned for your DS.

Your definately not a crap mum. I think everything we do as parents we feel guilty about.
Too much hw- too little hw
Too much tv/ xbox etc
Healthy food/ too much junk food!
Arguing. I could go on and on and on
No body is perfect.
Im not. But life goes on!
As long
as you love your kids and are consistant with them , they will be ok.

Absolutely innappropriate to do that in a short time slot at parents evening. Parents evening is for discussing your childs progress at school, not for bringing up serious concerns.

I feel the teacher should have asked for a meeting with you before now, and in private not with your poor DS present.

And you're not a crap Mum.

Hugs,
A different more private time might have been better I agree.

I think 8-10 is the age that children grow up most. They begin to understand that the world isn't the nice safe cuddly place we'd like it to be for them.

Some of them take it far more seriously than others. DD1 is well aware of the fact that her parents occasionally have explosive shouting matches. She also knows we'll kiss and make up.

DD2 gets hysterical upset (she's now 11). She just doesn't have her sister optimistic it will be ok gene. Several of her class are divorced, which doesn't help.

I've found you just have to keep channels of communication open with her. Talk when she wants to talk and dole out lots of hugs, but like DH she'll always have a slightly pessimistic streak.

I am glad they've told me, and yes, my DS was sat beside me - he was pretty upset as i think he'd always thought that he was talking to her in confidence, bless him.

God if she had any idea how much time i spend thinking about their happiness!

The school is a 'rights respecting school' which is great and all, but i remember when one of their topics was about worries. And DS and a few other children came out of school v upset - i was pregnant at the time and he thought i might die during labour! Obviously reassured him, but would that have even occurred to him if they hadn't asked them to discuss their worries?

You sound like a lovely mum!! I agree it must have been awful to find it all out at parents eve. I suggest you sit down with 9 year old (when no one else is around) and ask him what you as parents can do to make things better? Let him tell you what his needs are and then you can make an action plan together. As a middle child I had lots of un-met needs - there was lots of us kids and my parents were thinly spread. Try to find out what his needs are. Maybe you might hold a family meeting some weekends and set some new rules or routines?

KennyP, stop or I will cry again too!

Thank you for your replies,you have completely calmed me down. i think i will have a word with the head - dropping this on us during a ten min slot is not ideal.

Poor Ds - he has always been so happy go lucky, like startail said, maybe he is realising the world is not always easy.

I think it was inappropriate to raise this with you in front of your ds but I think that if they had been really concerned about his welfare or about your parenting then you would have been called in separately.

But, it has made you think, even though you are upset and it has made you aware of how your ds is feeling deep down. I think the teacher must have had a great deal of respect for you as a parent to bring it into the open in the way that she did.

I think you should make an appointment with the teacher first and ask her why she did it in the way that she did and what she feels you can do to support your ds and what in turn she can do to support him. If that is not received in a helpful way, then I would speak to the Head.

It sounds like your DS has had a "bit of a whinge" one day, to his teacher, (like we vent on here maybe and she has sort of seen her chance and decided to tell you. If she thought you'd take it badly or "take it out on" DS she would never have mentioned it, so she must see a loving, caring mother when she sees you, honestly.
My no2 son found it quite difficult when DD was born - he was 8 - (and she was followed by 2 more brothers!) and his teacher at parents evening saw fit to tell us no2 son had said "yes we've got a new baby - I HATE IT" What he meant was that he hated having to give up his room and share with pfb and suchlike, not that he hated DD, but I was gutted when the teacher just said it like that...
It is hard when you have tinies in the house to run behind, but now that you know your DS has some "stuff" you can sit and talk to him about it, and he knows you love him. It will be all right, really it will.
As for the swearing - I gave no3 son and DD permission to say, on a sunday, and only in the privacy of their own rooms "Fuck a DUCK" loudly once for some reason they think it's the funniest thing ever in the whole world .
Yesterday I got to school and my darling five year old shouted "I did literacy mummy, and I wrote a swear word" in front of every parent in the class and then, while I'm trying to wrestle his coat and hat and lunch box and work, he shouted "I wrote DAMIT LOOK" and I looked and said "you spelled it wrong" this morning I lurked in the bushes and waved through the fence when I dropped him off

marriedinwhite you are right, it has made me think. It definately shook me and DH up to be told all this. It was quite brave of her to come out with this, just wasn't expecting it at parents eve - we really had only five mins to discuss this after we did the academic bit.

I am going to give the teacher the benfit of the doubt and speak to her first. She is known as quite an outspoken teacher - lots of parents are not keen, but I think she cares a lot about her class. I just hope she realises how much I care about my DS!

pombear thanks for your great advice and thanks for making me PMSL.

DS would think its his birthday if I let him say 'fuck a duck' loudly in his room, but knowing him, he would also go tell his teacher

If your son truly believed he was talking to his teacher in confidence, she was wrong to break his confidence IMO.

If a child chooses to talk to me about personal stuff, I always assure them, that child protection issues aside ( worded in a child friendly way of course), whatever they tell me is in confidence UNLESS I have their express permission to discuss it with somebody else. I also always encourage them to talk to their parents, at least to let them know there is somebody at school who is listening to them, but I cannot force them to talk to parents if they do not wish to. I actually think this teacher may have completely broken your DS trust in her and if there was ever a serious problem, he may now choose not to share, but to keep it to himself. I would be more concerned about that than the fact that she chose parents evening to break a confidence.

FWIW, if a child tells me they cannot talk to a parent, i will always offer to be present to help them begin what can be a difficult conversation, but, even as young as he is, if he says he doesn't want to tell you, she should not have put him in that position.

As a teacher I agree that this was discussed at the wrong time and I do think you should speak to the teacher and express that you are unhappy that this was revealed in this way.

I also agree with Sayithowitis if your ds was speaking to the teacher in confidence she shouldn't have told you unless she advised him that she would speak to you. Whenever a child reveals something to me I always ask if they would like me to speak to parent if they say no I have to respect that, obviously child protection issues are different.

When parental arguements is a source of upset to a child, confidence can be broken, especially in a child under 10. However it should have been delt with differently.

It's a tough one because if you had of been called into the school to discuss it, it would have made more of it, than perhaps it is. It depends on how pasterol care is handled at the school.

I agree that your DS is coming to an age were things bother them more. I never realised how much my teenagers anger bothered my youngest DD, until she broke down at home, during another anger outburst and admitted that she had spoken to a teacher about it.

It happens and it is should now be about how you reasure your DS and perhaps think if there can be changes made. You need to speak to the teacher again.