Is my husband being unreasonable?

[stroppyhusband]

I would really appreciate opinions on this issue. Sorry it's long!

Husband works full time, I dont work at all. He hates his job. I have looked for work to fit around children (no family to help) but no success. Did see early evening job advertised but H said "that means I will be stuck with the kids every night".

Our income had reduced as I used to work then claimed incapacity benefit (now stopped) as had breast cancer and other health probs.

have put loads of weight on due to medication. I'm swimming twice a week during the day and recently started couple exercise classes and slimming club in the evening. These are only 1 hour classes.

Husband has been moody for a few days about my "going out all the time".
First he questions the cost of the classes, I tell him the cost and say I will cut down on any luxuries I have, make up, hair cuts etc.

He then asks why should he be looking after the children after being at work all day. I tell him I will take them with me to the classes.

He then says that he might like to do some classes himself so I tell him go ahead. I've mentioned to him many times about doing something himself. He then says, how will I find the time to do some classes (?).

I then tell him okay I will stop slimming club and exercise classes. His response is "do what you like", and that I should discuss with him first about doing anything in the evening instead of just telling him about it.

Who is BU?

The children end up being caught in the middle of this. He tells me in front of them that I am being moody and that I read too much into what he says and that he has not asked me to give up anything. He then says that I am gaslighting him!!

Thanks

Oh and YANBU. Keep doing what you are doing because no matter what you do and what hoops you jump through he won't be happy so I wouldn't bother my arse trying. And I'd tell him too, that he can wallow in his own misery but you don't have to. Tell him you want to see some positive action from him on GP
And job front before you make any more adjustments based on his whims.
And go do that job because if this keeps up you may need your own income.

Blue Fergie has just said it - he's clinically depressed and needs to seek help. Good luck selling that to him though, so often the person suffering doesn't realise they've actually got an illness.

I agree with BlueFergie

But the hardest bit will be for him to acknowledge it is his problem

Thank you all for your comments.

Hopefully will talk to him when we are away at Easter.

He does sound depressed and TBH I don't think it would be fair on your DCs if you got an evening job as it sounds like your DH would be shouting at them all the time.

However as your DCs are if school age I think you should look for a job during the day as your childcare bills would be manageable.

OP

So he is irritable, negative and critical, lacking motivation? - all signs of depression

How is his sleep? Waking early? Unable to get to sleep?
Appetite? Weight gain or loss?
Is he socialising?

Having read what your dd says about him, I really. Would urge him, for her sake to seek assessment for depression. I was in my early 20s, living at home briefly after university, when my dad started with depression, and it has been very hard to dope with. God know what it is like for an 11 year old to feel she has to tread on eggshells.

If he is not depressed, then his behaviour is still damaging family life and he needs help to magae his stress

Could you show him this thread?

He needs to go to gp.
Before you Go away at Easter
Gp will do depression questionnaire with him .

Don't set up your break away to be a nitemare with him.

March him to gp tomorrow or Monday go with him and tell gp he hates his job is moody can't stand noise etc.

All signs depression and increasing anxiety.

He goes to gp or you go away at Easter without him.

Not fair to expose kids to him 24/7 if he not prepared to do something about his moods.
Your dc are suffering. Listen to what your dd is saying.

Your h maybe does need help give him that chance .
But don't put up with this behaviour towards his children any more.

The fact he won't go to your dd show is awful.
Tell him if he cannot manage that then he has to get some help.
Maybe he didn't talk to someone when you were ill ? Did you and or him talk to Macmillan nurse etc or counsellor ?

The more you say the more he sounds like my exp who did resign his hated job but got worse and worse depression then exploded over holiday mess.

The not being able to stand noise etc is serious and signs of anxiety.
Be careful if he does "break down " call 999 or get him to a and e .

Don't wait another four weeks til Easter . Act now to get him to gp.

Further to your comments, he has gained weight as he said he eats lots of chocolate at work to make him feel better.

I had counselling after my cancer treatment ended, he hasnt but says he doesnt believe in it. He dealt with losing both his parents when he was young.

I spoke to him last night and told him to quit his job, He said he wont be forced out by his boss (well actually he said smack head - H works for large ins co and his boss openly talks about taking drugs!) who is the problem at work.

Also said he needs to go to GP about depression. I'm taking anti-d's since cancer diagnosis, again he doesnt believe in these!.

I intend to speak to him again at some point. As of today though we are not on speaking terms.

I'm sorry, this sounds like a terrible atmosphere. Is this how he is normally - not speaking to you (I assume as a result of you raising this with him?).

I think what I'd say to him is that, much as it might hurt him to feel forced out, the present situation is untenable. Either he seeks help about his boss (Union?, HR dept, bosses boss) or does what thousands of people do every day, which is to leave a job that is damaging his well-being and the well-being of his family.

If he can't do either, then he needs to do something to make him motivated enough to do so - go to the GP.

Do you ever go out together as a couple?

4 years ago my husband was diagnosed with OCD an anxiety related MH disorder he had been living with for years. It escalated beyond all management after the birth of our first child and moving to a job he hated. He had depression too but only as a side effect of having unmanaged OCD.
Like your DH he did not believe in counselling or drugs. Eventually I told him if he didn't go to GP I would leave him. I couldn't remain in a marriage that was so miserable because of the constant negativity and moodiness. He got help. He never took any meds but he had intensive therapy and counselling. Even with all that our lives only improved dramatically when he got a new job.
We still live with OCD or really he does as he manages it so well now it only occasionally impacts me, but our life is so much better now.
I have no doubt though that had he not sought help I would have been absolutely right to leave.

I've got a similar situation atm, hubby hates his job, is trying to get a sideways transfer with no luck as yet and we couldn't afford for him to leave his job as he earns a decent wage. There is no way he would earn as much if he changed employer. I work part time - 3 evenings a week and you would think I was delibrately making him look after the kids while I was out partying all night! I think your husband is being somewhat unreasonable, but I've also seen what working in a job you really hate can do. I would try to do more classes during the day, and try to spend more time in the evenings spending time together. Maybe have one evening when you can meet up with your friends who work, possibly get your husband to do something - whether it be go to the pub with his friends/ join a gym, and invite your friends to your house while he is out. You both need time to yourselves but tbf, you get a lot more of that than he does so try to understand where he is coming from.