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Original poster

Should I confront this woman who accused my DD of stealing

24 replies

MrsPresley · 07/03/2012 09:27

More of a what would you do...

My DD 10, phoned me earlier in tears to say that the lady in the paper shop accused her of stealing sweets. DD said that she said to her "put these sweets back I'm bloody sick of you lot coming in here and helping yourself" DD replied that she hadn't taken anything but the woman shouted at her to get out and she was banned from the shop so DD ran out crying.

I asked her if she did, she said no, so I tould her this was her chance to tell me the truth but if I found out later later she was lying then there would be no holiday, she still said no.

Yesterday this lady accused DD's friend and made her empty her pockets, she had only been checking her money and putting it back in her pocket, she didn't ask DD to empty her pockets

This lady is well known for accusing children of stealing, just about every child that goes in the shop is either accused directly or she'll say to other customers "that bairns stealing".

I've now told DD that unless she has money she's not to go in and wait for her friends outside, but she's banned anyway so it wont matter that much.

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of children will go through a wee phase of stealing, her elder siblings certainly did, but not till they were 12/13 ish, so far I've not known DD to steal (yet).

Should I go round on my way to work and ask this lady for her version or just leave it, seeing as DD is banned anyway?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 07/03/2012 09:31

I would just leave it, the woman sounds harassed tbh, tell your dd to shop somewhere else

AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 09:31

I would go in. I would be calm and say something like "My daughter tells me that you accused her of stealing this morning. What reason did you have to believe that?"

And whatever she says you need to tell her that she cannot go around shouting accusations unless she is willing to follow them up with the police."

I would also not allow my child in her shop AT ALL!

Sarcalogos · 07/03/2012 09:32

Tell you DD not to go in the shop without you because the lady isn't very nice and you don't want her to be nasty to her again.

Given that she's banned anyway and the woman sounds like she treats ALL dc like this I would just avoid the shop (and tell your DCs friends to do the same). Hopefully this will protect the DC and damage her business! Little to be gained from a confrontation I reckon.

LilacWaltz · 07/03/2012 09:32

awkwardmary I second that!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2012 09:34

YANBU to be offended. But I think the best way forward is to leave the woman be and shop elsewhere. I imagine that a small shopkeeper can get heartily sick of children (like your older two) pilfering their livelihood away. If they end up getting irrational about it and banning a few innocent ones in the process, who can blame them?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/03/2012 09:34

I would go and speak to the woman politely and get her version if events.

I am not calling your daughter a liar or a third, just get the woman's pov.

But if you are still adamant after her explanation that your dd is telling the truth, I would give the woman what for. If she thinks children are stealing she can ring the police. There's no need to upset a young girl.

Then it also how's your dd that you will defend her if ever need be

limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2012 09:38

You could ask the woman calmly but she's going to stick to her guns and it's just going to get unpleasant and pointless.

Even if she wasn't banned I'd tell DD not to go in there particularly not with other children who may be stealing and get her into trouble.

I believe your DD when she says she never steals. I never did but lots and lots of children do especially in groups. Being a newsagent must be a nightmare.

Bloodymary · 07/03/2012 09:38

Well I would feel like charging round to confront the woman with all guns blazing.

But AwkwardMarys way will be much more effective.

randommoment · 07/03/2012 09:41

Pre dcs I had a job in a little shop like the one described. The depredations of younger teenagers on the sweeties etc was truly appalling until we reorganised the shop to make it much more difficult for them to filch, so I do understand where this woman's coming from - but I would never have accused children of stealing unless I'd actually spotted them in the act. She'd do better to move all the target items to somewhere she can see them easily from behind the counter and set up a really obvious CCTV.
The other thing we did was make them leave their bags by the door (which also stopped them from knocking stuff over in the shop), and only allow them in two at a time.

DurhamDurham · 07/03/2012 09:41

If they end up getting irrational about it and banning a few innocent ones in the process, who can blame them?

Can you imagine if this had been written about any other section of our community, there would be an outcry.

Because some children steal it's ok to accuse innocent ones, I do not think so.

limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2012 09:42

Sorry I didn't read it properly: you have direct experience of children stealing and you still think this woman is in the wrong to be suspicious of all children?

I wouldn't embarrass yourself by going in there.

Sapphirefling · 07/03/2012 09:44

I would do as Awkwardmary suggests.
There is a shop keeper in our local shop who is absolutely VILE to children - I don't go in there anymore because it really annoys me to see an adult speaking to children who are spending money in his shop, in the way that he does.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/03/2012 09:47

"Because some children steal it's ok to accuse innocent ones, I do not think so."

