to tell DS dad to Fuck off and not to bother seeing him again?

[NinjaStar]

I probably am, and that makes me even more angry.

DS is 6. His biodad has only been involved in his life for the last 18 months. He manages to fit DS into his schedule for a measly 1 or 2 hours every 4 -5 weeks. This has only been regular for the last 6 months, the 12 months prior to this, he managed to see DS for a spectacular 4 times!

It seems riduiculous. DS knows who he is, but doesnt know him IYSWIM. Hes not really comfortable staying with him, so results in me sitting in the car in the car park whilst they play somewhere.

His dad wont speak to me about moving this forward, or about anything at all to be honest, and has managed to hint that if I push to speak to him or involve finances he will walk away from DS anyway.

He was supposed to see DS tomorrow, but I have just received a text to say hes cancelling again and its likely to be 2 - 3 weeks before hes free again.

I really want to reply, just fuck off and forget it, the CSA will be in touch, but I suspect this will BU.

So AIBU?

It would be U of you to prevent your DS from getting to know his Dad.

However he is being much more U. Threatening to withdraw any contact if you "involve finances" is just wrong. He should be paying maintenance for his child. You would not be at all U to involve the CSA if he is not paying. Then it is up to him if he chooses to continue contact or not. His current behaviour is also unfair on your DS - either he sticks to a proper access arrangement and doesn't mess the two of you around, or he doesn't bother. He seems to think it's about what's best for him, not what's best for his son.

"has managed to hint that if I push to speak to him or involve finances he will walk away from DS anyway."

Wow. Great dad. Poor ds.
If the twat is only consenting to a relationship with his son if he doesn't have to support him in any way, then he doesn't deserve to be a father.
Also, if he is going to keep cancelling, this will have a very negative effect on your son.
I would be calling the CSA if I were you.

It sounds like you've made a more than reasonable effort to keep up contact, well done for keeping patience for this long!
How does your ds feel about it/him?

Do it.
It is obvious your little DS is not a priority in his life.

Sorry,may be harsh - really down of biological Dads at the moment.

Apart from not feeling 100% comfortable with him yet I mean

YANBU.
You have already done enough work your side, just stop doing XP's for him

Just do nothing

It doesn't sound as though you need to do anything here

Just sit back and let your ex carry on not seeing him...it'll probably fizzle out anyway if you claim the money you're entitled to claim through the CSA

That's his choice so let him get on with it the twat

Ours is a bit like this but tries to pretend he's not.

I'm sick of it and I'm sure you are too.

The thing is I don't know what to suggest. i want to tell ours to f off as well with his five minutes a month but that would make me the one in the wrong...so instead we're focusing on being a family without him, involving DP far more than we involve him and hoping that ds doesn't feel too fucking rejected.

the man seems irrelevant to me, I think he does somewhat to ds as well who is far more interested in DP because, guess what, DP is interested in hIM.

Good luck, the fact he wasn't around much when your son was small means there's going to be less of an attachment to begin with, which is actually probably a very good thing in this instance as it won't hurt so much.

I meant to say, ours wasn't involved at all from 18 months old to about 7yo. So ds sees him as a family friend more than anything important, I think.

I'm so glad of that now.

KatandKit See thats the bit that has me stumped. DS deserves to know him. I just dont think an hour or 2 every month is enough for DS to "know him" never mind have a relationship with him.

Wreck I know, and then I agonise is a bad dad better than no dad. Tbf at the moment DS doesnt know if hes coming or not, because after the 7 cancellations 12 months ago, I twigged and now dont tell DS until we are on our way to see him - but thats no way to continue permanently is it?

The diffculty is I know well i dont know but am reasonably certain that if I contact the CSA he wont see him, and I dont "need" the money at the moment, so is it worth "costing DS his dad?"

Diamond Im not sure really, DS enjoys playing with him, they have (in my view) a very superficial relationship. They spend an hour play fighting, or playing football, or DS is on his DS thats it. DS doesnt want to stay with him, and when asked he says he doesnt know him. He stays other places on his own fine, so this insecurity is just with his dad.

mum Hes not and thats what I find so difficult - he cant even find a hour, and the reason he cant is totally ridiculous, so I am even more cross.

worra I would, but the reason for this once a month visit, is hs current partner apparently was not happy when she found out he had a son he didnt see, he spun some sob story, he contacted me, and then all this started. I think he is seeing him because he knows how shit not seeing him is, and now his gf and family know he has a son, he cant just ignore him. Hes also panicing about the CSA, so I am certain he will just do the bare minimum he needs to.

