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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send ex photos of our son everyday?

21 replies

washingonawednesday · 08/03/2012 08:49

We split when he was 4 months old. ExH left us for another woman who he now lives with far far away and sees our son every other weekend.

Week before last he had him for his first extended visit- 9 days and as it was the longest I've been without him (and i was a bit unsure how happy he would be) I text morning and evening asking how he was, how he slept, what he ate etc. the ex mostly replied to me, but also sent quite a few pictures. I suspect this was in part to be nice but mainly as a dig (look how happy he is with daddy...)

Anyway, he's now back with me and my ex is constantly texting asking how he is and asking for photos. Previous to that week away I didn't hear from him between visits apart from a quick logistics call before he came down. All this new contact is driving me mad!

He is also getting increasingly shitty with me when I don't send pics. I don't take pics everyday. I'm a single mum and as much as I love my son, baby wrangling on your own can be exhausting and a bit soul destroying and comments like 'I dont have the privilege of seeing him everyday like you' really wind me up. No you don't get that priviledge, neither do you get up with him every night, and struggle everyday trying to stop him throw food on the floor, get in all the cupboards, deal with tantrums, etc etc. his choice to leave me and in doing so his son and yes being away from him is hard as he is delightful- but bloody tough!

I think he's finally realised what he's missing, and in future I won't send so many texts when he has him as I now know how intrusive it feels, but I'm buggered if I'm constantly thinking throughout the day 'must tell ex this, must photo that, must remain in cintact'

Aibu?

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 08/03/2012 08:55

It must be hard for you having him harping on daily maybe he was a bit miffed you were always in contact with him while your son was away , however it was his first time and 9 days is a long time , what age is your son ?
your Ex is perhaps as you said realising what he is missing , but you dont need to be telling him everything , Why dont you do him a weekly email send some pictures of your son , Next time he Texts you say i will send you some pictures at the weekend with the email ?

Mrsjay · 08/03/2012 08:56

and no YANBU

BigGirlInASmallWorld · 08/03/2012 08:59

YANBU - :)

You are doing great!

nappymaestro · 08/03/2012 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjay · 08/03/2012 09:05

@baby wrangling

RosieBooBoo · 08/03/2012 09:13

It sounds like he really loves his son and is doing exactly what you did when your son wasnt with you, how long does it take to take a pic on your phone and press send? Really 10 secs?
It sounds like your still quite angry about him leaving you, but would you prefer to be in a unhappy realtionship for the rest of your life? Iknow it was his choice to leave but it sounds like your using your son to punish him for it.

MrGin · 08/03/2012 09:14

I think a picture of dc everyday is a bit excessive / unreasonable tbh, and I say that as an NRP. So MrGin says.................YANBU.

Him sending you pictures of dc whilst on holiday... well you do say i was a bit unsure how happy he would be on holiday so him sending pictures may not be a case of mainly as a dig (look how happy he is with daddy , he may have taken your concerns on-board.

Of course he may, yes , be having a dig, but I wouldn't jump straight to that conclusion.

My XP also expressed concerns about how dd would be with me, I guess it's natural, but unfounded as dd is perfectly happy with me, so I send pictures to mum every now and then to try and put to rest her thoughts that dd must be unhappy away from mum.

I think keeping dad in the loop is probably a good thing in the long run. I'd say a brief text in the evening is about as far as it should go though. The odd picture here and there, yes, but not everyday.

My XP recently stopped texting every evening, and now does so every other evening, I'd prefer the former, but I see it as a courtesy so I can't insist on anything. It was telling however that when she went away for a week recently she got the hump that I wasn't texting every night.

I think, leaving aside him leaving, in terms of texting and pictures you should do to him as you wish him to do to you.

UC · 08/03/2012 09:18

I remember your other thread. I think your ex is (in a rather passive aggressive way) trying to prove a point - that he got fed up with your texts when he had your son for the 9 days recently. I am also a single parent, and I have learnt the hard way that when my DCs are with their dad, I leave them to get on with it, without texting etc. My ex and I would both get in touch with eachother if there was an emergency, so if I don't hear, I assume all is well. I have to trust their dad, that he will feed them, clothe them etc. when they're with him. You can't control what your ex does on his time, if that makes sense. I realised that quite early on, and as soon as I let go, I actually found I was happier with the situation.

If I was you, I'd say to your ex that he's made his point!

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 08/03/2012 09:25

YANBU, but you were just as bad when you asked for updates every day. My dc are much older, but my ex and I text each other pictures of particularly exciting things when the dc are with the other one. It's nice for them and it's nice for us. We completely co parent, so I talk to ex on the phone frequently about things to do with the dc. Maybe your ex wants to build a relationship like that with you? It has to work both ways though, he needs to be around for moral support when you need it too if he wants to be so involved in his ds.

YABU to say that he sent pictures to make a dig at you. You were asking for updates, and surely you do want to know that your ds is happy with his Dad.

WilsonFrickett · 08/03/2012 09:32

It sounds like he's being passive-agressive in response to you over texting when he had DS for the 9 days. Fair enough, now you know and you won't do that again. The way to meet passive agressive behaviour is through positive assertiveness IMO (well, and MN as I learned it from here).

Next time you have a handover, invite him in for a cup of tea and say you want to discuss a few things. Say how happy you were that DS got on so well when he was on holiday with him, and how supportive XP was to send you the photos. Say that you now realise you were a bit over anxious and that you won't do that again. Tell him you're really happy that it worked out for them and that you hope the two of you can now move forward as parents - basically, what Flossie said^^.

Because ultimately, isn't that what you want? that you can both have a great time with DS and share him, and send pics when it's something special but not 'to order' three times a day?