Many newsagents have signs saying 'not more than 2 children in the shop at once' or similar because they've had bad experiences. The girl in the OP's story was only told to get out and given a fright. She wasn't frog-marched away by security guards and charged with shoplifting or anything.

DurhamDurham · 07/03/2012 09:56

The girl could not have been frog-marched out of the shop and charged with shoplifting unless she had been caught sleecting goods, concealing them and walking out without paying for them.

I imagine the shop assistant is fed up with those who do steal but that does not excuse blaming people (children or adults) who are innocent.

Original poster
MrsPresley · 07/03/2012 09:56

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply Smile

I think I will take awkwardmarys advice and calmy ask her for her account of of things.

DD wont be allowed back in there (by me) which is a shame because it's the only shop the children can buy "penny sweets"

limitedperiodonly my experience of my elder 3 stealing is from me, taking 50p or so from purse or if it was lying around on a table or something, except once when my eldest stole a nail polish from the local chemist (and was caught and punished).

I certainly didnt mean to give the impression they were seasoned shoplifters or at least I hope not Grin

And yes I do think she is wrong to be suspicious of all children. I said in my op that lots of children will go through a stealing phase, that's true, but if I said all children go through that phase then that's wrong because not all children will, so shouldnt be treated like they do.

OP posts:
AwkwardMary · 07/03/2012 13:45

Come back and let us know.

Floggingmolly · 07/03/2012 14:51

Your elder 3 all have experience of stealing, (what are the odds) yet you believe your 4th implicitly when she denies the accusation?

rogersmellyonthetelly · 07/03/2012 15:44

If I had been nicking stuff and the shop keeper had a pop I sure as hell wouldn't have gone home and told my mother about it! I think that is the biggest thing that tells me this girl probably wasnt stealing.

ll31 · 07/03/2012 16:55

have every sympathy for shopkeeper and for your daughter too but prob more for shopkeeper. Tell daughter to go to dfferent shop but when you say all your older children stole too... then I'm inclined to wonder if your daughter was actually stealing - or wiht crowd who she knew were stealing...

Mrsgradgrind · 07/03/2012 16:55

I got accused of stealing twice as a child. Once by a "friend's" mum, and once by the boss at my Saturday job. It still rankles with me that a)I was falsely accused on both of those occasions; and b)my mother did little, if anything, to defend my honour. And I'm in my late 40's!

McHappyPants2012 · 07/03/2012 17:41

i would be going around there most shops have cctv these days.

If this was an adult it would be a diffrent story.

GavisconJunkie · 07/03/2012 19:52

AwkwardMary is not so awkward. Glad you're taking her advice.

Original poster
MrsPresley · 07/03/2012 21:04

Ok a wee update.

I went round and calmly explained to the lady what my DD had told me and asked her if she was sure she had saw DD taking sweets. Yes, definately she says, so I told her I would bring DD in this evening, when I got home to apologise and pay for the sweets.

Anyway when we went in I said to DD do you have anything to say, she then burst into tears saying that she steal anything and then the woman said I didn't say you did, it was the girl you were with Hmm according to DD her friend had already paid for her sweets and left the shop!

DD said, but you shouted at me and told me to get out, at this point the lady is looking very uncomfortable and her face was bright red. I told her that I was really disappointed that an adult thinks it's alright to treat a child like this, without proof and it's also a shame that she does have a problem with children who do steal but she needs to make sure before accusing anyone or she might get a mum/dad in who wouldnt be as understanding.

Anyway, she apologised to DD and offered her a sweet, she refused (that's a first Grin )

Floggingmolly

Your elder 3 all have experience of stealing, (what are the odds) yet you believe your 4th implicitly when she denies the accusation?

Of course I would, wouldnt you? I mean would you really believe someone over your child just because they are an adult? If I dont believe my child when it's a "minor" thing then how can I expect them to trust me when it's something more serious? I will always believe my child until it's proven otherwise (then there will be trouble)

Mrsgradgrind

I"m sorry your mum didn't defend you Sad If there's one person who should believe you then it should be your mum, innocent till proven guilty as far as I'm concerned.

And just to finish off... DD has hardly grown up seeing her siblings steal. There are big age gaps, eldest is 29 and had moved out before she was born, next one is 27 and moved out when DD was about 2, next one is 18 so DD would have been about 5 whe he had his "phase".

As I said earlier alot of children will go through this phase.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPresley · 07/03/2012 21:05

Oops, that was a bit long, sorry Blush

OP posts:
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