6 months ago when these monthly visits started, it was because Id emailed him to tell him to forget it, he couldnt commit he should stop and I bitchily told him the CSA would be in touch. I told him if he couldnt bother to see him fortnightly, around his shifts, for 2 -3 hours it wasnt worth it. He managed to make me feel bad, because originally when Id contacted him I said DS just needed to know him, whatever he could give, yet now I was here "making demands of regular contact" I said yes, but I didnt know what you could give was so pathetically little. I was told how unfair I was being - how difficult it was for him blah blah blah blah dickhead

betty I think thats the problem - he doesnt want to be one of those dads but I dont think hand on heart he really wants to see or be involved with DS either.

I think I would actually respect him more if he said im sorry im not ready, rather than this crap situation that we have.

I agree that you should do nothing (other than contact the CSA that is.)
After that, if he wants to see his son, then he will. If not, then you fill ds's life with good men-uncles, grandpas, friends.

In my opinion, a bad dad is not better than no dad.

I don't know how you have not beaten him to death with a frozen leg of lamb by now, so well done!

I understand what you're saying OP

But I think if you stop 'enabling' him by sitting in the car and stuff, that might be enough for him to back off completely.

That way, if your DS ever asks you in the future whether you stopped his Dad from seeing him...you can put your hand on your heart and say no.

He'll soon see his Dad for what he is.

You are right. If I contact the CSA and he then retaliates by not seeing DS it will be his choice, but I feel that because I know thats the outcome I shouldnt do it.

Worra What can I do instead then? Currently he texts me and says ill see DS on xxxx after school because we cant ever do a weekend because then I might have to tell people Ive got a child when they wonder where I am I say fine, we get there, and DS isnt ready to stay with him - he still clings to me for the first 20 mins. I wanted a conversation with him about building it up so that I dont have to stay but the dickhead wont talk to me If I dont stay DS wont either, so what can I suggest instead?

YANBU. It is not fair of him to pick up and drop ds like that, it could quite likely do more harm to ds than good. Agree you should limit contact until he is able to prove reliability and you should not hesitate to involve CSA. Your son has a right to be financially supported by his dad.

Horrible of him to use the threat of walking away from your son to stop you getting in touch with the CSA. But it would be his choice, his failure and his fault if he did so. Not yours. He's making it seem like it would be your fault by hinting that it would be a consequence of your action. When really it's a result of his failure as a parent to support his child emotionally and financially.

DS is 6, his father doesn't pay anything to support him, and you haven't contacted CSA yet??

That's got nothing at all to do with whether or not his father bothers to see him.

He sounds like a total waste of you and your ds's time. Sorry for you op. Hope your ds has good male role models in his life. If I was you, I would be a lot less accomodating and I speak as a parent who has separated and has bent over backwards to accomodate a tosser who my daughter no longer wants to spend time with (teenager).

Your son will decide in time anyway, as my dd has.

I'd be off to the CSA. You've done what you can and he's taking the piss out of both of you.

He can't muck his DS about and hold you to ransom if you talk about finances . FWIW I've never had a problem with the CSA and XP hasn't seen the kids in 3yrs.

yanbu

"but the reason for this once a month visit, is hs current partner apparently was not happy when she found out he had a son he didnt see, ... I think he is seeing him because ... now his gf and family know he has a son, he cant just ignore him. "

Hmm. If you really want him to get his finger out, I'd enlist the GF and family. If you want him to bugger off, contact the CSA. It really depends on whether you think his presence is beneficial to your son or not.

You've done allyou can.
Contact the CSA.

His choice and he has to live with it.

How dare he hold you responsible and threaten you this way.

FUCK THAT

Thanks everyone.

Its good to know that im right and hes a dick. I think I need to think about what to do. It just seems to final to contact the CSA.

Right now I just want to text him back and tell him how pathetic it is that DS is below "feeding the cat" on his priority list! (yes that was an actual excuse to cancel contact once)

Worra Thats an idea. I know where they live, so I could see if they at least wish to meet DS. Guess they can only say no