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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH, DS and food

26 replies

deliakate · 07/03/2012 10:25

AIBU to ask DH to stop using food as a punishment/reward when trying to tackle DS (2.7) and behaviour?

This morning DS threw all the clothes out of his chest of drawers - his clothes, and his sister's which are stored in there, and all the nappies etc etc. It was an almighty mess, and the third time he's done it in as many days. The first time he did it, I warned him not to do it again, or he would loose a dressing up outfit he loved. So yesterday, when he did it, I took away his Knight's outfit and put it out of reach. I felt he had had a warning, and the punishment being related to clothing might help a bit.....

This morning, I discovered DH had punished him by saying he could not have eggs to eat for a week. A scrambled eggs breakfast is his treat with his daddy on weekends. I just don't think its an effective punishment. There was no warning, and its not immediate - he'll have to wait until Saturday to actually experience anything.

DH teases DS a lot with food - eg every time he has prepared something for him, he will withold it and say "daddy is going to eat it all up, haha" and make DS anxious he's not going to get it. I just don't think its funny.

Food should just be food - as healthy, appealing and yummy as I can make it, but not used in behavioural things. The odd bribe of some raisins when you are all ready and sitting in the car notwithstanding.

DH has had weight issues since childhood, and struggles with overeating, and of course I don't want DS to get any of these issues from him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LightbulbSoup · 07/03/2012 10:32

YANBU and your DH sounds cruel to punish DS like that. It doesn't make sense to me to use food as a punishment every time. You need to have words with DH about his issues because as you say, your DS will pick up on it.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/03/2012 10:36

Food is the worst thing to use as a punishment or reward. Tell you dh it will give you dc issues with food. I can understand the side of dc wanting something and you saying something like 'not until xx' but not in the way your dh is using it.

LilacWaltz · 07/03/2012 10:41

Well to be fair, YOUR choice of punishment isn't working either is it!?!

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 10:43

2.7 seems a bit young for much punishment. he needs supervision imo

Original poster

deliakate · 07/03/2012 10:45

No, its not lilac. I can't use time out at the moment, because he's potty training, and he just gets upset and wees.

OP posts:

altinkum · 07/03/2012 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

deliakate · 07/03/2012 10:47

OK, slarty, but he is often waking up at half past five. We go in and tell him to go back to sleep as its too early. And he has toys in his room he can play with instead. But by half six, he had trashed the room.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 10:48

just make him put them all back, in a game type of way.

Original poster

deliakate · 07/03/2012 10:49

altinkum, there just isn't time normally for him to tidy the clothes up. There are piles of them, all from different drawers, and they only fit in if folded up correctly. He sees it as a game if I do it with him, enjoying the time together.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 10:49

take them away from him then, he cant need that many clothes surely?

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 10:51

anyway regarding punishment. at that age, it should be immediate, not a few days later.

Original poster

deliakate · 07/03/2012 10:52

Its all bulky winter stuff, hundreds of pants and pyjamas as he needs new ones every day, plus uniform for preschool. Baby sister is 9 months, and she has a lot of babygros etc......

I guess I could pare it down.

OP posts:

Original poster

deliakate · 07/03/2012 10:52

Yes, my point exactly. DH's suggestion is just ridiculous.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 07/03/2012 10:52

just like you did, taking the costume away, soundes like you had the right idea.

MrsBeakman · 07/03/2012 10:53

Withdrawing eggs is a bizarre punishment and your dh needs to completely stop using food as punishment unless he wants to transfer his food issues to his son. Pullings things out of drawers is entirely normal at 2 years old and is just what they do when they are exploring. If you don't want him to do it then put a drawer lock on so he cannot.

MrsBeakman · 07/03/2012 10:56

2 is young for him to be left playing unsupervised in his room while you sleep.

GeorgiaMay · 07/03/2012 10:56

No, YANBU, I wouldn't use food-withdrawal as a punishment as a rule. I might have denied an ice-cream occasionally if we were out somewhere and one of them misbehaved but tbh he probably doesn't even get the connection at age 2. If you are going to punish him it needs to be immediate at this age, not "you won't get XYZ next week."

I think your DH just doesn't know how to handle the toddler stuff - would he be open to a book about toddler behaviour?

BlueFergie · 07/03/2012 11:00

I get that he won't do a good job tidying them away but if he has to put away some instead of doing something else he likes even if you have to redo them after he will stop doing it as it causes inconvenience to him. I would get him to put away some for about 10 mins or so with you supervising but not helping. Then say ok mummy will do the rest but if you do it again you will have to clear it all up instead of telly time/ going to park whatever.
Re DH punishment agree its not a good one. Although I wouldn't worry about the teasing so much. Unless he has actually eaten the stuff in the past DS will know he is only joking and tat he always gets his share.

imnotmymum · 07/03/2012 11:10

why don't you bring him bed for a morning snuggle sounds like he attention seeking and bored. Seriuosly though at 2 does he even understand the concept of eggs being a treat and like you say so far from event if you serve him cereal or whatever on said day he will not care Saturday, Monday all the same to him !

butterfingerz · 07/03/2012 11:12

I sometimes use the odd pack of chocolate buttons as bribery or a reward, but then I'm a terrible parent so don't take any advice from me (seriously).

My DH does a similar game of 'daddy will eat it' with our DD, its just a game and makes boring food seem more covetable. Neither of us has weight issues.

Pandemoniaa · 07/03/2012 13:15

YANBU in thinking food should never be used as a punishment. It stores up all sorts of potential problems. However, having taken my Smug Face off for a moment, I do remember walking away from an ice cream van at the seaside after ds1 had thrown a tantrum of such roaring magnitude that I wasn't prepared to reward it with a treat. But that's an exception and an immediate one too.

Personally, I really hate any acceptance of the idea that small children "trash" rooms. At 2.7 the OP's son is quite old enough to know that this is naughty and unacceptable. However, any punishment has to be reasonable and immediate and I'd also put future temptation out of his way and certainly consider storing some of the stuff you aren't using right now somewhere else too.

JellyMould · 07/03/2012 13:27

I have a 2.7 year old. No way would he understand a punishment that doesn't affect him for 4 days. And if he woke at 5:30 heeling definitely be told to play in his room if he wouldn't go back to sleep! I also agree withyou that food should not be a punishment. Also, did you both punish him for the same thing? That seems unfair too.

chandellina · 07/03/2012 13:42

Yanbu. I use food for bribes all the time - what else are sweets for? But your husband is punishing too far in advance. I also agree your son may be a bit young to not make a mess if left to it.

MrsBeakman · 07/03/2012 13:53

My girls get a smartie/choc button for getting their school uniform on quickly in the morning. It saves on nagging/shouting. I think using food as a punishment is a bit different though.

whyme2 · 07/03/2012 13:58

I would argue that you should continue to use the naughty step as it is an instant punishment. Buy some of the disposable bed protectors (Pampers and Huggies make them) put one under/on the step/stool and fold a towel to make a cushion. Then just follow through as before until the time is up. If he wees ignore it and tidy up.
I did wonder if the your ds is aware of you not using the naughty step and playing on it?

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