MrGin · 08/03/2012 09:40

invite him in for a cup of tea and say you want to discuss a few things

I'd caution that, unless you get on really well and know there isn't any chance of an argument starting. Potentially I'd say it could. Personally I wouldn't raise any contentious issues when my dd was within earshot. Either do it via email / phone or arrange a meet up without the dc.

TheSecondComing · 08/03/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegb · 08/03/2012 10:04

I think you being concerned the first time your baby was away from you, especially at such a young age, is totally different from someone who hasn't been there for the last four months except on brief visits, wanting daily updates - and for how long, forever?

I think you were amazingly generous and trusting to allow the baby to stay with him for so long, on his terms, and he should be really grateful for that.

He's made his bed and now has to lie in it. He could have had daily contact and a much more hands on role if he stayed with you. He chose another relationship over you and your son. Don't let him pretend it was only about you, he knew you were having a baby thus that he was choosing a different and limited parental relationship. Of course you want to encourage a good relationship but on reasonable terms, you are the primary care and entitled to freedom, stability and privacy in your life.

He can't be allowed to blackmail you by playing on a fear that he might drift off and the relationship with your son break down unless you accept all his terms and conditions. Stick up for yourself calmly and I'm sure in time you'll find an acceptable equilibrium.

Original poster

washingonawednesday · 08/03/2012 10:21

I find it totally intrusive and yes I agree that's how it would have been from me and I won't do it again, but my son is only 14 months and it was our first serious amount of time apart. I don't cluster bomb texts when he has him just for the weekend.

I'm not punishing him by withholding photos, I just don't want him in my life or on my phone! If i take a good photo i send it, but quire frankly i dont have the time. (she says on mumsnet... Ho hum). A lot of the photos were of the pair of them taken by his new partner. Great. Easy to Do. You've got 2 sets of hands and someone to share it with. I said 'would you rather have a happy baby as I play with him or a pissed off, ignored baby while mummy Fannys around taking photos and texting? As a single mum it's not easy for me' and I was told to 'spare him the pity party'! Pleasant eh?

OP posts:

lottiegb · 08/03/2012 10:33

Oh I got the age and timing wrong but still, only slightly less amazed at your trust with 14 month rather than 4 month old and, given he left a 4 month old, he knew what he was leaving all the more.

Just say no and tell him calmly and firmly what you will be doing, repeat until udnerstood. Don't feel the need to explain or justify yourself in any way that requires understanding, so may seem to invite pity.

TheSecondComing · 08/03/2012 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RachelWalsh · 08/03/2012 11:12

I would just say no. Don't get drawn into justifying your answer, just say no. Don't get drawn into tit for tat arguments with your ex, IME its very draining and you need that emotional energy for you (and your son).

I understand why you were texting so much when he was away but I would try not to next time, it allows him to justify his current intrusive behaviour.

I was a single parent until my son was 4, different circumstances, but I remember how relentless it was when he was very little. You are doing a very hard job which is really designed to be shared between two adults - good on you and it does get a little easier as they get bigger. Your ex really has no concept of what you do, have done, continue to do and sadly probably won't ever truly appreciate it.

Inertia · 08/03/2012 13:06

What an arse he is! Ex HAD the privilege of seeing his child every day, then decided he didn't feel privileged enough by this so decided to shag off with some OW instead.

You could try texting him photos of the more challenging aspects of parenting then. If DS wakes you at 2am, send a photo and texts then, as you're up dealing with him anyway. Probably more productive to just ignore Ex's shittiness though.

bluebell8782 · 08/03/2012 13:46

I agree with UC - I think your ex might be doing it to prove a point..

Lottie - Whatever the circumstances of a break-up, the NRP (unless abusive) should never be 'priviledged' to see their own child. Yes it does sound like the ex is a bit of an arse but he chose to leave the OP and the relationship - not his child. He couldn't insist on taking his child with him - could he?

OP As I said I do think he was trying to prove a point but now he is being childish about it. You dont need to send him endless photos and texts. Just ignore him. Only contact him with any info he needs to know about your child - you don't really need to communicate more than that.

knowitallstrikesagain · 08/03/2012 13:53

YANBU to feel hassled. However, it may be that he felt hassled and like you didn't trust him to do a good job when he had DC for the extended visit due to all your checking up. But whatever the reasons, you need to tell him. Actually talk to him and explain that you do not take photos every day, that you will keep him updated if anything new and exciting happens, and that you won't be sending photos all the time. Also, maybe reassure him that next time he has an extended visit, you will call/text at agreed intervals and that he only needs to send you photos if he wants to and it is convenient.

This sounds like an issue that has to be resolved with a conversation, petty things can develop into huge problems if left to fester. If you speak to him and he carries on in this way, you can then ignore his requests, safe in the knowledge that you have been the adult and explained the situation and your feelings.

Good luck.

lottiegb · 08/03/2012 14:45

Bluebell not sure where the idea of privelege came from, I'm saying they should agree the terms of contact and stick to them.

It's the Ex who is trying to change the terms as they go along. From the OP's previous thread, an impression was given that he was playing something of an 'if I can't have things my way the child's relationship with me will suffer but that's not my fault it's yours for not giving in to me' game. So he is trying to make the OP feel their son is priveleged to have a very conditional relationship with him.

The Ex had chosen to go and live some hours away, prioritising his new girlfriend over his child and had insisted on the 9-day visit against OP's wishes because it was convenient to him. He did choose to leave his child and destroy one version of a family as well leaving the OP. A relationship between two adults only cannot be compared to a family with a child and people make decisions accordingly.

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